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xjayk (profile) wrote,
on 4-22-2008 at 11:54pm
I've realized that everyone around me is growing up so fast, Hillary's graduating and going to cosmo school, Abby is handling full grown boa constricters, and my little brother is saving up for a car. And with all of this growing up I feel left behind.

One day everyone is going to get married and have children and though I don't think about it much because at this present time I don't want either a husband nor a child I cannot help but think - what about me?

One day I'm going to be throwing my best friend a baby shower and helping her out with wedding plans while her fiance goes out with the boys to do manly things like drink beer and eat steak. And well... sometimes I just wish I had those sorts of things to look foreward to.

Honestly I really don't want to get married, marriage just doesn't apeal to me but one day holding my own child in my arms would be amazing... If only if only right?

So while all of my friends are grown up with families that they love and hold dear to them I'll have my thoughts and the occasional Wens. night out with the girls while their kids are at softball practice. And I'll be left behind, in an ageing neverland.

It really is funny how we take for granted everything that we have until its gone and you may never be able to get it back.


I know I go on about kids alot. But its been a topic that has presented itself to me alot over the past year. Its sad. If I could maybe just have one when I was around 32 and had things going for me then I swear I'd be more than happy. *sigh*

I know I'm all over the place, I get that way when I'm upset...Perhaps I wont even post this I really don't feel like I should burden anyone with this... But hey you kept reading right?


I swear at times I hate to be me, though I have friends and family that loves me, I feel like I don't have much of a future ahead of me. I know people say you create your own future and its true I can create my own sucess when it comes to jobs, houses, money, ect... but children, no god decided to take back that blessing a month ago. And I'm scared, what's going to happen when I'm old?


What's the fucking point anymore?

You go to work to save money for a house, to raise a family in or at least that's what I was brought up on.

Now what happens when you've got shit?

God Damnit

What's the fucking point?
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acidtears

04-23-08 3:34pm

After you lose a baby, Leesh, I know how it feels to throw everything around in your head and scream, "What the fuck now!?"

Now that everything's gone.

And it's true. That's how it feels. It feels like there's no purpose and everything has changed. Once you get all of these things, then what? Then you get everything you lose back? No. No, you don't, and frankly - that's the only thing that would make it all seem 'worth it,' right?

You'll get the job, the money, the car, maybe the husband and maybe some kids. But you'll still be wanting back what you lost.
Always.

And I guess you know all of these things.
But I wanted you to know that.. well, so do I.
And if you ever, ever need somebody to listen.
I'm here.
Always.

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xjayk

Re:, 04-23-08 10:44pm

Thanks for the comment Jess

I don't know I was just really down and out, I've had so much time to think lately that its pathetic and I just realized that the one chance (if I would have been smarter and taken care of myself better) I had to have a child is gone. I can't have kids anymore. And it just feels like I'm being punished. Like God decided that the only way to make a point to me he'd have to take away my damned ovaries.

I know complain complain but this really does affect every aspect of my future and frankly it sucks ass....


Thanks for being there

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