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| butterfly (profile) wrote, on 5-12-2008 at 4:40pm | |
| Current mood: depressed Music: Everybody - Keith Urban |
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| I feel like something in my life is off... some small little piece, or even a large part. I don't know, it's very disconcerting though. Honestly, I could just be psyching myself out about going to Michigan. I always do this. I did it with Karl... I did it when I was going to start school at Ferris, when I was going to move up after Christmas. I just... I'm scared. And that's hard for me to admit because I don't like to admit weakness, but honestly I am scared to death. I'm scared that anything and everything can go wrong, and I'm not going to go into details because there are far too many. It's not that I don't think myself ready for this; I love Kelly and I am ready to start my life with him. I'm tired of being away from him, it's hard too hard and it's thoroughly depressing. However, I am scared to leave here. This is the only place I've ever known. All of my family is here, and as much as we fight, we're close. Ashley is my best friend and as ready as I am to leave, I don't want to leave her. Or Taylor, or Trevor, or my dad or even my psychotic, bipolar mother. Or my grandparents. I mean, I will, obviously, I love Kelly too much to back out of this, but... I just hope he understands how hard this is for me. It's not that I'm wanting outright awe and praise, I just want him to understand that it's not that I'm reluctant to be with him, I'm simply reluctant to leave all of my family and friends behind. People who have been with me through everything. I kind of feel like he's moving on and I'm getting stuck behind. I'm not convinced it's anything he's doing per say, but he and pJ and Mandie are moving out, getting an apartment, getting furniture and appliances and stuff, and I'm not there to help out and pick stuff out, and be excited about it. I want to be there. I want to be a part of it, but because I'm not there I'm not. We're living two completely seperate lives and that fact is really getting to me lately. I'm not sure there's anything anyone can do about it either; I just have to live with it. Only it's not really something I'm comfortable living with, but I don't see a way around it. All of my friends are getting married, moving in together, planning their lives, and I'm not. I'm here and though I have a boyfriend, I don't get to hear his voice every night, feel his touch, and just be with him. It's hard to be happy for any reason when that weighs on my mind so often. I know it's coming, I'll be up there this summer for awhile, and then either he'll come here for Christmas or I'll go up there if we have the money, which fortunately we do always seem to find a way, and then another semester and I'll be done with school and up there. Confusingly, it's just as exciting to think about as it is daunting. |
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duckie | 05-14-08 11:50am Leaving your family and friends will not be easy, and the first time that I did it, it wasn't easy for me either. You can do it though. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, and it's not like you're moving to a new place where you don't know anyone. You've been here before. You have Kelly, you have me, you have Pj, and whoever else you know in this neck of the woods. We may not be your family, but you still know us, and we're still a part of your comfort zone here.
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