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m&ms487 (profile) wrote,
on 11-26-2006 at 8:26pm
Driving home brought so many thoughts into my head. I have an immense fear of those around me dying. That's probably my biggest fear. Some nights I lie in bed and think about things as if someone was dead. What would I do? What would I feel? It always makes me start crying in the end, and I feel like I've committed some sin, as if thinking about that persons death is equated with me wanting them dead. How would I feel if I thought about them dying tonight, and then they did die tomorrow. Then all I'm left with is guilt, and all I have done is lie in bed before sleep overcomes me.

I've been lucky. No one close to me has died. I know it will happen soon enough. I don't wish for it, but the truth is, no matter how much I or anyone else wants to deny it, is that we all secede to death. It's our final end, an end we have little control over. I thought I had control over it once. It had control over me.

My grandparents are old and frail. They act with dignity, but they are slowly realizing death will come soon. They are planning the rest of their life for their death.

Do I plan my life for death? Do any of us? Do we wake up in the morning, watching the sunrise, or falling out of bed, or dreading another monotonous normal day and think of death? Should we? Would that circumvent the reason, whatever that reason may be, why we are living?

If we thought of death everyday, could we enjoy life? Are we meant to enjoy life?

Are we suppose to be "grieveing the sun" on it's final journy to the horizon? Or are we suppose to ignore the inevitable, find some shallow work to busy ourselves with, and only recognize the end when it comes knocking at the door to your [trailer, suburban two story, houseboat, yacht, mansion, cardboard box] home?

I am reminded of death when I look at my grandparents, the leafless trees, the brown grass, and deer splattered along the roadway.

Perhaps we are never meant to come to terms with death, only await it's inevitability. Freedom from our imperfect bodies may be our biggest birthday present. I once thought it was.

Michelle
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tails

11-26-06 9:55pm

you have lost total sight of what you were.

Conor told you that it was silly. remember the hipocrit statement "if your thoughts should turn to death you gotta stomp them out like a ciggarette!" ? that was a lie. its human and normal to think those thoughts about the people around you. and everyone can come to terms with death. some of us have. love.

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m&ms487

Re:, 11-26-06 10:49pm

This time of year always brings me back to the morbidity of life.

I know now that thinking those thoughts is a healthy way of 'coping' with the inevitable. I didn't know that then.

But i'm not quite sure everyone can come to 'terms' with death, especially when everything connected to it is so ambiguous, but i don't doubt many people do in their own special way.

Thank you for reminding me that the things I think are okay. I need that sometimes.

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jim9nin

11-26-06 10:59pm

Hey in Basic I was told about dying everyday and had to think about it and it was the best time of my life.

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m&ms487

Re:, 11-26-06 11:03pm

You were told about death in the sense of surviving, avoiding death.

That doesn't make your experience any less valid, but surviving and accepting your inevitable fate seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum (at least to me).

I miss you, Bill! I hope to see you on Christmas vacation!

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jim9nin

Re: Re:, 11-27-06 7:42pm

Not entirly...I was told I was going to get myself and my whole squad killed in Iraq a lot.

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