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| robbingnovember (profile) wrote, on 9-27-2008 at 4:50pm | |
| I think I have to write something. I have been trying to wrap my mind around a few things. I think I am generally okay, happy. whatever. I just still feel like this is not the me I am going to be. I am in some transition state.. still. Things still need to change, really. It comes out in spurts. I want to stop being so sarcastic.. even if it is funny. I agree with my dad.. what's the use. It is fucking negative speech .. just like gossip. You grow up in superficial raton and gossip is the norm. I don't want to be known as a gossip.. it is all empty. Or why be jealous.. instead of just being happy that someone else has found happiness. I still feel like there are so many negative emotions floating around me.. I want to be a positive person. I really do. I feel like I surround myself with negative people and I don't know how to deal with that. Perhaps, after college.. we can still be friends.. just not hang out every day. And then when I try to be positive or be happy about positive things.. it is like I am weird. I just want to appreciate simple things and nice people without having to make fun of everything. Some things are beautiful.. not funny. just nice. So I have to work all that out. Plus, I don't really think I have any idea what I want to do with my life.. and it is becoming alarmingly clear as the days go by. I just want to be able to escape.. I need the few years off.. something tells me that I might never go to grad school? Who knows. maybe I will. I just want to help people. directly. I want to live a good life. Plus, I've been just thinking lately. About romance. about whatever. I am kind of emotionally numb/dumb. And I heard this wonderful story.. about love.. and just knowing. And I thought I just knew once. And I wrote beautiful things and I felt like my heart was being torn apart. And now I don't feel anything for anyone. I feel remorse. I feel empty. You know.. when you think you have found the one.. you are done searching. I am by no means done searching (theoretically) .. but yet I am not searching at all. My life is on hold.. There is nothing more I want in life than to be loved and to love and to help people because I love them. To put good in the world and have a wonderful family. So what am I doing right now? Have I met the one? I don't think so.. But i could miss him. I really could. I want that feeling again.. I do. I don't have time or emotional resources. but I want to feel like the world is about to end and I want to just feel my heart swelling up and I want to listen to love songs and think that they actually mean something to me. I fear that I am wasting my youth on not feeling that way.. on feeling stressed and okay and numb.. I don't have any great stories to tell. Definitely no cute love stories to tell. only horrible ones. I am a machine. and I don't care anymore. |
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| Anonymous | 09-29-08 3:45am "I just want to appreciate simple things and nice people without having to make fun of everything. Some things are beautiful.. not funny. just nice."
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blueyed | 10-03-08 3:13pm
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Anonymous | Re:, 10-28-08 10:27pm I love that too. I like moments when you remember that people care and want to listen to you... it's a nice thing.
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