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polishpimping (profile) wrote,
on 5-14-2003 at 12:23am
Current mood: Low
Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the bridge
Subject: The downward spiral

I fell the need to summarize my entire existence. So bear with me, or just skip it.

I’ve always been insecure. I’ve always had to go the extra mile to get friends. I was the really annoying kid who always tried to get people to like him. I would especially do stupid things in order for people to like me. I ate bugs, I would ask people to inflict pain on me, and just so people would like me. I had no self-confidence.

Flash to the 8th grade. Every one else had a girlfriend. I didn’t. I dated a bit. Mostly people who I get made fun of for dating, today.

Then in high school, I was hitting on a girl in Math class, completely for fun, she didn’t like me, and I didn’t have a chance with her. I was doing it so my best friend, who sat beside me (Dan), could get some chuckles at my expense. My friend made fun of me, and the teacher stood up for me.

“He only has to get the girl once.”

From that point on I hit on girls a lot. Not necessarily girls I like, just random girls. Girls I liked I was scared to talk to. The girls I liked made dates with me, and broke them the night before. I hated the girls I liked so much.

Back to subject, I hit on girls I didn’t really like all that much. One of those girls I didn’t like was Stacey. I got caught in a whirlwind of emotions, and ended up dating her. It was during this time that I got a little less insecure about myself. Girls started to actually like me. I wasn’t ever secure enough to dump Stacey, or even to force a break up at the time we decided we would (when she went to College).

Cut to a year ago. Still with Stacey. Still insecure. Then, Stacey dumps me. (I wish it went that easy) My confidence drops out from under me. I go into a deep depression, with terrible nightmares (I didn’t sleep good for a month). I went to the Honors Dance, and was reminded that there were other fish in the sea. I start fishing and get depressed with my luck. I hit rock bottom. I questioned my self worth, God, everything.

Melissa helped me out. I started to like her a lot. (I liked her a long time. I’m not sure if I liked her because I had to constantly defend her from Stacey’s forked tongue, or visa versa.) Anyway, she didn’t like me in return, at least not as much as I liked her. I can’t blame her. I was, and am completely insane. Her first impression of me was I was annoying, and I’m sure I just got worse over time. I could deal with that. I’ve liked girls who didn’t like me in return my whole life. No biggy.

But when she complains to me, about the guy she likes being an ass. I could not help but feel like saying “there are other options”. I repressed these feelings, and after a while I was a wreck from doing it. I was insecure before, but internally rationalizing that he (when he was an ass) was a better person than me pushed me over the edge. I was one huge ball of insecurity. I tried to gain security back, but everything I did pushed everyone away. I tried to get people to like me. I tried to hard. I pushed everyone away.

I’m still here. Still insecure, although a lot better. I’m still a ball of emotion. The only way I can get back to normal is to date again, but who would want to date someone like me?

The downward spiral continues.
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metelhed84

05-14-03 12:49am

moderation is the key, you have to calm down wit hthe hitting on process. Contrary to your teachers belief, it does nto have to work once, the other attempts bring only pain and misery. Play it cool and take it slow. Become friend/aquatainces first, THEN begin the process of asking her out. Make sure it will probably be a yes before doing it. If you downplay the hitting on chicks they will like you for you. Mike when you try to hit on people you don't come across as genuine, chicks dig genuineity (ummm is that a word?).

(reply to this)


polishpimping

Re:, 05-14-03 9:37am

I can't.
I can't be genuine.
The real me isn't the type of person any girl would want to be friends with.
The real me would scare more people away then my abrasive, not genuine, hitting on bull shit.
The real me sucks.


What I really need is a third option...

(reply to comment)

metelhed84

Re: Re:, 05-14-03 2:50pm

dude you think i am easy to get along with? i have just as many emotional issues as you do dude. I have one of the biggest inferiority complexes ever. i am NEVER positive about myself and be a very depressing person at times, just like you man. Unless the real you is a complete and total asshole which the cahnces of is about 0, (normally assholes are that way because of problems that they are coping with by attacking others). Girls will like it. Jsut be really nice to them, compliments all the time but not really excessive one (such as the frequent angel comparisons, a simple "You look great!" goes a long way. Girls want to feel special, so make them feel special. If you do that, they will look past minor personality flaws. The key is moderation. Compliments at the right time carry you forever, too many make you look desperate. You just need to be comfortable being yourself in front of people, it gets easier over time. =/

(reply to comment)


polishpimping

Re: Re: Re:, 05-14-03 6:39pm

BAH!

Okay, here's the deal!

Nobody wants to around someone who is depressed all the time. I am. I mean sure, if I'm around friends, I can forget about my insecurities long enough to have fun.

But therein lies the problem. I only have two people I hang out with now. Joe and Aaron.

Joe is Great, but he has bigger issues right now. Plus you know, Joe is not the type of guy to go pick up chicks with, if you know what I'm saying.

Aaron has a girlfriend, but that doesn't stop him from over shadowing me in everyway when anything with a skirt walks by.

The moral of the story is. Women is Bitches. Not really, but I'm not gonna fucking deal with them right now. At least not for the next 3 months.

I know the proper way to treat a lady. But putting my knowledge into action is hard. hitting on girls is my defense mechanism. I do it to take the focus off of my short commings, and to put the focus onto something I would much rather talk about. When I'm insecure I do it worse, of course.

The bottom line is, my defense mechanism makes me insecure, which makes me use it more.

That my friend is why I'm fucked.

I can't control it. I can only hope to contain it.

I'm through with girls.

(reply to comment)

metelhed84

Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-14-03 9:39pm

you just have to short circut the cycle, stop the thing that makes you insecure, and that is getting turned down by women. If you stop getting turned down all the time you will be less insecure. secondly, girls can like a depressed guy, i had a gilrfriend for a year for christsakes and i inferred from comments that i was not unliked by girls on the floor. there is hope for you yet, maybe you just need to learn self control. You know the problem, and i doubt that there is absolutely no way you can stop it.

(reply to comment)


polishpimping

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-14-03 11:19pm

Unlike you I was quite... unliked...

Anyway.

Now I know.
And knowing is half the battle.

(reply to comment)

metelhed84

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-14-03 11:22pm

everyone liked except one person, who did like you and then changed.

(reply to comment)


polishpimping

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-14-03 11:28pm

Whatever.

The point is that...

Dammit! I'm not depressed anymore!

(reply to comment)

metelhed84

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-15-03 11:35am

HAPPY MUSIC!!!!

(reply to comment)


polishpimping

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-15-03 12:40pm

Yeah I think Dashboard Confessional just fueled the fire

(not I listen to stricktly RHCP)

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