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| mle (profile) wrote, on 5-9-2002 at 11:39pm | |
| Current mood: that calming, cold feeling after crying Music: righteous brothers - you've lost that loving feeling Subject: *sigh* i need to get away from this computer and get a life! |
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so ONCE AGAIN, i typed huge thing and it didnt go through. i think it happens when i take too long because im doing other things too. meh, oh well i guess. so today was just blah. it made me feel so absolutely ashamed to be me. im so lazy and stereotypical of overweight people. omg, its torture. but then i slept, and that was nice. and a talk w/ dad. not a good one. poo. and i sat online, away bc "where are you when i need you?" mark was gone to something @ school. kathy was workin on that stupid spanish project. but why does it hurt me so bad that they're busy when i know i shouldnt be talking about stuff to them anyways? carrie tried to get me to talk to her, but its hard. i dont know all shes gone through, but still -- im almost 100% certain she doesnt know enough to help me w/ my eating disorders. and im just a tad scared that her mouth might release one of my most dear "secrets". actually, a lot of people have forgotten about it, i think at least. oh, and kathy, about purging -- um, im still doing it, just a lot less (1x week?) i think im just kinda like "whats the point in telling people how i feel? they dont understand and its not like i want help. i'll just be misunderstood and possibly lose friends." so thats my stance. thats why im so mum about a topic that taunts me so bad. lately ive been in the mood to just pull some kind of stunt to get the attention i need/want. i feel like everyone has forgotten about me except for kathy and mark, and mark's sick of it, and kathy seems distant (or maybe im distant). and my parents just seem stressed, oblvious to the absolutely torturous thrasing im living through lately. its like, i want to take a whole bottle of asprin, but just 2 or 3 short of killing myself. just enough to get somewhere where i *have* to get help. sounds really bad, i know. thats why i havent done it. kathy, when you were in the hospital back in january... the entire time you were in the van andel institute, i wished it were me. mark has been all over my case about gettin my parents involved again. ive pictured what i want, over and over in my mind: right before i leave for school, ill be sitting by the island in the kitchen w/ mi madre, drinking water, and just totally break down in tears. "i really need help, mom." and then ill get sent away some inpatient place for a few days, get away from everything, get the help/attention i need, and come back all ok and ready to take on everything like i could when i was younger and oblivious/naive. but i cant bring myself to get to that point. i mean, i had a huge talk w/ dad about school and why i cant focus or do homework or anything. i had like 80 chances to tell him i need help, but i just couldnt spit it out. i dont know why? why am i scared? because i dont want to answer their questions. one of my good friends shared the fact that they have been serious about suicide lately. its a sobering thought-- being on the flip side of suicide. ive been here before, but its still nice to have this opprotunity to realize the fear, worry, hurt that comes w/ being the friend of a suicidal. it totally reaffirms my belief in the fact that suicide is not an option. i thought i had lost that moral, but now its back, hopefully for good. i never ever ever want to leave behind that complete chaos of shock, regret, confusion that would take the place of my body. and i never hope anyone else i love will do it either. but i cant control that. as twisted as it sounds, i want to thank my friend for reopening my eyes to the fact that no matter how shitty life is, its all in the mind. as laura always told me, i have the power to make me better or worse. no matter what, no counselor or medicine can make me better unless *my mind* decides im going to get better. its all a state of mind, sometimes we jsut need some help. god, please give me strength. mle |
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spud | 05-10-02 3:31pm man. i don't know what to think. i'm happily oblivious to most of the serious crap. and i don't understand where you're coming from, but that doesn't mean i'd disown you in any fashion. it seems like you have your rote memory poop in a group, now it's more a matter of belief. i still say it seems like you're doing alright. but who am i to say? |
| Anonymous | 05-10-02 6:55pm I know you don't know me but I had to say something when I saw your journal entry. I can see that you are hurting so much. You feel empty and alone, and more than likely that is the root of all your problems. I don't know where you are in terms of religion and what not but I do know this, there is a "God-shaped" hole inside everyone. Inside you. You can't fill it with anything but God and the more you try, the more it tears up your heart and hurts you. I don't know everything about your situation, in fact I know very little, but I don't think it was by some crazy chance that the "random journal" brought me to your journal. Because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God loves you so incredibly much, that's why he died for you. And if you were the only person on earth, He would die again to save you in a heartbeat. God loves you so much that he looked at His own son, Jesus, and He looked at you, and He chose YOU! So He asked His son to die in your place, and He willingly agreed. That's some incredible love! He wants to help you through your problems. You need to talk to your parents. I know it has to be incredibly difficult but don't spend your life being miserable when you can get help and learn to live life to the fullest! People do care about you. That's a fact. There are people who love you so much they would die for you and I'm sure they are willing to help you through these problems too. Don't try to do it by yourself, it is just making things harder for you. God loves you. Your family loves you. Your friends love you. Believe that. Well, That's all I wanted to say. Listen to it or don't, it's up to you.
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| mle | Re:, 05-10-02 7:55pm thanks for reaffirming the whole "god is the way" thing. seriously. ive gone to a catholic school my whole life, and b/c religion is so shoved down your throat, many people turn against it, including me. im trying so desperately to find god but its hard for 2 reasons: 1, many of my friends are almost atheist (probably because they dont see that problems are placed before them for a reason) and 2, because i feel like i ahve let god down. i ruined this wonderful work that he gave me, and i can never forgive myself for that.
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| mle | Re:, 05-10-02 7:56pm thanks for reaffirming the whole "god is the way" thing. seriously. ive gone to a catholic school my whole life, and b/c religion is so shoved down your throat, many people turn against it, including me. im trying so desperately to find god but its hard for 2 reasons: 1, many of my friends are almost atheist (probably because they dont see that problems are placed before them for a reason) and 2, because i feel like i ahve let god down. i ruined this wonderful work that he gave me, and i can never forgive myself for that.
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