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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 5-28-2008 at 9:16pm
I miss me...

I miss so much about me.. I miss the way I used to look... The way I used to feel... The way I used to think...

Now I'm just bitter and cynical and I hate everything and everyone... And It's so disgusting... I do horrible things when I'm alone. I make bad choices and I do things that would hurt everyone... I just don't know where I went...

I feel like the second I left Spokane the first time is the second I let go of everything that was good about myself. All I do is tease people here... And make them feel horrible about themselves. I just point out their faults and never give them an inch to make mistakes.... What am I doing? I'm not helping anyone when I'm like this...

But I don't remember how to be the way i was. I've been hurt so much, by me and by others. I'm just so stupid to think I was getting better. If anything I've become a person that I would have hated...

Come to think of it.. Jason was a lot like me. And I really do think I hate Jason on some level. Every time I was with him he made me see everything that was wrong with me in him. He was just like me, cold, heartless and doing bad things, but not caring. He had lost any semblance of justice or goodness. He was just a hollow person hiding behind some ideology to make himself feel better about the person he had become... I don't really have anything to hide behind, I just fake ignorance to the bad in me. I just don't acknowledge it as a character flaw...

But now when I'm really honest, the whole of me is a flaw. I've lost all my beauty and I hide behind my hair dye and my makeup and my tattoos, hoping that somehow, everyone will be fooled by this fakeness I build up on the outside of myself. I don't know if I have anyone fooled except myself, but no one here has said anything about it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore...

I've been searching since I've moved to Bellevue for something that makes me happy. For something to take up my time and to help me forget about all the bad things that have ruined my heart... And everything I try feels so fake. It makes me feel guilty. I try to fill my body with art, I try to build things, to cook, to bake, to paint... All those things make me happy, but they all make me feel fake and guilty. I feel like maybe I shouldn't enjoy these things. Maybe I'm just trying to be normal...

Maybe I am just normal and I can't deal with it. Being bad is easier than being normal. But my friends here all assure me that what I do is normal. And that I'm just like everyone else my age... But why don't I feel 20? I feel like I've lived forever and I'm just waiting to die so I can go and burn in Hell.

I feel so stupid saying these things... But I don't know where else I can just get all this stuff out without risking Kirk seeing it... Or being interrupted.. I just have so much frustration and anger towards myself for changing everything I liked or should have liked about me.

What the hell does anyone see in me anymore? Or they all still here because of sweet memories of me? Or am I just being completely stupid and I haven't really changed that much?

I'm so diluted. I should just stop now...

peace&love <3 amelia
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rorin

05-29-08 2:40am

There are so many things to say…
I wish you were here, Amelia. I wish we could walk to Cannon Hill and lay in the grass and just talk about everything.

“You still believe in nature and friends and hearts…” I know I brought all of this up. When I texted you about how you used to be. I wasn't trying to bring to your attention how much you've changed. I was trying to say how much I miss you and how beautiful you are.

You haven't changed much, dear. The reason why you think you have is because you dwell on it and you dwell on the past. So much has changed in your life because you're in a different place. And yes, you may have changed a little, with all the tattoos and hair dye but I think the reason why you do that is because you love the way it makes you feel… free. You're free of your parents and their rules. You're free of judgment and nasty looks from the close-minded people Spokane. You are not normal. You are extraordinary. Maybe the people there see it as normal because there are so many extraordinary people over on the west side, but compared to us dull Spokanites, you're a glittering diamond in the sky.

You haven't changed because from what you say to me just through texting I can hear the love in your voice… Yes, I can hear your texts. Whenever I read them I imagine you standing in front of me and telling me these things. I can feel how you care through your words. Why would “ily Lauren” mean so much to me? Because it's coming from you. I love so many things about you... You're impulsive and you don't hide behind the things you make. You make beautiful things – paintings, tattoos, yummy food… I feel as though you just need an outlet because of the overflow of beauty you have in your soul.

And the soul thing… I remember you saying to me a long time ago that you didn't think you had a soul. You said it again yesterday and it broke my heart. I don't really know what a soul is, but I know you have one and it's wonderful. Amelia, your soul is one of the most stunning things I have ever seen. I've seen it through our friendship. You let me know it's there every time I see you. Every time I see your pretty smile and hear your cute giggles and feel your warm heart, I know it is there.

The last time I visited you in Seattle was when I did see a change. You seemed a bit more down than you were before. Or… maybe it's that you couldn't hide it in such an unkind environment. I know you've always disliked yourself. The screen is cold and blank but you call yourself a monster and I can feel your aching pain through your words on the screen. Again, it breaks my heart because I can't be there for you. All you need is someone to be your true friend. I wish I could be there for you. I wish I could take all your pain away.

You're still Amelia. You're still the same girl I sat up on the roof top with and played games with and laughed with and smiled with and hugged. You've just been beaten down by the harsh and ruthless city and it's breaking your natured spirit. Maybe you could visit and feel the you again. Maybe if you come home you won't feel so fake or bitter. Maybe if I see you I can fix it all.

“I feel like I've lived forever and I'm just waiting to die so I can go and burn in Hell.”
You're not waiting to die. You're waiting to live. Just give it some time. It will all be alright… in the end.

ily Amelia.


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rorin

05-29-08 2:42am

*err... Spokane people that is.

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yamiyugi

06-04-08 3:42am

You'll always be the same lil millykins to me =)

ily ♥

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