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| daydream (profile) wrote, on 5-12-2003 at 12:45am | |
| Music: dashboard-living in your letters Subject: how is it that whatever emotions i'm feeling i can always find in song lyrics? |
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too much is on my mind. i need to vent. ready set go. i still haven't asked about going up to indy to see ray. i'm afraid i suppose. it can't be of the answer, i'm used to hearing no, and yes is the one i'm hoping for. so what then? what is so different about this time? i've asked a thousand times before...so why not just once more? i know what i would say, i know the routine like the back of my hand. so what the hell am i afraid of? what's with that expression, that back of your hand one i just used. who studies the back of their hand? why is it so commonly (sp?) used? whoever came up with that saying had way too much time on their hands...ouf, no pun intended. i've been staring at the same french question for about an hour now. a very simple one at that. i just can't comprehend anything. i'm so numb to all other feeling it's ridiculous. why am i so wide awake? this isn't normal. i slept on a hard wood floor last night for, at tops, 4 hours. lauren and lizz spent the night. lauren proceeded to grind her teeth the whole night, whereas lizz took up the whole couch. for being such a tiny person, she sure can hog some room. so i slept on the floor. with the dog. woke up, and made breakfast for mothers day and such. mrs. vlasak, and mrs. franey came over to eat with us as well. (lizz and lauren's moms') we made them breakfast, they told us we were " so sweet, and such nice girls." it was nice, actually. but then, we went to my aunt effie's house to see the family. i slept on the couch most of the time. maybe that's why i'm so awake, i had a power nap around 3...hmm... i want to see jarob again. i want another hug. i want to be held, and to think someone might actually want to be with me. i want to be liked. no, i want to be loved. i don't care by who anymore. i need this void to be filled. it's been too empty for too long and i'm sick of it. if anyone reads brodie's journal, he talks a lot about how he needs someone to say they love him and mean it. that's how i feel. i want someone to fold their arms around my weist and let me lean back on their chest. i want someone to call just to say their thinking of me. all these things i want. i need. i feel so selfish saying it. like this is the only thing i ever think about. i'm not a selfish person, i'm just sick of not feeling wanted. ahh god this song. it's college school days all over again. nathan and ariel singing at the variety show. correction, nathan singing, beautifully, ariel screeching, horribly. age six racer, if you know the song. i was so jelous. i wanted to be ariel so badly that day. nathan wanted her to sing with him. he wanted her. i soon figured out how "real" nathan was. he asked her because she's hot. simple as that. and ya know, now i'm glad she ruined it. serves him right. there goes the green eyed monster again. sigh, i still think of of him all too much. and why? i told him everything, my life, my thoughts. he knows more about me then anyone else living and breathing on this earth. and how unfortunate that is. but none the less, at a time, he was my best friend. and i do miss it. i can't lie about that. i just wish the reason wasn't because he simply wanted some. sarah tells me he really did like me. and i suppose that could be true. the way he would look at me with such intensity. and how intimidated i was by him. he used to hold me. his arms would always fold perfectly around my weist. how we used to sneak around in asp, trying to find a private place to talk, away from everyone else. and how meg and kate, and occasionally ariel would try and spy on us. hah, they always thought we went off to make out or something. no no. that never happened. we would always just talk, and i loved it. i wanted to be "his girl" so badly, it was almost sickening. and i've been told i almost was. but who knows how much truth is in that statement. at that time i was "chris's girl", which is a joke in itself...but i can't help but wonder what would have happened if we hadn't gotten together. would i have been nathan's? that's so stupid to thinka bout now. dwelling in the past and such. i've been doing it a lot lately tho. and i hate it. i hate this feeling of helplessness. it's so, harsh and tireing. nathan and i hardly talk anymore, so why am i thinking about this? i don't understand it. but it really does need to quit, because i'm sick of thinking of him. he's changed, and i'm pretty sure it's for the worst. whatever, i don't wanna care anymore. don't let me care, please? chris carrabba is a genuis. some people don't like him, i love him. no matter who you are, anyone can relate to ATLEAST one song. bottom line...mm, i'm pretty sure was a lowell saying if i ever heard one. i wonder how he is... exams are in two weeks. i can't fail any of them. i can't. this would mean i would have to go to summer school, which is NOT happening. not if i have anything to do with it. i have way too much planned for this summer. too many things to do. places to go. people to see. i can't wait to get out of ursuline...or hell, whichever you prefer. lizz gets her license in less then 2 months. that's the most exciting thing i've thought of all day. i still have homework to do. i have no desire to do any of it, but it's one of those you-really-do-have-to-things. i really need to talk to denise. i really need to talk to a lot of people actually. yikes. i'm running out of steam, and my fingers are getting tired. so, that's all for now...or something. "it's hard to explain how i am getting by on so little from you. it's hard to believe that i would let myself get so wrapped into you. there's gotta be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you. we need a connection, but you seem to push me far away from you...the harder i push the further i fall. well you don't mind me being headstrong. but you don't want to sing along, maybe it's trike but i can always, always be wrong." |
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beautifulbeast | 05-13-03 4:37pm you're not selfish. Everyone just wants to hear someone say to them that they love them, or need them, or want them. And everyone wants to be held. It goes back to when you were a child. It's just instinct. when you're scared or not feeling good you just want to be held. Don't worry, it's ok. I want the same thing. It's ok to dwell on the past too. Actually, I've been doing a lot of that too lately.... |
beautifulbeast | 05-13-03 4:39pm you're not selfish. Everyone just wants to hear someone say to them that they love them, or need them, or want them. And everyone wants to be held. It goes back to when you were a child. It's just instinct. when you're scared or not feeling good you just want to be held. Don't worry, it's ok. I want the same thing. It's ok to dwell on the past too. Actually, I've been doing a lot of that too lately.... |