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| mle (profile) wrote, on 5-12-2002 at 10:38pm | |
| Current mood: contemplative Music: avril lavigne - complicated -- LOVE this song! so true, so true Subject: omg, if this thing fucks up another one of my long entries.... |
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| there are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how (oasis - wonderwall) *sigh* lets see, can i retrace ALL that i just typed? i dont know, but i guess i might as well try... so i decided taht i need to do something about my friends. they bring me down. dont get me wrong, i love them (specially you, kath!) but its so hard. theres just something about them thats so upsetting. im either so bummed that theyre being antisocial and close-minded, or im worried that theyre gonna drink themselves to death or someother form of suicide, or im brought down by their constant negativity and pessimism. its not all their fault, i mean, i do the same exact things. but i think theyre just kinda a bad influence on me. they make me everything i dont want to be. i beleive you are the company you keep --the chick on the real world and that rings in my mind. do i want to be some bitchy, self-centered, negative, slacking, judgemental (sometimes), depressed, overexaggerating teenager? not realy. but thats how i am right now. and i truly beleive its @ least partly due to my friends. they kind of encourage those traits w/in me. and thats not good. they never used to. it used to just be that i felt understood by them because we shared those quirks (specially the depression) now its a downfall. i need to surround myself w/ people who i want to turn into. or maybe we just all need a break from each other in order to refresh ourselves and refocus on who/what we want to be. all i know, is i dont want to be what i am right now. and i somehow need to find a way around the path ive taken. therefore, ive pulled away from them in a way. just to test it. we'll see what tomorrow brings... if im leaving w/ a broken heart you're leaving w/ a bleedin nose this is the last time you'll see me (jettingham - cheating) so i had a nice little chat w/ daddy in the car today. all about school. i was bawling -- i couldnt stop crying! school is such a touchy topic. i mean, my cousin asked me what i wanted to do w/ college and i couldnt really answer him - i had to bite my lip in order to keep myself from crying! thats not normal! but thats how i feel. totally stressed and disappointed and anxious and depressed. over anything school-related. i mean, here i sit, a little before 11pm w/ 6 classes worth of homework not done. and this is the norm. but im such a perfectionist, and the cycle is completely vicious. im on the verge of a breakdown just thinking about it. and tomorrow. and the hell... god, i need out. its so unbeleivably hard to be in honors classes. i mean, im w/ the top kids. the "cool kids". the beautiful people. the artists/band fags. the all-american, loved-by-everyone people. the all-city athletes. the geniuses. and im nothing. none of that! and it kills me - partly jealousy, partly because i just simply dont measure up, and i never will. i used to. i used to have it all. back in 6th grade, man i was riding high - athlete, smart, popular, musically inclined, award-winning writer. everything! and i was a cutie! now i have none of taht. i mean, im not even smart anymore! its crazy. i dont know where it all went. down the hole -- to depression?? who knows. but its not here anymore. and i wish more than anything that i could jsut relive my life. redo everything i fucked up (which is A LOT) i mean, i would live my life 100% differently if i would have known 1/2 the things i know now. i wouldnt have lost everything... me and my dad's relationship sucks. love-hate. he was soo nice for a little while today. like, i sat on his lap and cried @ my grandparent's house. just cried into his shoulder like i used to. and our talk and everything... but then like 20 minutes later, we were at each other's throats! i mean, just like, vicious as all hell, like normal. i cant stand it! why cant we either just be one way or the other? and of course, he tried to tell me that i wasnt "nothing" like i said i was, that i was just a good as the next person. but i know better. i know the truth. i dont need you to be by my side tell me that everything's all right just wanted you to tell me the truth you know id do that for you... is it me? is it you? nothing that i could do (hoobastank - running away) god, theres so much more i could say.. even after i had to retype this thing (grr...) but yea. im gonna leave. i have *so* much shit to do, and the rents wont give me any sympathy, what-so-ever. *sigh* sometimes i dont even know why i bother w/ life. im really feelin down. mle |
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| Anonymous | 05-13-02 3:29pm I didn't know you were Catholic. I guess I just assumed because you said you went to a Catholic school all your life. Plus I am Catholic so I really only know about Catholic youth groups around Grand Rapids. Good luck with trying to find some friends who you want to be like more than the ones you have now. I totally admire you for being able to see that you may benefit from some new friends and being willing to try! Also, I think it's awesome you were able to have a nice talk with your dad and get some stuff off your chest!God loves ya! God Bless! |
spud | 05-13-02 10:38pm therein lies your problem. (keep in mind that this is all just my opinion)
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drunkslut | 05-14-02 9:35am how can you say that we are a bad influence on you? you have become so completely introverted lately! you told me the other day "im not hangin out with people unless theres a huge party..." whats that about? thats got nothin to do with us! thats way more antisocial than any of us are! and you like to drink just as much, if not more, than i do! and a lot of other people do! nobodys gonna die from the drinkin we do! its not that serious! but i jsut dont get how you can pin all of that on us, your friends, when you are more guilty of it than most of us are! |
| mle | Re:, 05-15-02 6:59pm umm.. im gonna email u this reply bc its gonna b long...
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