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angel_bob (profile) wrote,
on 11-18-2007 at 10:11pm
Subject: You don't have to read this.
I am uber-depressed. This shit sucks, bitches.

I am still having serious trouble readjusting. I am not going to class, slacking off when I actually am in class, not writing papers until late or not at all...it's like work is the only thing I am doing. And I latch onto that to get me through the day.

It's like after four months of vacation, I can't do anything but be very lazy. It's a good thing I'm not the only one feeling like this or I'd think I was crazy.

I can totally see how that girl who went to France a few years ago dropped out of school and wasn't able to make it through. I just feel like I can't do this. And this is a thousand times easier than being in France.

It's like I can't do life anymore. This is so frustrating.

I went to help with the study abroad orientation and the coordinator of the program asked if any of us were having or had trouble with reverse culture shock. We said yeah and then she asked how bad it was. I said it was just as bad as adjusting to France but it's not. It's much, much worse. I've been home for longer than I was gone and I'm still having trouble. No one cares about my pictures, my stories, I have to work, pay bills, write papers, go to class, be in Michigan, talk to people on a consistent basis.

Oh, and the cat we were going to get died the weekend before we were going to get him.

The end.
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threshershark

11-18-07 10:39pm

God I know what you are feeling right now. We were just turned loose from the structured program and I'm supposed to be doing my independant study project but I can't. I just keep sitting around my apartment and thinking about all the things I miss at home and how stupid everything here is. Well that's probably not exactly what you're going through but I'm depressed too, if it helps. Solidarity!

I keep thinking to myself "know what, kyle, you don't have to do your project. You can just not do it, get an F for the course, and go home. It's never going to affect you anyway." It's like nothing matters to me here anymore. I dunno.

Where are your pictures? I will look at them. Today I spent 8 hours looking at photos on flickr. Also you can go over to my house anytime you want and pet Alice for me. He is an awesome cat and he needs pets.

I am not looking forward to the reverse culture shock... although lately I've been doing stuff like wandering into the supermarket to stare at all the cheap christmas decorations and then going out to eat pizza but then i end up getting superhomesick. i'm worried like when i go back all be all like "consumerism!! rampant waste of resources!! Arrrrg i can't live here!!!" what are your experiences with it like? i'm not sure i'm going to handle it well either. anyhoo hope you start feeling better...



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angel_bob

Re:, 11-18-07 11:38pm

Well, I hated it pretty much 99.9% of the time I was there so, getting home was awesome. I was counting down the days a month after we got there.

People are all "how was it?" and even though you have great stories and a long explanation, all they want to hear is "great" and then talk about what they want to talk about. And everyone wants to see your photos but no one wants to hear all the stories that go with them. You'll expect everything to change but either nothing has or very little things have like that building that wasn't there when you left and for some reason that really bothers you. And all the independence that you had while gone is going to be hard to let go of. Your parents will be weird and feel overly restrictive and talking to friends will seem awkward.

The first night back is surreal and then time flies by and it seems like years since you left but it's been only a month. It almost feels fake, like you never went but you have all these pictures and memories from somewhere.

You'll be surprised at how time went by and yet didn't at the same time. You've missed half seasons of TV shows, small news stories that everyone's talking about and things that stayed the same.

Everyone won't be able to accept how you changed and some people are surprised at how you have changed. I didn't drink before I left and came back drinking. Everything that made you who you are is different, or is no longer there.

It's not that hard for everyone. You could not have any of this happen to you or just some of it, or all of it. I was really good friends with one of the girls I went with and now we're barely friends at all and I'm great friends with two other girls I went with.

Also, you're a boy so all the emotional overthinking topsy turvy -ness that I went through might not apply.

If it does though, we'll get together and talk about it for sure.

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threshershark

Re: Re:, 11-18-07 11:57pm

Totally. Over drinks : )

I loved the first part when we were here but now that I'm not so busy everything is getting on my nerves. It's like second culture shock.

Everyone back home keeps begging me to write letters about what I'm doing but I thought of the things you talked about. I've done a lot but who will really care what I did? So I haven't written one yet.

And yeah I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be friends with anyone on this trip when I get back, even though I've gotten along with all of them waaaay better than I got along with anyone at Hope. We're still all pretty different, plus from different states. I dunno...

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hwnchick

11-20-07 3:40pm

im sorry youre so depressed. i havent been out of the country or anything, but i have been moving around a lot the past couple of years, so i know how it feels to be in new living situations and then back to old ones. almost 1 1/2 years ago now, i moved out of my safe, happy home with my grandparents to live in the dorms at college, and it was exciting kinda and lonely and weird and different, but i got used to it. and then i moved out of the dorms into an apartment with a lady from my church and had to get used to living with someone else again (i had a single room in my dorms and didnt really interact with my floormates much because they were 'different' from me) and having weird rules that ive never had before and shes cranky and old and not much fun. so now im moving back with my grandparents this christmas break because i cant afford to live here anymore, except my grandparents have moved to a different island, so, even though it will be the same home environment, it will be a compeltly different atmosphere of living. and even being back in the same familiar family unit will be weird since im used to living on my own and coming home when i wanted and eating when i was hungry instead of at meal times and not cleaning unless i wanted to, etc, etc.
so yea, its not exactly the same thing. but its depressing sometimes thinking about it all and i get sad and lonely sometimes too, and i think about how hard it is being on my own and supporting myself. but then other times i try to convice myself that is an adventure and all this adversity is building my character and ill be a better person for it. some days are just bad days and some days are just good days. i guess you just have to hope for more good days than bad. and do your best to make the bad days good.
ps. im sorry about your kitty.

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hwnchick

11-20-07 3:42pm

and also, even though i had to struggle and miss paying my rent so that i could pay for school, im not going to my classes often. i meant to drop 3 of them, but it was too late, so i got a doctors note because i did miss like two weeks for being sick and i have to go to the dean of my school and show him my note to say i was sick and cant catch up on my classes so i can drop them, when really i just never bothered to go. but im lazy about even going to see him though my excuse is that i dont know exactly who im supposed to talk to. if i dont drop those classes, my gpa will be ruined and ill lose my financial aid and ill really not be able to afford school. but it doesnt seem to be giving me any motivation whatsoever.

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