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| godessalthena (profile) wrote, on 2-22-2008 at 10:53am | |
| Current mood: depressed |
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| I suck. like hardcore suck. and i hate myself today. because i'm nothing but a bitch. and i freak about about stupid shit. i don't deserve this stuff. i don't deserve to have anything. because people shouldn't like such a bad person. i have an ugly heart and a bad personality. i wish i could just forget who i am and start my personality over again. i just want someone to talk to. i need something to talk to. who won't talk back, or make me feel like shit for feeling the way i do. because that isn't fair and it sucks. and i suck because i do the same to other people. i wish i could just not be me. i don't want this anymore. i don't want to hate everyday i'm alive and feel like i'm never ever going to amount to anything no matter how hard i try. i want to cry on every phone call to every stranger. i want someone to help me get out of this. i want someone to get me help and make me get better. i hate feeling like people don't believe me when i say there is something wrong with me. i know there is, because i'm sitting here in the dark listening to music crying because i can't get a blood pressure check until the 27th of this month and will have to be without birth control for a month. does it even fucking matter that much? i don't even think that's the real reason i'm crying. it's because out of maybe the 25 people i talked to today, only one sounded half concerned about me and offered to help me more than just giving me a stupid phone number and wishing me luck. no one cares. and no one should. since it's my life and not anyone else's. it's too difficult anyway to care about other people. it's stupid. it's really stupid. that this world is so trivial and it's finally gotten into me... now i can't let go of the stupid things that everyone obsess about. i just fucking want to be unique and loved by people. i want friends who understand me and who i can actually talk to without getting a lecture. i'm so sick of lectures, i'm so sick of feeling like i just don't matter as a human being. i can't even find my own reason to live. i'm just floating around doing jack shit because i don't see the point of doing anything anyway. it won't get me the things i want. it won't make me feel beautiful or better about myself or my position in life. and none of those things matter anyway because we all die in the end and we all are forgotten. and i wish i didn't have to take part in this game. this game that's been going on for thousands of years. this game that has no point and no winner. we all lose. what's the point of playing a game you know you won't win... why is everything a fucking game to me? maybe my life would be more meaningful if i was ugly. or if i was obese. or if i was evil and a murderer... or if i could listen to people. or if people could listen to people. or if anyone cared to listen to anything. i hate these stupid breakdowns. they make me feel so stupid and small and helpless. AND SO FUCKING ALONE... hopefully the rest of today will be good. |
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rorin | What happened?, 02-23-08 3:11am What would you like me to do?
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angel_bob | 02-23-08 3:44pm Deep breaths. |
oceanchild | 02-23-08 5:16pm Don't hate yourself -- there's nothing there to hate.
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