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| silversoldier (profile) wrote, on 5-1-2003 at 9:40pm | |
| Current mood: lots of mixing... Music: Zanzibar- Bill Harley Subject: talk about yin-yangs... |
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| I went to see the infamous Bill Harley tonight.... yes, yes, a kid at heart I am. (whoa, yoda effects coming and going, they are!!) Yes, me and the girls went to see a concert of him tonight.... hehahaha... fun times... hmmm..... So the problem side of the story.... that doesn't have anything to do with Billy boy, but certainly brings me down a bit, is about Schylar.... Yes, we have it all worked out... but I told her I had/have love for her... Michelle believes that it's definitely there, that we should go out, but I don't know... I'm not sure that Schylar really wants to be mine.... but that's not the problem... I love her and I don't.... It's the whole fecking persona thing... I have a rep that sucks to have (always have to be mr. perfect).... It's not so much the kids at school I'm worried about, but the adults... Teachers have never seen me as a dark person... I just don't expose myself in that way to many people. I can only think Mrs. Nelson wouldn't think it too strange, because I've turned in a lot of deep essays to her.... And then, the teachers must talk to the parents... "Is everything alright?" And the parents must talk to me.... There're a lot of things I've kept secret from my parents because they're personal feelings, things that I don't want people to know. It's a naiive way of life, but it just feels better to hide what I think. This past summer I went through my serious change to accept that I'm two entities in the same body, but I don't want people to be trying to find things out. I guess I just got good at making barriers, cause nobody's really suspicious of anything that I do. And so, of course, being in love with Schylar is just another thing that makes me torn. I want to make her feel better, I want to see us both happy, but I just can't. This second entity that keeps me as a great student, great kid, "what every parent hopes for" is a huge set back. If I do anything, I'm going to have to explain far too much from what I'd wish to. Then there's all the psych help that I'll have to go through that I don't fecking need, just like no one else needs it in these situations. And the third problem is love. I've had a LOT of girlfriends. Seriously, I started going out with girls in kindergarten. My first "kiss" was with roxanne in fifth grade (yes, just pecks on the cheek and such), and I don't know if I felt anything or not. With stacey (my last g/f) I would go through long periods of not seeing her, not caring if she was there or not. But then we'd have a few days together, and I'd just want to stay with her, hold her, keep her with me. But I still don't know what love is. So for the past year, I've been cursing love for making me do such stupid things. Split in the middle. Whole on the outside. Whatever ties me together Should let me loose now. I can't afford another minute, Can't afford another chance To pass up my feelings. I can't stand here, Not with feelings of love, Hate, fear, comedy, indifference. So many opinions, so many bodies. I am here to be broken again. |
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Jessika | *tear*, 05-02-03 12:56am WoW, Nicko! i have sum things to say, but ull prolly disregard them all. I hope u will at least listen. ok, first, dont give a fuck wut everyone else thinks!If they hae a problem, then there not worth it. Second, dont worry bout how schylar feels. Take a risk and go forth. If she says no or sumtin, forget it and remember that friendship is sumtimes better than anything. Cherish her as a friend.and just by readin wut u have to say, i feel u no wut luv is. but most of all, who kares bout evryone else!this may be hard for u, but those who reelly DO kare will always be there.thats all that shood matter.peace out |
Anonymous | almost speechless here, 05-02-03 6:00pm Holly beegeebees Nick!!You must have no clue to how long ive wanted this(us)Nick,I really hope you just decide to go for it and ask me!!!(i might first!!)but please,try not to worry about other peoples opinions.I dont think the teachers will think anything but goood things because when I've talked to them before and when I had to have a parent teacher conference,they asked if we were together and when i said no,they all said they thought there was something and thought u'de be good for me,and good at helping me,and if u needed it,I would be good to.So as far as that goes,I dont think it matters much to them.Oh but Nick,I really do feel the same way,and yes I know Shelly let u read what I wrote,no worries I'm not mad at her for it,so you should already know how I feel,and Nick,I do know,that it is for real(teehee that rhymes)I do want so badly to be yours. |
| Anonymous | from schylar, 05-02-03 6:34pm "M+M's"
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Anonymous | Re: from schylar, 05-05-03 7:22pm god dAmnit nick u need to gt on the damn internet and yeah!!! |