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xjayk (profile) wrote,
on 5-12-2011 at 10:50am
I just wanted everything to be okay.

I know it sounds stupid and quite frankly unrealistic but I can hope right?
Now there has been a new blessing in Thad and I's life it at least at first all sempt so... It felt like we were lying to people. I still after 5 weeks couldnt believe it so anytime I'd even remotely open my mouth about it I just felt horrible...Like I was telling my best friernd a lie. Well finally now at week 10 I can see my life I can see my baby and it all feels so real now. Which makes every little thing that people have said to me blown up. I feel abandoned. I find myself alone or with family members most of the time; which I dont mind I am very family orriented...but it would be nice to have a friend in the mix. Tomi's to busy with work and Attley, which I understand, and Hillary's to busy with grown up stuff so it kind of leaves me to myself. You know I just always felt like no matter what I would have a certain group of friends that would go through hell or high water with ya... Again not so realistic.
Maybe Thad is right. I'm just an emotional wreck lately.
Maybe I shouldn't take everything so personally
Too bad it all feels so...
Present

Everything that you say hits me like a ton of bricks when at one point not to long ago in my life I could shrug off whatever you had to say. Maybe its because its the people closest to me that are acting so strangley towards me.
My family says I'll kill Isaac; I have quit smoking and I drink only the pop my doctor allows, I work out, I have read almost every baby book I come across, fast food I miss terribly.
Tell me again how I'm going to kill my child? By trying to do everything correctly? By being a little paranoid? Okay. I'll do better

Like I said...I'm an emotional mess

Example

Any baby that comes onto the television (that doesn't look like it came out of childs play) I bawl my eyes out

Due to the fact I can smell everything- I yell at anyone who exits a bathroom or anyone that cooks

This post...

I make issues sooo much bigger than what they should be...Sorry Thad

I like to spend a majority of my time asleep, thank God no one reads this someone would think I was crazy, but I have dreams that my babies here and I get to spend a couple moments with him before I wake up to pee. The last dream made me sob for close to an hour. I dreampt that he was laying in between my legs and he stretched and looked up at me and smiled then I had to nurse him...I cannot describe the feeling though...it was my child in the dream. Although it felt like a girl more so than a boy that I'm almost positive I'm having. It was the most wonderful feeling I've had in my entire life and when I sleep sometimes I get that feeling back for just a split second.

I'm just tired of being ignored...and I'm sure once the baby is here people are going to regret not spending the time that they should have because quite frankly I'm going to be really busy and time with them wont be on the top of my list. I have seven more months...Oh well. See now I sound whiney but its true. I wont be allowed a life anymore when the baby gets here; because he'll be my life. Period.

Now that I've made myself sound absolutely nuts I gotta get going.
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xxxxxxxxxx

05-14-11 4:43pm

I miss you.
I miss you all the time.

And I constantly wonder how you are, and always want to spend time with you.

But that's just it, you know? I hate how busy I am, and when I'm not busy you are - you know how it all works out.

But in all honesty, I believe I need to do better on the planning end of things. If I tell you I'm coming, I need to be there. If I make a plan, I need to keep it. I realize I'm lacking in this department. Anyway, I am sorry.

I have a proposal - I think we should start at LEAST meeting halfway once a week for dinner. I think you need it, I need it. It will fully benefit us both. What do you think? We can work the details out, of course, since we don't always have the same days off. I'm thinking Thursdays, but let me know what works for you.

I know this is a really tough time for you right now, and I really do want to be there for you. As much as I possibly can. Call me, text me, e-mail me, etc.

I love you.
Keep your head up. You have a beautiful little baby on the way, and the second you lay eyes on his or her face you'll know this was all worth it. :)

Hilly.





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xjayk

Re: , 12-05-14 3:53pm

Your comment ^

I swear you told me the same thing before I left for CO! lol

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