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mle (profile) wrote,
on 6-2-2002 at 8:59pm
Current mood: anxious. sad.
Music: goo goo dolls
Subject: one week left

one week:
one full day,
two half days,
two three-hour days.

then school is over.

but then summer starts. and work. and shoot me now.

why do i put myself in all of these horrible situations where i *know* its gonna be torture and i *know* im just going to be hurt?
why would i want to lifeguard? why would i want to dance? to cheerlead? to be a gymnast?
why do i pick all the things i cant be, and try so hard to be something im not?
because i have no other options. i dont really like anything anymore. well, i do, i just cant do them. and im so hopeless right now. i just watched my dress rehearsal tape from earlier. shoot me in the face. it makes me realize how awful of a dancer i really am, especially in comparison to the damned company girls. i hate them all. why? jealousy. i know it, i admit it. i would do anything to be like them. but i cant, no matter how hard i try.

all i want is something i cant have.

and it makes me miserable. i really need to find something i really am good at, but ive done everything under the sun and havent found anything. softball, volleyball, piano, flute, guitar, soccer, cheer, gym, swim, dance, singing, acting, running, basketball, tennis. god, if you name it, 95% chance ive done it. seriously. but ive been rejected (or rejected myself) in every single one. and i have nothing left. i need something. anything. i have no confidence or anything. i have no reason to! there is *nothing* special about me.
im just me, and i hate me.

mle
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mle

06-02-02 9:13pm

wow, i sound *so* negative.
its so crazy how im totally optimistic sometimes, and totally pessimistic other times.
i wish i wasnt so down all the time.
mle

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spud

06-04-02 4:16pm

that's weird. it sucks at the other end too. i suppose i shouldn't be shocked. maybe i should exbound a bit.

you know how we're supposed to start prioritizing our lives, and have those stupid career evaluation studies? well, i'll take those, and it says i can do whatever. there's not too much that i feel very strongly about. i'm forced to fester and waffle, sitting in the middle of a decision. even simple stuff like hobbies. i can play soccer, or drums, or piano, or guitar, or hockey. then i'm supposed to study academically. hmm, let's see. engineering, mathematics, drawing/design, tactile manufacturing, english, literature, writing. the list goes on. then i'm supposed to work sleep eat and stay sane. while juggling a delicate social life. i have so many options that i don't have the capacity to hone them all. or decide what assets to refine. it's so overwhelming. and frustrating. but you've got it crappy too. just the opposite. i don't think mine is any better, but it's definitely not any worse. maybe it is a little better. but still very bothersome.

(reply to this)
mle

Re:, 06-04-02 9:21pm

yea.. thats how i was back in the day (lol not like im that old, but still).
dude, in grade school i had it all - i was just like u! but now its the opposite, and i honestly dont know what changed: my perspective? the competition? or is this all from one evil that hurts me: the whole depression/ed thing. who knows.
enjoy your variety of capabilities while they last! :)
mle

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