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squallet (profile) wrote,
on 9-24-2012 at 7:12pm
Current mood: numb
Music: "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" by The Offspring
Subject: This volume is already at max? Fuck.
Woohu... It's been too long. o.o;

I've decided that I really need to come back and start ranting here again. I'm sick of trying to talk to people about my issues and all of that crap. Talking to people just ends up somehow making things more complicated in the long run. Not only then do you have an audience that you need to keep up to date, but then you have to deal with all of their insignificant judgments. It's easier to just rant to an empty text field on the interwebs. -nod-

Issue number one. I feel like the lowest piece of shit on the planet. Why? Because I probably AM the lowest piece of shit on the planet. >.>;; I've been trying to tell myself that I need to do what makes me happy and learn not to care what other people say about my choices, but when there's so much negativity around, how does one simply block it all out? o.o

For the past year and a half or so, I was in a relationship with this great guy. And by great guy, I don't just mean that he was some nice guy. I mean that he was the most amazing person - the type of person I would be LUCKY to marry someday and the kind of guy I could see raising my future kids.

Well, the point is, we had a great beginning, and then shit all started going wrong for us. Unfortunately, despite the amazing qualities he had, which I consider the important ones (honest, faithful, kind, compassionate, understanding, fun, etc.), he also had a few that wore more on my nerves every day (irresponsible, immature, annoying, etc.).

Suddenly, things that never mattered to me before, like financial security and being responsible and holding a decent job, were suddenly becoming qualities that I wished he possessed. Then again, with him living in my parent's apartment with me and me paying for everything for him with my shitty part time job, of course things changed. I'd never taken care of someone like that before... I was tired of feeling like he was my child and not my boyfriend.

Still... I feel like the most horrible person in the world for ending things with him. Even now, after a decent amount of time has passed and many sob sessions later, I still feel like shit. Especially knowing that he was seriously planning on proposing, and how involved we'd become in each other's lives...

Anger is the only thing keeping me from bursting into tears right now. And good music. Music helps. xD I'm so emotionally exhausted. And I'm just sick with myself for the things I've done. So no, I really don't need other people telling me how much of a fuck up I am. Trust me, I already know. >.>;

So now I've been seeing this other guy, but it's been complicated since day one. And to be honest, I'm sick of complication. Things with with my ex were so easy and came so naturally. We just started, and already I'm thinking that I should just end it. I don't know. I'm so dysfunctional... And my ex still being in the picture and constantly hitting on me now and trying to get back with me isn't helping any.

God, I fucking hate people. I just wish I could get away from everyone. I haven't been in one of these moods for a long time. I used to be so antisocial, and then suddenly, I was always out hanging out with friends and going on dates and... When the hell did I become such a social person?

Well, now I feel like reverting back to the antisocial me. At least for now. Things were so much easier when I was with my ex. It's like I'm just now noticing how much ending our relationship has kind of killed the me I was starting to get used to... I liked who I was with him. Yeah, I wasn't really going anywhere career-wise and I wasn't accomplishing the goals I really wanted to, but I liked myself as a PERSON for the first time in a long time. Now, I don't really like ANYTHING about me.

Ugh... WHY DOESN'T THIS VOLUME GO ANY HIGHER?!
Post A Comment

spud

09-25-12 5:42pm

a year and a half is a long time. after that long, it's going to come easier than anything else. and you still seem attached to him, and he's obviously still into you. so, maybe this can be the incentive he needs to get his shit together and grow up. or maybe he never will. but the door's not necessarily shut yet. just a wake up call for both parties involved.

complicated rebound guy sounds like a bad job, either way.

being angry, social, antisocial, happy, sad, etc. are all emotions that everyone experiences. best thing to do is strive for a good balance. none of them define who you are as a person, thus they cannot make you a 'bad' person. as long as you're just a person, doing the best they can with what they have, then you can't possibly be an awful human being. it's just the nature of peopledom.

you're gonna feel stuff. that doesn't change. the tricky part is stopping those feelings (largely based on the input of others) from dictating your behavior and perceived self-worth.

(reply to this)

squallet

Re: , 05-27-24 12:48pm

Hey there! It's been over a DECADE since you wrote this comment, and I'm not even sure if you ever still visit Woohu, but I just wanted to thank you for your input on behalf of my younger self :P

For funsies, here's a little update for ya:

Complicated rebound guy and I dated and lived together for just under two years, but he was definitely, as you put it, a bad job. He was unfaithful on several occasions, and really further wore down my self worth altogether. Looking back, I hate that I let him, but I also learned a lot.

As far as the ex I dated before him, he's still as wonderful of a person as ever, and I'm lucky enough to call him one of my absolute best friends, after we both had the time to heal and move on after closing the doors romantically for good :)

I hope you're doing well!

(reply to comment)

spud

Re: Re: , 05-27-24 8:45pm

Thanks for the incentive to log on, I should come back to woohu more often.

Considering where I was in 2012, I had no business dispensing relationship advice to anyone, but at least it seems like the advice I gave was relatively sound. I could have stood to listen to it myself over the subsequent couple of years, but hey. Turns out making mistakes isn't such a big deal as long as we learn from them.

I'm glad you have been able to maintain your friendship with the great guy. I've had a few exes who were wonderful people, but have never managed to transition back to the friend zone. Other exes were better left in the past. And at this point, I wonder how my fiancee would feel about me being super chummy with someone I used to date. I'd feel pretty weird if she was really close with one of her exes.

And she's absolutely amazing. Better than I ever could have picked for myself. The universe knew what it was doing when it paired us up, for sure. It's not always sunshine and rainbows, but even on the worst days, I'm grateful we get to do life together. Not everyone is so fortunate. We got invited to a wedding last summer and one of my old girlfriends was there. I was nervous, but they got along just fine. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made; under different circumstances, they could have easily been friends, they are not too dissimilar from each other. I suppose I have a type, lol.

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