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| mle (profile) wrote, on 6-23-2002 at 11:08pm | |
| Current mood: shitty Music: everclear - father of mine (special pop mix) Subject: and the war rages on... |
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more fighting. all over again. the yelling and crying is really starting to take a toll on me, but hey - its nothing that a disney movie and nap cant fix. its kinda disturbing in a way, though. i mean, me and gerald used to be boys. we'd go up to mr burger or the peppermill grill every saturday morning around 8am. we'd split one of those big breakfasts and share mr burger's kick-ass strawberry pie (our "fruit"). it was awesome. i have no idea where we went wrong. but suddenly, we hated each other. it just flopped and i got grounded every weekend and i in-turn learned the full feeling of hate, despise. i know what makes our relationship so bad though: *he is everything i dont want to be* but in reality, *i am him* once i came to the realization that i was turning into him, i rejected him and pushed him away. i dont want to be like him. i want nothing to do with him. but still.. it kills me to be such a bitch sometimes. i actually really did feel bad about it later today. he came in while i was watching the fox and the hound, and was like "you know, i cry every night for you. your mom and i are scared shitless about you, and we dont know what to do because you completely disreguard us. you dont have to say anything, but i love you" and i didnt say anything. i cry more than he does, so i have no sympathy for taht. but ya gotta give the man credit for putting up w/ my psychosis. my mom goes through worse, but she doesnt make a big deal outta it like he does. i feel bad for my future husband... guess what kath? i got caught again. its not even funny anymore! i had to *yell* at my dad for 20 minutes that *i dont have a problem with alcohol or drugs!* and then hes like "well youre all defensive, thats how your aunt julie was for years and years and look how she turned up" ok, so now im getting compared to his drunk-ass alcoholic, hepatitis c-infected, slutty, drop-out, no-hope-in-the-world 30-year-old sister who is broke down in georgia with some random guy again. please, im nothing like her. i do not have a problem. they found stuff from *months* ago. and plus, im pretty damned clean when it comes to drugs! i mean, ive had my share of painkillers and caffiene pills, but nothing major. today was not a good day. it was fine until i got in the van w/ gerald on the way home from work. downhill from there... i feel so sick. i realized today, that i really dont want to live. i mean, i dont want to die, but i dont want to live. gerald conveniently pointed out school and athletics and relationships and attitudes and how all of em are going downhill for me, like i didnt know it already. but hes right. im going nowhere, way too fast. and im caught up in a crowd of people i dont recognize. everyone is strangers now. i dont talk to anyone, and no one talks to me. i dont even know what im talking bout. im just typing. i act like shit dont phase me inside they drive me crazy my insecurities could eat me alive... sometimes i think im crazy, im crazy, oh so crazy why am i here? am i just wasting my time? (eminem - hallie's song) actually, my insecurities pretty much are eating me alive. too slow to kill me, too fast to live normally. you want what you cant have oo girl thats just too damn bad (eminem - superman) thats the truth... mle |
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spud | 06-24-02 12:02am yeah. comstock park is seeming closer and closer.
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| mle | Re:, 06-25-02 3:24pm wed and thurs im in "yearbook camp" lol. actually its a workshop, but i like to call it yrbk camp since ya know im missing out big-time w/o band camp.
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spud | Re: Re:, 06-25-02 9:24pm i'm not sure what's going on. i'm usually left in the dark about what is happening and when they need me. so, unless the folks say otherwise, friday sounds great.
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