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mle (profile) wrote,
on 6-13-2002 at 12:48am
Current mood: dead
Music: papa roach - she loves me not
Subject: i love me not

yea - few minutes later, few hours later, same thing. laura and chris ended up surprising me and we went to catch a flick at the mall. i totally broke curfew, but mom didnt say anything (surprised as hell!)

i was doin alrite while i was w/ them, but now i feel pretty pooey. its the little things: laura's quirks annoying me, chris making me feel uncomfy, seeing a movie i didnt want to, not being called about west parties, mark not talking online or when i called him, mark ditching me (kinda).
little things rack up to big deals.
and those add to my massive issues already weighing down on me.

i wanted to talk to someone tonight. but mark was disregarding me and brad seemed distant. i think he had something else on his mind. mark is upset over something little w/ his car. but he doesnt really care that im having a semi-emergency every other minute. we are both very selfish people.

im not super-depressed, im not suicidal. hell, im not even crying. but ive got this crushing feeling caving in my chest. i just need to be held, to mean something to someone. to be appreciated and cared for. i need a guy.

ive felt especially shitty about myself lately. sure, i made cheerleading, but it doesnt even mean that much to me. it just means i have another bad situation dealing w/ my horrid body. i mean, how am i going to sit in a swim suit all day watching other people in swim suits have fun and be skinny?
i seriously want to quit. i dont think i can lifeguard w/ these thoughts flyin through my head while im working.

so yea.. i feel a compromise coming on again, in regards to guys, of course. i mean, i like keith sikkema. i really do - he's such an amazing guy and a total cutie. it still blows me away how pure he is (and that could always pose a possible problem) but still.. i would get w/ him in a heartbeat. but tonight laura was talking about him (and 2 other guys she wants and vice versa) and how keith was all like "we should date" and blah blah blah. and im thinkin to myself "laura, your lying and overexagerating has only been an annoyance until now, but now its pain" it sounds stupid, but it kills me. it makes me realize that keith is *extremely* picky when it comes to girls, and i will never be good enough. i will once again have to compromise my feelings for the guy, because he is *always* more important than me. no matter how much of a jerk or failure or nasty white-trash he could be, its all about him being happy and satisfied. not me. i just want/need a guy who wants me. thats how its always been, and thats how i get talked into all my relationships, including the little one-night flings ive had the past few years (also the 2 cheating-occurances while w/ mark) im a total pushover w/ guys.

i dont know where im going. im starting to get tired. and more down.

i feel like im not even living anymore.

mle
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drunkslut

06-14-02 1:31pm

what happened to the total up-i-ness of the summer rocks entry? where did all fo that go? i find it hard to believe that your attitude has changed so dramatically in such a small span of time~all though i, of all people, can completely UNDERSTAND it! im really worried about you and i really REALLY wish that you would come to me when you have problems! i feel so out of it! i have no idea whats goin on with you, and i feel like its been a choice of yours that youve wholeheartedly made...

(reply to this)
mle

Re:, 06-14-02 5:01pm

hey hunnay-
lol, my whole "
up-i-ness" can change in a matter of minutes. i mean, yea its been a pretty good start to the summer still, but not the *best*. ive always been a super-moody person, which im sure you've noticed. i mean, in school, it's a different mood every class.
i dont really know whats going on. pom and cheer and dance and lifeguarding have put a lot of pressure on me as far as physical appearances go. and i dont like that.

yea, we have been pretty distant the past couple months, ever since break. ive been w/ distant w/ mark too. i never knew i could make it on my own, but i pretty much am. which is awesome acheivement for my strength, but its a downfall in the social department. who knows.
and remember hun, i have no idea whats goin on w/ u and i care just as much as u do :) so we're both guilty.
love always
mle

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spud

06-14-02 6:48pm

hey. i think i figured part of it out. you're like sixteen, right? the stereotypical age for the hormonal imbalances and fluctuations necessary to make you completely zany. feeling up, down, left, right, diagonal, and inverted, all in a matter of minutes. you just let the extremes get you. i mean, everyones feelings change, but you're taking the full effect, and are on the ride of your life. oh. sorry. playing professor again. and who am i to talk? i can't even figure out what i feel like, before it's changed.

if only i could get a damn ride. i really want to get together with someone. and i'm not sure i feel like someone from school. this is the perfect opportunity, and my folks don't give a rat's ass. i'm pretty much useless when left to my own devices. but when you depend on others, you're also at their mercy. thus my current scenario. i haven't forgotten, i've just been busy getting shafted. i really should grow the kahones to use a telephone. someday. someday, i will. and the whole world won't care. but i'll accomplish more. that's gotta count for something. what could you do for rides? nah. i wouldn't ask you to drive up to cedar. sorry i said anything.

(reply to this)
mle

Re:, 06-15-02 12:10am

lol - i can get a ride up there (how long of a drive is it, anyways?) but.... what is there to do up there? thats the prob. ive never been there so as far as i know, theres nothing, but maybe you know of something - ? oh well.. whatever, ya know. im workin now, but i have sunday and thursday off, so those are primetime. let me know what ya think. :)
mle

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