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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 6-8-2009 at 3:47pm
so...

i hate my life.
and..
i have no where to really express the hatred of my life.
i want to take a million showers a day to try and wash off myself.
but water can't fix what's on the inside.
it can't fix what other people have maimed..

its not my fault i hate myself. its my fault that i can't just take the whole bottle and forget it.

[ edit ]
so.. there's something that i want to get off my chest:

on a daily basis i think about the vicoden in the bathroom and the vodka in the freezer. i think about all those intervention shows. i think to myself... i know it doesn't fix any of their problems. i know it won't fix any of mine. but i want to take them. i want to feel like there is nothing wrong with me. i want to feel like i used to when i was happy and the world was beautiful. i want to forget who i am and how i feel. my mental health has deteriorated so radically since may that i'm scared there may be something more wrong with me than just the constant depression i've been fighting my whole adult life. but i don't have health insurance and i don't have money... i don't have a family and i don't have friends. i feel so alone and isolated and i can't talk to anyone or anything about how i feel.. i don't know how to fix myself, i don't know how to feel better. i don't know if i walk will help i don't know... i just don't want to do anything anymore. i just want to curl up and go back to when i was happy. i want to relive all the memories i've forgotten. i want to be someone worth everyone's time, i want to be someone worth love... but i don't think i ever will be again. i don't think its possible for me to be happy again. i'm so fucking stuck in this hole and no one knows how to reach me... i just want so badly to be saved.. i don't even want to be taken care of. i just want.. i NEED someone to help me see. I need help to find the light again. I keep thinking that.. maybe if i believed in god.. i wouldn't feel like this. i would know that i am beautiful and loved.. but i know that it's pointless. god doesn't love me. he never has and he never will... i wish my happiness didn't depend so strongly on knowing that someone, somewhere, loved me the way i need. i need my parents to love me and be happy that i am me.. i need my family to see me as someone competent. i need to know i'm really as wonderful as people tell me.. i just never see it. and maybe i'm blind, and maybe it's not really being shown, just said.. i just don't know anymore. i'm lost.. like really, utterly lost. i don't want a future, i don't want a child, i don't want a house or a yard or a garden full of beautiful flowers where it rains on a constant basis and the sky is always a beautiful shade of grey.. and the light from the sun is diffuse and haunting... i don't want any of that.. i don't want to have dreams or goals or aspirations anymore. i don't want to be the responsible one.. i don't want to be the one worrying about bills and money. i don't want to grow up. i don't want to be the person i've become.... this disgusting person who can't think a single positive thing about herself. who feels like she can't do anything right.. who feels like she's doomed to fail before she even beings to imagine what she can do. this person who has no passion.. who starts stupid fights and thinks about things all wrong. i want to stop lying to myself.. i want to stop telling myself that i don't want all these things. i want to stop pretending i'm someone i'm not because i think it will make someone love me more. i wish i knew who i was. who i wanted to be. i wish i had the strength and support system to do it. but everyone is so involved in their own lives.. everyone is becoming someone else. everyone is happy and content with what they have and where they're going. and i'm stagnant. i don't even want to move away anymore. i don't want to stay here but i don't want to go to seattle. i don't want anything. i just want to stop living. i want to stop pretending to live.
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