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| mle (profile) wrote, on 6-21-2002 at 9:16pm | |
| Current mood: cacophony of emotions, but jewel is calming me dow Music: jewel Subject: alike repel |
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| yea... more fighting w/ gerald. not a *ton*, but apparently he took it super-offensive. who knows. it all started over putting the dishes away. something that simple. sad, but hey, whatever. im grounded too. i really didnt care. at all. not even about tomorrow (b93 birthday bash). but then brad called me after dinner, making sure i was coming over to spend the night @ his house w/ everyone, and then headin to b-bash in the morning. of course, i had to explain to him, in front of the whole family, that i was grounded (\"long story\") and i couldnt go. its the last time id see chelsey and steffen and emily and all them until mid-august, because theyre leaving on sunday adn then ill be gone for over a month starting a week from monday. plus, i didnt see any of em this week because of work. i dont know whats going on. some of the things gerald said to me are really hitting hard, like about how hard it is to come home to a trashed home w/ a bitch-ass teenager and blah blah blah. and once again, he thinks im on drugs. he searched my room while i was at the library (after our fight). i was pissed, you shoulda seen me. he later asked if i was on drugs or drank today. im like \"no, i dont even remember the last time i drank\" (which is actually true... memorial day - ? ive kinda stopped actually, not really by choice -just because) but yea... so all this moodiness and total psychotic extremes flipping from pissed to depressed to hyper to hateful... yea those are all natural. "you scare the shit out of us" he told me. well i cant help that ive got a slight case of extreme-emotion. i inherited it form somehwere, either genetically or environmentally. "its normal to have raging hormones as a teenager" yea, normal, my ass. but every time i *know* exactly whats wrong w/ me, the doc\'s say im perfectly fine, or not bad enough to do something about it, so i say fuck them. sometimes, i think im completely fine - that everyone has problems and secrets and mine are no worse or different than everyone else's. but other times, i kinda wonder... is life always like this? for everyone? do they live through each day and experience every possible mood several times, without even having them be triggered? do they all live with the knowledge that they are at-risk for virtually every psychological and phsyiological disorder and disease and addiction? do they live in daily fear of a suicidal death, either by a friend or themself, or of an overdose death? do they have such unbearably painful love/hate relationships with every person they come in contact with? do they hate themself so much that they feel they dont deserve to eat, breathe, live? do they lock themself up in the house everyday/night simply out of fear of jealousy if they attempt to go out and "be normal"? do they stand around in the kitchen for hours while inner voices have an all-out battle over whether hating oneself is punishment by eating a lot or not eating at all? who knows. maybe im completely average. but that cant be true... i am a statistic. a minority. so few understand me. in fact, i dont know a single person in my life with the same ed/depression probs as me. but then again, its not like we broadcast them so who knows... mle |
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spud | 06-23-02 11:36pm you think you're special? unique? on the one hand there is no one person just like you, but there are many people with the same afflictions and problems. everyone has emotions and changes. like i said, you're just more extreme than most. but there are lots of people in your same situation. or similar at least. that's why they have stuff like AA, or counseling, self-help groups, religion, etc. i may not agree with all of them, but they work for people. just find what works for you. take it a day at a time. i am determined to get together with you sometime. i don't know what's going on this week. i think i'm free, except for wednesday. i really do want to get together.
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