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xjayk (profile) wrote,
on 2-11-2008 at 9:58pm

R E S P E C T

Though I feel completely humiliated and disrespected I place that smile across my face like I actually think your funny, like your jokes and your sarcastic humor actually humors me in the slightest. I'm sick of feeling like the bad guy, like I'm the only one that feels this complete distaste for you. I put up with you for one person only and I'm begining to wonder if I should even do it for them. Perhaps I should begin to do things for myself and give the rest of the world the finger in return for their responces. I make myself sick, everytime I look into the mirror and realize how truely fake I am. How fake I can be. I do have respect for you but in return of making myself respect you my insides blacken and a horrible ashy taste settles in my mouth.

These feelings I've truely tried to get over. I've tried to repress them until I can no longer see straight. I'm shaking while writing this knowing that people are going to be reading this and find out how I'm truely truely feeling. Streams of tears are cascading downwards, I hate this feeling, I hate it. I didn't want to feel this way about anyone, ever but I do. I'd love to crawl into a hole until I was sure everyone I knew was gone. Cowardly I know but its so hard for me to face people that I know care for me and I'm revealing my true feelings.

I'm glad I have some friends that I know I can say anything to and even if they were mad at me they'd always be there for me. And for that I truely do appreciate them but it is so so hard for me to say any of this. My heart feels like it stopped beating and I have been holding my breathe, I just realized.

I can't stand to be fake anymore, I really can't.
It can't be healthy.

So if anyones cut from my life don't be all to shocked, though you will be surprised at who it may be. I just can't take the stress anymore. I'm sorry I really am. But in a way I am not. In a way I'd feel more so free. And I'll probably end up losing more than just that one person.

Because friends are like dominos - After you knock one down many tumble down with them.

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acidtears

02-11-08 10:09pm

Oh Leesh.
:[

Hug? Ice cream? Cheesecake? Angry sex?

(reply to this)

xjayk

Re:, 02-11-08 10:39pm

Ahah

Oh Carl,

You sure do know how to make me smile. :D

(reply to comment)

acidtears

Re: Re:, 02-11-08 11:28pm

Duuude let's do it.
All of the aforementioned.
Do you need to talk to anyone?

(reply to comment)

xjayk

Re: Re: Re:, 02-12-08 8:31pm

Ahahah
Totally

Man, I don't know if even talking about it would change anything, they way I feel at least. But hey thanks for offering. If you wanted to know what's going on I'd tell you - just not publicly you know?

(reply to comment)

acidtears

Re: Re: Re: Re:, 02-12-08 8:36pm

do you want my number or IM?

Of course I wanna know.

(reply to comment)

xjayk

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 02-12-08 8:49pm

Well of course

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acidtears

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 02-12-08 9:00pm

616 260 3268

AIM EtrnalMasquerade
But let me know if you're adding me, as I have to add you first

(reply to comment)

xjayk

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 02-12-08 9:10pm


Do you have Windows live? That's the only one I have

(reply to comment)

acidtears

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 02-12-08 9:21pm

eternalmasquerade@hotmail.com

(reply to comment)

xjayk

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 02-12-08 9:28pm

Adding....

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