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| godessalthena (profile) wrote, on 6-27-2006 at 8:57am | |
| Subject: rant about me |
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i hate feeling like i'm not good enough. i hate being a person who needs people to tell her how good she is at anything. i hate weighing as much as i do and i hate how i'm not losing the weight i want fast enough. i hate people when they suggest i cheat on kirk. i just... i wish i was perfect. and i wish i didn't know people who seem more perfect than me. but i'm just being selfish. i really should be more comfortable with myself. i should allow myself to love myself. honestly, that's what my goal is - to love myself all the time, not just part of the time. it's important that i think i'm attractive and i think i'm good enough. i deserve love, i deserve a lot of things. but i really deserve respect from myself. i am a good person. i'm a really good person when i don't let my spite and old self rule my actions. but sometimes i forget that. i forget that i'm not an emo bitch anymore. i mean... i know i'm attractive. i know i have at least a pretty face... i'm warm and caring and i love to dote on people and show affection. i love having fun and i love working hard and doing what i do really well. i like to draw and to paint... i love doing fun things. i love pushing myself and i love to be around other people. i love being happy. but it is scary... to change... to be happy... when all i've known was misery for so long.... to suddenly be happy and suddenly love myself... it's a big jump and a huge step in a very good direction. but it's hard to keep that up... it's hard to be happy and fine with everything... it's hard to try and get back into friendships that i've left alone... it's hard to have a life again when everyone else is moving on and i'm still at edo smiling at strangers. once a man asked me if i was really that happy because every time a customer showed up i looked estatic. i told him it was my job. right now, i'm lonely. and i'm a little sad. and i feel a little not totally fucking awesome because i'll never weigh 120 pounds... i'll never have the body i want because my frame just isn't made to look like it... (not that I want to ever weigh 120 because that would just look gross). i feel like i'm never going to get to be 140 or 135 like i want. i'm tired of always being the heaviest and i'm tired of weighing more than my boyfriend. (not that i do right now, but i did before he gained weight). i really hate the people at work telling me i have a belly. i fucking know i have a belly. what do you think i see when i look in the mirror?! stfu fuckers. and it's stupid... that i have such an issue with my weight. that i "obsess" over it like i do... i just can't help it. want to look hot, i don't just want to have a hot personality. i want to look on the outside what i am on the inside... my acne is getting better, which is good, but my weight... it's just a piece of shit. so stubborn... i'm running three days a week... and i'm doing sit-ups... i should probably work on my arms too. i should be healthy and strong. what i really want is to look good in a bikini. but yeah, i'm done with my rant. 'you're all i want, you're all i need you're everything...' love, amelia |
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oceanchild | 06-27-06 1:27pm I have so much respect for you. |
godessalthena | Re:, 06-27-06 2:46pm Thank you! but why?
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