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| m&ms487 (profile) wrote, on 6-7-2007 at 7:11pm | |
| I've been sitting back lately, letting the world pass by in a sense. I got a letter from CMU congratulating me on making the Dean's List, again... And somehow, I know it doesn't matter. It doesn't get me more money to go to school, and it just maybe could help me get some job somewhere that I don't want, or get into a second choice graduate school. I'm being pessimistic, but I always am. I've been dwelling on my 'lives'- the 'who I am' depending on who I'm with. When I'm at work, I'm usually very bouncy, optimistic, and smiley. When I'm with friends, I usually take the role of the 'dumb girl', and honestly, I don't get a lot of things that are said. I don't try to be dumb, it's just like my brain gets turned off when I'm around them. When I'm with Rueben I'm usually silly or crying, or any spectrum inbetween. I have the most variation when I'm with him. When I'm in an academic setting, like a class, I'm usually stuck up, and I deplore people who waste my time or say stupid things. I especially hate when others come up with a point that I was on the verge of thinking. ...but that doesn't compare to who I am with myself. This is the one I've been thinking about. I suppose this journal reflects it more than anything, since these words depict the inner workings of the mush enclosed in my skull. As I look back, I find I'm witty-usually horribly sarcastic. I find that I'm usually pessimitic, but find a way to leave off with some optimistic note. I find that I'm frustrated a lot. I get frustrated if I'm too early or late, or if there isn't a plan, or if the plan gets changed at the last minute. I get frustrated by the menial, the every day. I'm frustrated by normalcy, when I really crave to be normal. I find that I don't know how to say what I want, but somehow it comes out perfectly. I feel like I lead a double, or even triple life. I can't combine these 'personalities'. Perhaps I don't want to. It just leaves me fairly confused to the issue of identity. That's a big thing. How can you live with yourself if you don't know who you are? I know, or at least hope, that I'm not the only one that feels this way. "We wear the mask that grins and lies..." It's very windy outside, and the first day of my yard sale was fairly disappointing. I did make eight dollars, though. It averages out to about a dollar an hour. It's still better than a day at Meijer. |
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sugarjackj | 06-08-07 12:44pm You just have to learn to do what is natural for you. Don't force and behavior that does not feel natural. It's a tough concept to learn. And most people don't learn it till later. I pretty much figured it out my junior year in high school. Who you are with yourself is who you really are. But there is no denying that you have more fun around friends, or are more academic in classroom settings. That is how everyone is. So really you are all three of those people. Don't worry about it. Your friends know who you are. I know that you are incredibly intelligent, and still your brain gets shut off at times. If you read my last post you would see that my teacher called me cultured and intelligent. Now if you were to ask some of my friends about that they would laugh, say I’m dumb and obnoxious. The thing is when I'm around my friends I don’t feel the need to prove myself, prove that I am the smartest, prove that I have more life experience. I just relax. That's what your friends are there for. When I was dating Chris I'm sure he would be the first one to tell you I was being a bitch. And your journal, honey it's a place to vent, so you just go ahead and do it. I know half of my posts are negative, but that’s not how I am half of the time. Everything pulls at different parts of you. Just some things enhance more then others. You are normal.
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