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| brandnew26 (profile) wrote, on 8-10-2007 at 3:02am | |
| Current mood: contemplative Music: Dashboard Confessional - Stolen |
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| I need to just write to get ideas out, so bear with me on this entry. Had orientation on Tuesday, wasn't so bad. Woke up to rain, so I left early for it, got there pretty quick. Checked in and all the fun stuff, sat down at a table where no one was as is my custom. Orientation leader girl comes over to talk to me and joking with my about how I look like a James, so if I ever see her again I might be known as James. Went to get my ID picture taken, I look fat in that picture, and very pale and very tired. Came back and there was a very attractive girl sitting next to my stuff, so I sit down and think, "God must be making up for high school", considering I went to an all male high school. So I'm feeling dumb because I pretty much get nervous and keep going over in my head what should I say to stimulate conversation. So there's a quick break so she gets up to get something to drink and eat and my dumb ass is trying to think as quickly as possible and out of the corner of my eye I'm actually watching her eat so I can ask her where she transfered from when she doesn't have something in her mouth. I narrowly succeed in this, and after quick small talk, and I mean quick, I can tell she's a junior, a transfer from MCC and a health science major and I was too stupid to ask her her name, or give mine. I swear I'm retarted sometimes. Don't as me why or how I remember all these details, my memory tends to be near photographic at times and suprises me. Found out my buddy Sulek also transfered to OU, its nice to know people, but I am 99% sure I will know no one in any of my classes, and there are a shitload of people too, different than high school and my old college. Working this many hours is catching up to me, I almost feel like I'm getting sick and I feel like an old man when I get for work in the morning. Might be from the masonite sheet incident from Wednesday, or the long hours, who knows. Hung out with Ray, Sulek, 9 mile and Dewitt tonight, I suck at tennis. Watched the Lions beat the Bengals. Drove home after it rained and it was all foggy, it was cool. I took the long way home to think about some shit, it was nice. I find it weird how the human mind attaches itself onto things. Like the girl from above, I don't know her name, and I only kind of remember what she looks like, but for some reason she pops into my head at the most inopportune times, which was a reason for me getting crushed by masonite, I wasn't paying attention at a critical moment. I think it maybe that I'm actually lonely. As much as I hate to admit that I need something from another human being, I am lonely and I wish I had someone to talk to and spend time with. Its funny, most of my friends have girlfriends who they have been with for a while and I would think to myself, that kind of sucks. But I think I'm the one who might be missing out. I wouldn't go out of my way to find a girl, and she would have to impress the hell out of me for me to want to date someone, because I really have been turned off by the whole dating thing, but that maybe because of stupid shit. People keep telling me its easy with the right person, then how the hell does it seem like people can be with the same person for months or years at a time and I can only last a month and I'm dying to get out of a relationship but yet I'm so ready to swear away 8 years of my life to the US Coast Guard where there is a very distinct possibility of dying slowly, cold and alone somewhere in the vast sea. Yet that doesn't scare me in the least, and I relish the chance to save lives. Do I want to be a hero? No, I'd rather be the guy who was just doing his job, because the look and thanks from the people you save is enough for me, the fanfare and glory isn't needed as it is a distraction. I don't think anyone goes out trying to be a hero, I think we are thrust into heroic situations and we rise to the occasion. But in all seriousness, how I am so afraid of commitment in a relationship but not of a contract that I risk my life on to serve and save others? Is there something seriously wrong with me for this? These are the things I think of too much. This is a look into the crazy mind of yours truly. You know, I always worry I'm not living my life enough, when everyone seems to be jelous of the stuff I do, its funny. But I also worry I don't leave an impression on people, that I am forgotten quickly, considering I'm quite average. I stand a whopping 5'6" right of out bed, and a measly 145 lbs. I've sustained more injuries than most pro football players and yet I still subject my body to the continous punishment, but I don't think I'd have it anyway. I consider myself an above average athlete in some ways, but in no way spectacular. I've been through more shit than most people I know and I always bounce back, but I'm never remembered for it, everyone else who does one thing like it is. But what else is there to do but keep slugging it out, because as much as life and others try to keep me down, I'll never stop fighting. I'm wondering how I've gotten so far off topic from where I began, so I'll stop with the lecture. For anyone who reads all of this, I am sorry and you deserve a medal or something. But I think this is the best way to rid myself of the loneliness I'm feeling, just writing it out, and probably no one will read it, but its out there, and out of me. I need to sleep, so I'll finish with a few lines from a song that is stuck in my head. Billy Joel - If I Only Had the Words (To Tell You) If I only had the words to tell you If you only had the time to understand Though I know it wouldn't change your feelings And I know you'll carry on the best you can. If I only had the urge to tell you If you only knew how hard it is to say When the simple lines have all been taken And the radio repeats them every day. If I never find the song to sing you If you always find it hard to comprehend Well, you know there wouldn't be much meaning If I had to sing those tired words again. If I only had the words to tell you If you only had the time to understand But I only have these arms to hold you And it's all that you can ask of any man. |
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| Anonymous | 08-10-07 11:50am and then there was a long sigh.
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