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| spud (profile) wrote, on 7-11-2006 at 1:41am | |
| Current mood: excellent Music: jamiroquai - travelling without moving |
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| i want to make music. i want to write stories. i want to be muscular. i want to be athletic. i want to be sweet. i want to make girls swoon. i don't know why i want any of these things. but i always have. i think it's because of the fact that i have so MANY things i would like to be, that i can't be the best at any of them, because my energies are so thinly dispersed. so, knowing that i CAN'T be the best at anything, what do i want to be? what is it that i can be content doing, even in mediocrity? or am i simply forced to live in frustrated, futile pursuit of an ideal i can never realistically achieve? i have a feeling that the latter will be the case. that will push me to advance the most, since i really have no internal drive. my drive has always been external. in soccer, music, writing, everything. i only did them because somebody else, usually someone i really respected, told me that i was good at it, and i should give it a try, or keep at it, depending on the circumstance. and when there's nobody there to pat me on the shoulder and stroke my ego and say i'm good at it, then i suppose i have to say it to myself. "chris, you're good at this. you figured out this chord thing without hardly trying. that's quite a feat. you used your help, your resources, but it took you putting that stuff together in such a way, which is really impressive." but i can't tell myself that. it's just too cocky. i just try to do the best i can. i'm pleased with my efforts when other people are impressed by the results. then and only then. maybe, too, when i myself am impressed by the results, which is rare. everybody wants a piece. but there's not enough of me to go around. the question is, who gets one? do i? who gets the shaft, then? somebody has to. it is inevitable, whenever demand exceeds supply. so why isn't my cost going up? i guess it's not the people with money that want me, i suppose. |
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stinko | 07-13-06 12:11am hey, i want you.
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spud | Re:, 07-15-06 1:23am you and me both, sister. |
| Anonymous | Hey. Can I have a sliver?, 07-16-06 6:21pm You are sweet. Don't beat yourself up about not writing/reading/practicing enough. Who ever could? I have a shitload of internal drive, and I still haven't accomplished what I would call anything.
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