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	phil-himself (profile) wrote, on 1-20-2009 at 2:49pm

Because when I posted it as a comment, apparently it was far too crushing to everyone's overinflated sense of ecstasy this afternoon. Here are some of my favorite clips from Cracked's live blog of the inauguration. On April 30, 1789, George Washington was inaugurated as the first President of the United States of America, which was the last time something interesting and cool happened at a presidential inauguration. Until right now. Today, for the first time in our nation’s proud history, Cracked.com liveblogged the shit out of the Inauguration of President Barack Obama. What we lack in tact and political astuteness we more than make up for in paralyzing sexiness. 11:39 AM EST- They just showed Barack walking up and down the hall. There’s a screaming crowd. People are chanting…I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t just a special extended edition of Monday Night Raw. 12:08 PM EST- This honestly feels important and historic. (I’m talking, of course, about the House marathon on USA all day.) Meanwhile this inauguration or whatever. Barack is shockingly calm. Here it is. Rosa Parks sat, so Martin Luther King could stand. He stood, so Barack Obama could run. And Obama ran, so I could sit in my apartment on inauguration day and masturbate majestically. 12:12 PM EST- People cheered so hard it broke my Internet feed. I wish people would cheer like that every time I failed to repeat something intelligibly. Since he flubbed the opening of the oath, does that mean he’s not really President? I mean technically? Or even worse, does it mean that he IS President, but not bound by the oath?! Gasp! ROGUE PRESIDENT! The nation’s woes are due to “the irresponsibility and greed of some.” If I were you Wayne, I’d be blushing right about now. Dan: Yes, but are you playing John Williams? Because that’s what I’m imagining. Specifically the Jurassic Park theme. 12:38 PM EST- Hey, Barack’s been president for like 12 minutes now and I’m still broke. What the fuck? I’m broke, and gas is expensive, we’re still at war. I thought Barack was supposed to bring change. And did you guys know his middle name is Hussein? Are we positive this is the guy we want to put in charge of America Inc? He barely looks like he knows the Star Spangled Banner. 12:46 PM EST- Dan, to be fair, I don’t know the Star Spangled Banner, and I was born when a baseball fucked an apple pie. So as things wind down, let us remember some simple facts: Most of the people in the crowd bolted as soon as the second prayer started. Clinton clearly fell asleep at one point. I may be broke, but I’m typing this on a computer with a broadband Internet connection while Obama’s brother is probably listening to it on a communal radio in his shanty town. Also, I’ll be buying a bunch of Lotto tickets later. The more things change, the more we get fat and watch Scrubs. YES. WE. CAN! 12:48 PM EST- So, I’m watching Fox New’s coverage bc only HULU’s feed seems to be working for me. And according to Fox News there were no phrases from this speech which will ring through history. Fox is now concentrating on how Barack’s goal is to reach out to the Muslim world. Speaking of conservatives who seemd intent in portraying Obama poorly, did anyone notice during the oath how Chief Justice Roberts said “so help you God?” with just a touch of doubt — like “are you sure you love Jesus? No, really?” 12:55 PM EST- Closing Thougts: Well, that’s all. Barack is the president, the crowd is chanting, though I don’t think any two people are chanting the same thing, and all of America had to sit through the shittiest poem I’ve ever heard. I wonder, of all the people in that crowd, how many of them pissed themselves because it was easier than trying to find a bathroom. And Barack is taking Bush to his helicopter. Sarah Palin would be kicking herself at home, if I hadn’t put her in a sex coma in the middle of Obama’s speech. George Bush is no longer the president of the United States of America. George Bush is no longer the President. It’s kind of important to me that I get to say that twice. In 2004, my friend Marne gave me “America: The Book” and wrote the inscription inside: “If we laugh about it, we can make it to 2009.” And here we are. Whatever, Guess I'm the asshole.
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