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| rayray (profile) wrote, on 8-3-2007 at 11:31pm | |
| I haven't posted anything in here for a little while now. Partly because I am completely tapped on anything I want to say. I have done enough communicating lately that I have nothing left to vent. However, the tables have turned. I am frustrated and confused. I feel like I'm being selfish on all that is going on. But its the only thing that feels right. I just wish things were different. I don't even know where to begin. I dont understand why I can't just forget the fact that she's my mother. I don't understand anything she does. I don't get why I try. I don't get why no matter how hard I try to avoid her, or how many times I say I hate over there, I end up there. I always leave pissed off, or this time, crying because Im so upset. Its because of things I witness, things that are said or things that are done. I don't get why I can't come to terms with the fact that my mother is an alcoholic that smokes pot and prefers men over her children no matter how hard she tries to say otherwise. I have a hard time trying not to care. I do so good for awhile, and then I break because i feel bad. I hate how I can be so cold and act like no one around me exsists, yet Im always worrying about everyone. I always have something big on my mind, and I get stressed out. I honestly, do not understand my mother. At all. I truly do not understand her. And she doesn't understand me. She doesn't realize that she has hurt me. For instance, tonight I was over there washing my car, and spending time with her, like she has wanted to do for a couple of weeks now, and Joe shows up. Granted I new he was going to come over to get rid of the bat(s) she had. Anyway, she basically ignored the fact that I was there, and made plans for her, Joe and his friend to all go back to his place. After Joe's friend asked if I wanted to come out there, she spoke up and said "oh yeah, you can go if you want". And then rushed me out. Not to mention the fact that earlier in the week, she invited my brother to go over to my grandma's to pick out what he wanted out of her stuff, but not I. Not the one who she had just spoke with on the phone. She is giving some of my grandmothers things to Joe. She knows that I'd like a few things that belonged to my grandmother and also they were things that she knows I have said I needed for my apartment.. Apparently, I do not rate, but here I go feeling sorry for myself. I find it quite hard to believe that the only thing that keeps me sane, the one and only thing that I didn't ever think I'd have, is the only thing that makes sense in my life day after day. I have found happiness with him. I love him entirely and I honestly would go crazy without him. In good news, my brother-in-law is going to be a Cop. (I believe that is what my mother said. It was hard to comprehend anything she was saying). |
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brianna | 08-04-07 9:20am I'm sorry that you're dealing with all this with your mom and that it's so hard for you. I have no idea what you're going through and I hope I never have to find out. I'm so sorry and I'm glad that you've found happiness and love in Mike if nothing else.
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rayray | Re:, 08-04-07 11:51pm Mike even pointed out to me this evening, that in the two years we've been together, my mother hasn't done a damn thing for me. I believe his exact words were "Your mom asks a hell of a lot out of you, and what do you get in return? Crying on my shoulder because you're so upset. It's not right. In the last two years, she hasn't done shit for you, yet you keep trying. It's pointless".
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brianna | Re: Re:, 08-05-07 7:14pm :( Yes, it is. :*( |
rayray | Re: Re: Re:, 08-06-07 3:06pm I think its because my family expects a lot out of me. They expect me to be someone I'm not sure I am. I understand they want me to have a good life, and to go to college. I will go to college, but i'm not ready yet. So who knows. |