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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 6-27-2013 at 3:05pm
Maybe I'm just imagining everything.. Maybe I'm not really depressed? The last two times I saw my doctor he asked me how my therapy was going. And I tell him I did one session and the counselor told me everything I was feeling was normal, and that everything I was going through was typical and she made me feel like there wasn't actually anything wrong, nothing to be fixed, my feelings are simply the product of my 25 year old mind and that things get better when I'm 50 and I have things figured out. And he seems deflated and makes a cringe and tells me that what I feel isn't normal. This time he recommended a different therapist, so I will contemplate seeing him.

I just don't know who to believe. I mean.. Maybe I'm just a sensitive person who happens to cry a lot and often feels that life is pointless and empty. That's pretty typical I guess? Some people I know feel those things too. So is it normal? Is this what normal feels like?

I'm very torn. Should I keep paying all this money to be on pills that might just be a placebo? And just put up with the annoying side effects of not being on the pills to save money? Should I try therapy again for the millionth time? Maybe this new doctor can fix me so I can have meaningful relationships again.

I have been single for almost 6 months now. And I have really been enjoying my time... But doubt and fear is starting to crawl into my mind. I'm starting to worry ill be alone forever, a spinster. Already I know my friends have outside lives, and sometimes itself like I any even talk with my friends anymore. Two in particular - Zoe and Samie. They both seem to have gone off a deep end and sometimes I just wish I could get away from them. Take a vacation from them and forget they exist for a while.

My sister gave me some good advice the other day.. To start sticking up for myself. She said when she started gaining most of her closest friends was at the time she started saying no and not being a door mat. I spend so much of my time, energy, and money on my friends, and a majority of them hardly ever reciprocate. I think I'm just so afraid of being alone and abandoned that I take what little love I can.

I'm hoping losing this weight will solve some of my problems.. My confidence, my chronic pain, my lethargy, some mood issues, maybe even help my sleep patterns. I just need to be dedicated. And that's the hardest part.
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goodbye

06-28-13 12:29am

:S I'm thinking about joining YMCA and a yoga studio. I know they're christains and everything... but maybe they won't bug us about it. I thought it was worth a shot. I felt so good when I exercised regularly.

I think parts of what you're feeling are normal. I think people our age are often lost and confused. But you've been feeling this way much longer. I think it's chemicals and I think it can be repaired. You're not permanently broken. You've just got to change a switch somewhere. And it takes forever. But I think it's worth it.

You should forget about them for a while. Maybe they just need some time to grow up. I think they're so stuck and comfortable in their own little worlds that they don't give a shit about others. At that age I often felt like the world revolved around me. It took me alot of distance from my old life to be that grown up.

I love you. You can do it. I believe in you!

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anonymoose

06-28-13 4:32am

Fun fact: I'd like you in bed.

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