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| TaoMan1121 (profile) wrote, on 4-11-2003 at 2:33am | |
| Current mood: okay Music: Dashboard Confessional - Brillant Dance Subject: and the plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade... |
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| I look back and saw how things could have gone and I realize that I'm better off not going down that route. Not that I would have been able to travel that direction or that the trip would have lasted for any period of time. There are instances of regret that always linger, in more than just one area of my life, but as time goes by they become distant, like a painful fight with a parent or a pet dying. They are inconsequential in the present, but they make up who you are. And while they may be better and worse, respectively, some things never change, and I'm starting to become convinced that some facets of a person's character are so set it stone, it takes so much time to change them, present company included. This is all in my head, but then again it always was, so there's some comfort there. As empathic as I am, my life and my world, or at least how I view and approach it, is limited by what I will allow myself to see. And even though I may see something, that doesn't mean I will necessarily believe it. I'm so happy with you Stefanie; don't stop challenging me, don't stop being there for me. I look forward to what's in store for us, and what's beyond these godforsaken dorms. I've been so stressed out lately, with my self-imposed headaches, that I haven't stopped to realize how much I'm going to miss living with you guys. I'll write my goodbyes in a couple of weeks, but just to let you know now, I love you guys and I'll miss you over the summer. I think some things are never meant to be let go of, because its those memories and instances that make up who we are. Or maybe not, and maybe I don't like letting go of the past because I'm afraid I lose my identity and therefore I am destined to get lost in the future. I want to stand underneath the stars and breathe the night once again. Sometimes I wish my life was a television show, so I had an impartial and unbiased party that could come in and tell me if my feelings make sense, and not necessarily tell me how to think or act, but offer some objective observations on how I'm handing things. See my problem is that I like to divide my life in seperate stages, e.g. high school, Christa, Western, Stefanie, etc. I have trouble bridging the gaps between all of them, and when those worlds collide, and my brain starts to hurt. The only constants throughout have been my parents, Leeder, and Fras, and that's why I respond to them all so much, and that's why I'm so freakin' anxious to get back. So many fucking memories. It makes me feel so old. There are all there, swirling around, giving me an anerysum. I could write all night... I hate you. I love you. Hold me. Thrill me. Kiss me. Kill me. Fuck. Durp. When did my life turn into a song instead of a movie? |
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Leeder5421 | 04-11-03 11:57am Yeah, tell me about it......I cannot WAIT to get back home. |