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| kinkyrose1212 (profile) wrote, on 10-31-2006 at 2:23pm | |
| Current mood: stressed Music: Violent Femmes-A Blister In The Sun Subject: God damn it |
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| I am SO stressed. I can hardly feel it, but oh, how I know it's there. Wouldn't you know it? I find someone I love who loves me back and he won't deal with it. I'm SO sick of waiting for people. That's my life. I went to the Park earlier. As much as I do like it, at the same time, I kind of want to blow the place up. Too many memories. I used to go there as a lil' kid, I remember shit from sixth grade, and a lot of SHIT from years after that. I capatalize " shit " because a lot of it sucked. But I realize, lately, when I'm listening to certain music, that I would give anything to feel the way I used to. About certain people, I guess, although I don't know why because that sucked, too. I guess it just sucked less because I could fantasize without REALLY believing that something might happen. Actually, I did believe it, but I was a moron. I still am, but in a different way. Anyhow, I've been thinking about high school a lot lately and I do miss it. I was lying in bed at like, six last night, and I felt like I was back in tenth grade. I knew I wasn't, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I think I had a dream about CW, that penguin bastard. I will go back some day and say hello. Probably some day soon. I feel like I'm living in a different world now, and even though I miss high school, I don't think I'd want to go back. I don't know what I think. I'm so emotionally fucked up lately because of drugs and a certain asshole that I love with all my fucking heart. FUCK!!! There doesn't seem to be a point to ANYTHING anymore! I fantasize about suicide often, but I can't do that. And it kills me that I can't do it. I have to leave for work in ten minutes, and that sucks, too. I need like, a day to not do anything. This weekend I'm not making any plans. Of course, when Friday, Saturday, and Sunday roll around, people might call, and I'll hang out with them. If I could just do nothing with someone else, that would be good. I hate being alone. Kind of. I'm alone now, and it sucks. Oh, and I watched " Welcome To The Dollhouse " earlier. If my life was a movie, that would be it. But only in terms of Heather Matarazzo and Brendan Sexton, Jr. Fuckers. Oh, and I recently saw " Fatal Attraction. " You know it's bad when you can relate to the character Glenn Close plays in that movie. I was never that bad, though. But I could see myself being that bad. Another reason to kill myself. Or just continue therapy, but whatever. And I hate the holidays. I am stressed out from Halloween, and I could go without Thanksgiving and Christmas this year as well. New Year's can stay because it's a great night to get drunk. And New Year's is funny because everyone makes a bunch of commitments that they fuck up within the next 48 hours. Fun! I'm out for now. I might be back later, but who gives a shit? | |
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| Anonymous | heyyy...., 11-12-06 11:35pm it's julie. i was thinking a lot about high school too... i hated it with almost all my heart, and i'm so glad it's over, but i'd do anything to be able to feel the way i did when i was in 9th and 10th grade. to be able to just have senseless crushes and not care. this past year has sucked. you know it's bad when you're driving down the road and you think to yourself "hey... that semi-truck coming down the other side of the road looks reall appeasing". what's sick is i am past the point of cutting. i want to, but seriously the only reason i'm not right now is because i can't even motivate myself to do that. i just want to drink and smoke until i'm so relaxed i can't feel anything. seriously, it was so nice the other night when i got sloshed, all my muscles relaxed, i was happy, i didn't care about any of my problems or stresses... i just don't want to deal with this shit any more. it felt good because i could just say what was on my mind and tell people off and not give a shit about it. i hate my life, i hate myself, i hate everything around me and i'm so sick of it. i don't even want to get help because i dont' want to feel better. what's the point? so i can be "happy" for a couple months, so i can pretend to see the good in things and people for a short while before something else comes along and knocks me back down? fuck that.
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