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mle (profile) wrote,
on 5-22-2002 at 4:25pm
Current mood: mellow
Music: avril lavinge - complicated
Subject: its been a while..

since i posted in here.. its been a little rough around the home w/ me and dad. especially now that brian's moved back in -- for 2 years! i was loving being just me and mommy. but then again, brian works 1-9 every day, and dad's outta town, so i dont see either of them until the weekend. we'll see how things are w/ dad this weekend...

i dont really know what to say. i have to go to lifegaurd training in a few minutes. sigh - love/hate relationship w/ that. like, im *so* releived its easier (physically - technically its hard) than i thought it was gonna be, but the ever-present issues in me are just that: ever present. so being around skinny, tall, blonde college girls (damn cookie cutters - lol kathy) does NOT help me! not to mention there are some cute guys..b ut i dont deserve them

idk whats goin on right now. majorly lost/confused/alone. i just kinda talked to kathy yesterday and today (in notes - we're so gay) but i havent talked to mark in almost 2 weeks. we're not fighting, its jsut ive been in need of support and he doesnt want to be it. no one does. so i (kinda) manage on my own. we'll see how it goes.. i gotta go though...

mle
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Anonymous

05-22-02 7:48pm

Hey! I am just wondering if you have talked to a parent or anything about everything you are going through yet? I mean it sounds like you hate always worrying about your body and stuff, so have you tried getting help? just wondering! God Bless!

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mle

Re:, 05-24-02 10:06pm

yes and no
i have been in counseling and on anti-depressants. and my parents do know about my bulimia and depression (actually i think i have bipolar or borderline personality disorder).
*however* they dont know its still occurring, nor do they know the desperate/drastic habits ive thrown myself into in the past month (starving, cutting, anti-social, slacking in school, etc). ive tried talking to people: friends, guidance counselors @ school, parents. but it doesnt seem to help, and no one realizes the seriousness of it.
and it seems as though the harder i try to self-medicate myself and change my thinking, the worse i become. i truly believe eating disorders arent diseases; theyre lifestyles. 40% of those who seek help will spend their whole lives recovering. (and of course, 20% will die)
but im living and thats what counts.
mle

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spud

05-23-02 9:37pm

anonymous sounded an awful lot like missy. hmm. anyway. as i've said, i would love to be somebodys shoulder to cry on. i just don't have time for you! just kidding. i really would love to do that. it might help me a bit. if there's a chance i'll get something out of it, then it's worth a shot. no. even if it wouldn't help me, i would still like to get together. i just need to know when you're available. it looks like i'm pretty open the weekend of the 1st, and the 7th. just let me know. i really would like to do this.

(reply to this)
Anonymous

05-24-02 11:19pm

Have you told an adult about your cutting, starving, anti-social, slacking in school, ect.? And this may sound dumb but do you want to get better? Like, do you want help to beat your eating disorder, depression, and personality disorder?Or are you happy with your life right now?

(reply to this)
mle

Re:, 05-25-02 9:25pm

good question.
im not happy like this. not at all. i would do anything to not be myself, actually.
but i dont really wanna change either, mostly because its hopeless. so im stuck in the middle, i guess.

right now, i just want everything to go away. i want to die. its not that ive never enjoyed life, its just that i cant get back to the way it was when i did enjoy it. therefore, that seems like the only solution to this problem - the only way to beat all of my faults.
mle

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