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| jedibumblebee (profile) wrote, on 2-1-2009 at 6:40pm | |
| Subject: How I Met Your Mother |
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Taxi driver: Woah woah woah. Did you hit her? Lily: [laughs] Hit me? Please! This guy can barely spank me in bed for fun. He's all like "Oh, honey, did that hurt?" and I'm all like, "C'mon, let me have it, ya pansy!" [aside, softer] Wow. Complete Stranger. Lily: On Monday I'm going to have to tell my kindergarten class, who I tell not to run with scissors, how my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword! Marshall: Technically, it didn't go all the way through. Lily: I'm sorry, were we having a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me? Ted: Yes Barney, your submissions were received and No, we will not be attending any parties in your pants. Marshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it. Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I win. Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together. Lily: Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win. Lily: [to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night? Ted: I had the most... amazing night ever. Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley." Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..." Lily: [about throwing the wedding bouquet] It's such an evil tradition. Ted: You're not gonna do it at your wedding? Lily: Hell, yeah! I'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream, "Crawl for it, bitches!" It's just what girls do. Barney: The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old. Marshall: So dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my brosephs from Kappa and they're all, "Yo, Erickson. Let's roll to the strip club." So I'm like, "Snapa Do!" So we find this choice nudey nest near the airport...and that is when the bouncer kicked us out. Now I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes, fake diamond ring - worth every penny, brah. Office Jerk 1: Erickson, that was steak sauce! Waitress: Be careful, the plate is very hot! Ted: Oh go on, touch it. Lily: [touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that’s a hot plate! Saget!Ted: The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy. Waiter: Morning, guys! What can I getcha? Lily: Shhhhhh.....bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake. Waiter: For you, sir? Ted: Uggh....gravy. Waiter: Do you want that gravy on something? Ted: ...Surprise me. Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good! Lily: What are you so chirpy about? Ted: She's still drunk from last night. Robin: I don't think so! (looks around, then shakes her chest) WOOOO! Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls? Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment. Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment? Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker. [Flashback to Barney with different girls] Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married. Barney: Ohhhh..... Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out! Barney: Ohhhh..... Girl #3: I just turned 30. Barney: Ohhhhhh..... [back to present] Barney: So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible Ted: Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative? [flash to Robin and Ted at the altar] Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife. Ted: I love you. Robin: I used to be a dude. Ted: Ohhhh..... Marshall: Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy pink drinks with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like but can't order because they'll be made fun of. Ted: Dude Marshall: They're delicious! [While very high] Ted: How was the concert? Marshall: [laughs] I couldn't find outside Marshall: But just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods. Ted: Almighty TiVo, We thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of god-like. And let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, o magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats. Marshall and Ted: Amen. Lily: [talking to Marshall about electronic tracking devices worn by marathon runners] When we get married, you’re getting one of those. Ted: Dude... you shaved your fricking head? Marshall: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- (Looks in mirror) Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!? Ted: What!? Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you! Marshall: Wow. You're here, and not in stall two. Ted: Yeah, so? Marshall: I may have made some wildly inappropriate homoerotic comments to a gentleman wearing your shoes. Lily: Oh my god, this burger is so good! It's like Christmas in my mouth! Meat Christmas! Ted: It's like an angel from heaven landed in the kitchen at MacLaren's, where the chef killed it and ran it through a meat grinder. Barney: I love this burger so much I want to sew my ass shut. Marshall: I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today, I was walking around PriceCo. Have you been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped! Every time I turn around I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the oceans to destroy bodegas! ...I'm too big for New York, okay! I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago. "Hey, people are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is wrong with you?" ...And it's so loud. All the time. Yes, I know it's the city that never sleeps, but guess what? I like to sleep! I've been tired for eight years! Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit into all these tiny elf doorways! New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again! For the rest of your life! I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey! (see's Lily's Face) I'm just kidding. Barney: (in old man make-up) You there, what's your name? Woman: Cindy. Barney: Cindy. I knew it! You're the Cindy, the one that can change everything...or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson. And I am on an urgent mission from the future. Woman: The future? Barney: The future! And I can prove it! In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man. (Robin slaps Ted, Woman is amazed) Barney: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane...but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him. Tonight. Woman: What? Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson, tonight, in whatever way he wants it...or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race! Woman: What are you talking about? Barney: I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away! (Barney returns a few minutes later, looking like himself) Woman: Oh my god! You're-oh my god! Can I buy you a drink? Barney: Well, I guess I have time for one drink, and forty-five minutes to an hour of some other activity. But after that I have to get back to, uh, a secret research project I'm working on. Woman: Global warming? Barney: My god. How did you know that? Ted: So, Arizona... You know, I-I've always wanted to see what an Arizona driver's license looks like... Barney: I already ran that play, bro. They're 21. We're good. Ted: Thank God. Marshall: You're like some robot who sees a person crying and says (with mechanical robot voice), "Why is that human leaking?" Barney: [desperate] Ted! What's in a gin and tonic? What's in a gin and tonic?! |
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polishpimping | I'm glad that I'm not the only person with taste, 02-19-09 8:21pm fer seriously |