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mle (profile) wrote,
on 3-9-2003 at 8:47am
Current mood: exhausted. blank.
Music: sum41 - the hell song
Subject:
small talk is cheap.
big talk is hard.

so we had a surprise 50th bday party for my mom last night. lots of people who havent seen me since i was little. and ive grown into a fat, short, little failure.
only 2 topics of discussion brought up: my hair (and how its definitely not blonde anymore- and no i dont know my natural hair color) and the trip to haiti (which i can never put into words anyways).
i hate small talk.

and ive been trying to talk to marcus again since wednesday. like, one-on-one. in person. and i had the chance to yesterday morning when i stopped by his house before work to drop off one of his sweatshirts.
i dont know though.. everything is so unsteady and back and forth (oh wait, thats just me and my damned feelings). like, tues night and wed, i had this *huge* desire to be like we used to.. really good friends and just.. be like we used to when we were innocent.
but then after he refused to see me on wed (even after i skipped way fun plans for him), i got ticked. and realized maybe i do need to end this completely.
friday, me and rikkay drove around, ditched my date w/ eric, and bud bought us a fifth. nothing to do, and i cant exactly drive around all night after a few shots, so we waited at marcus's for him to get home and chilled w/ him for like an hour or so.
big mistake
he didnt even hug me w/o me saying something.
i was *ticked* but i cant say that. i cant tell him what i feel... the hesitation i have. the thoughts that maybe im just forcing this whole thing on myself. i dont always want/love him. and i dont always love rikki. so why the hell do i put myself through this awful situation, where im only happy when he pays attention


i followed her home
i stood outside her bedroom window
standing over her, she begged me not to do
what i knew i had to do
cause im so in love with you
(good charlotte - my bloody valentine)
sometimes i want to live out that song... too bad its my best friend.

im sick of my life revolving around marcus.
but i dont think im strong enough to break free from the cycle.

*wake me up*
wake me up inside
*i cant wake up*
wake me up inside
*save me*
call my name
and save me from the dark...
save me from the nothing ive become
(evanescence - bring me to life)
kathay.. youve got me *addicted* to that song :)


*ahh!* so frustrated.
i cant put this into words... what i want/need.

friday night, marcus talked to me seriously for a little bit after rikki went to bed. about how everyone is happy when im happy. real happy. and how he loves me (as a friend) and everything.
but that cant be true.
theyre happy whenever theyre w/ each other, talking to each other, thinking about each other. i have no effect on their feelings. they dont care for me in the least anymore.
and maybe im just being a paranoid, skeptical lil bitch, but whenever marcus is happy to talk to me, or sad when i have to go, its hard for me to beleive... i dont beleive him. i feel like its fake and hes just doing it to make me feel better. he claims to have a totally honest relationship w/ me but...

i dont even have a totally honest relationship w/ him.

and im trying to change that. but he wont let me talk to him.

mle
Post A Comment

drunkslut

03-09-03 4:23pm

well, a couple of comments!

1. yeah for you actually paying attention to the lyrics of bloody valentine and realizing that its about MURDER!

2. youre welcome for getting you addicted to evanesence! GREAT song! (**burn my cd's!**)

(reply to this)
drunkslut

Re:, 03-09-03 4:26pm

oops...wrong button~continued from previous!

3. sorry i didnt talk to you/rikki on friday when you called my cell, sleep is wonderful

4. find something that makes you happy. and i dont mena somethin that "makes you happy" like you pretend or force yourself into it. thats bull shit. you are the only one completely responsible for your own happiness. so if your not happy, then dont bitch, bitching doesnt fix anythin, actions do.

if rikki doesnt make you happy all the time, then why do you insist on hangin out with her **all the time!?** if marcus doesnt do it, then get out of it, be done with him! move on! dwelling just makes you feel worse, so if you want to feel better dont dwell...party up! move on!

(not meant to be bitchy or inconsiderate. i am just tellin you from personal experience the only thing that will help you...YOU! no one else can)

(reply to comment)
mle

Re: Re:, 03-09-03 6:36pm

lol - me and rikkay assumed u were sleeping :)

and part of the reason me and rikki hang out all the time is cuz... i dont know why. because its easier to just assume and do the same thing than it is to go out of my way and get burned by a new group. i know thats a lame-ass excuse.
im actually trying to get away from her on break.. but now she wants to go and i cant tell her no, so we'll see.

and i totally understand what youre saying. and i really appreciate the fact that you have the balls to tell me to shut the fuck up and be myself. i forget that. and i know everything youre saying is so true...

i just gotta relearn how to live on my own.

*mle*

(reply to comment)

spud

03-09-03 8:58pm

hey. i don't know your situation.

but i don't really need to.

if you wanna have a deep conversation, i'm usually pretty easy.
to talk to, that is ;)

but i'm gonna get pretty busy soon. so i don't know what room i'm gonna have in my schedule.

but i still would like to get together again. whether talk is big or small, it could still be worthwhile.

(reply to this)
mle

Re:, 03-12-03 5:28pm


yea if u wanna get together, just let me know. ive basically got no life until spring break. idk whats going on after that. hoping to get a 2nd job. but we'll see. whatever.
you havent posted in forever. whats up w/ that?

mle

(reply to comment)

spud

Re: Re:, 03-12-03 9:54pm

i don't know. i'll probably be busy until spring break. and i still can't drive yet, so, i don't know.
no matter what, i'm sure it will have to be an unnecessarily drawn out, and organized event.

i haven't posted in a long time, because i haven't been on as much.

and when i was on, i didn't have the time.

i've had other concerns. but now i'm utilizing my free time on the computer once again, as opposed to my many other endeavors.

(reply to comment)