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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 10-26-2006 at 7:56pm
there is nothing to do.

there is no one to see.

there is no one to talk to.

i'm going crazy.

so. bored. so. lonely.

i can't wait until tomorrow when i get to see my baaabbiii... (i am so lame)

<3 lalala.

it's nice to be happy, but it's hard to be. it's like.. you can't possibly have an easy and happy life if it means anything.

i want to sit and hold someone in my arms. i don't know.. it used to really bother me when i always had to dote on jeremiah and he wouldn't really return it... but then again i always had to be happy around him... with kirk.. i want to dote on him and rub his sore body and all that and i don't really mind that he doesn't do it back... the times when i'm sad and he holds me and doesn't tell me to stop crying are all i need... he's so wonderful to me... when i'm sad... it's so nice to be able to show him i'm sad...

i love crying and knowing someone loves me. and is comforting me without words... i guess it's the knowing that i'm not totally alone out here in the universe (which i know i'm not, but it's hard for me when people i love aren't physically there for me... i'm a very physical person)... i love having someone here who loves me and cares about me.

<3 mmm...
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Anonymous

neo, 11-19-06 1:19am

and i remember the girl I wish I could have spoken to once. I remember the girl I wish I could have loved. I remember the girl I wish I knew beyond the journal. I remember wanting all of this to be something more...

But I also remember being nothing to you... and I remember you being everything to me... I remember those times.. and those times seemed fulfilling.

(reply to this)

Anonymous

Re: neo, 11-19-06 1:24am

but now.. i'm something more... I'm told to apply to MIT by professors... I'm told to go as far as I can... I'm a great scientist... and yet... all I wanted was love... and all I had was hate... and all I still have is hate... and I look at you. I look at you. I look at you and I think, "She is happy." I think, "She has what I always wanted." And I also think, "These people that have her are lucky."

I think to myself, "She thought i was a creep. Maybe I was... but now I'm a powerful, successful creep. I'm powerful because of all the free time I had. I'm powerful because nobody cared about me, and I took my rage and applied it toward my goal."

It's sad.
But I want you to know something.
I want you to know that I always thought you were beautiful.
And I want you to know that I loved you.
I still love you.
I'm sorry if things don't go well into the future from here.
I'm sorry if the world is destroyed.
I'm sorry if my rage consumes the world in my blind hate.
I'm sorry.
But maybe I'm not suppose to have what I want most.
And maybe I could never give you what you needed most.
But I want you to know that I'm sorry.

(reply to comment)

Anonymous

Re: Re: neo, 11-19-06 1:33am

BTW, sorry that I'm drunk...
It's amazing, though, because I found your journal when I was drunk. I was trying to rack my brain while thinking, "What is her username?".

I discovered it. I said it outloud. Afterwards, I was pleased with my ability to remember.

(reply to comment)