YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT

:: 2005 13 November :: 11.46pm

everything always goes wrong.
i don't know why i ever expect anything different...

1 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 12 November :: 9.35am
:: Mood: . rock bottom .
:: Music: . relient k . when i go down .

. shh - i'm hiding .

wow. i am so fucked.

yesterday was a good day. not scholastically productive, but good. i drove around, taking care of errands, with the moonroof open, sun shining in, singing along (very loudly) to my mix cds, had lots of caffeine.. then i came home and found out i won a small study abroad scholarship from the honors college. awesome.

fuck.
i don't even know where to begin, kiddies.
i seriously want to just throw in the towel. it's pretty fucking obvious that i can't do anything right. i can't hold myself accountable to anything. i'm pretty much just a fucking waste of space, air, and way too much food.
it's at the point where i don't even know what to do with myself. like... i just want to lie in bed with the sheets over my head. not cry. not talk. nothing. just lie there, waiting for this life to take its course and be done.

even better: i just want to go home. the drive there would sober me up (because i'm currently drunk on depression.. ), and then i could cook my own food, clean my clothes, lock myself in my room, and look out the window. or cruise the backroads. wow i miss home. i always tell people i'm homesick.. but i'm not really homesick. i mean, i go home quite a bit, and i see my parents at least once a week...
i just miss the feeling of freedom.
when i'm here, i have to be perky any time i leave my room or have the door open. when i have the door shut, i feel like a bad mentor, like i'm hiding from the world (which i am).

why am i such a failure at life?
this isn't how it was supposed to work out.
all i want is to acheive something.. at this point, anything...

so let's review:
i'm bombing all of my classes
it's too late to reverse it
my room is trashed
work stresses me out
i'm broke
i'm stupid as fuck
i'm disgusting
i can't control myself
the guy i kinda like just screwed 2 girls at once
but i really don't like him. he just pays attention to me. and sleeps in my bed on occasion.
my big is too busy dating my friend
i'm a fat mess
i'm always too busy, yet never get anything done
i'm ugly
i hate 99% of my clothes
my parents stalk me
i am a bad, bad person.

1 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 11 November :: 12.45am
:: Mood: . perma-disappointed .
:: Music: . relient k . who i am hates who i've been .

. seriously .

you'd think i'd learn.
but no.

i'll tell you flat out-
the very thing i hate more than everything is
the way i'm powerless to dictate my own moods
. relient k . when i go down .

oh, and on a side note: i had a spiritual epiphany of sorts yesterday.
i think i'm a protestant.
which is quite possibly the scariest thought to ever enter my mind. but i'm going to investigate.. if i ever get time to think it through...

9 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 10 November :: 5.42pm
:: Mood: exhausted

People are so mean.

:: 2005 7 November :: 11.53pm

there are some nights when the conversation is forced and i know deep down inside of me that he won't ever love me. and it hurts like hell.

2 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 4 November :: 10.09pm
:: Mood: . homesick, unmotivated, lonely .
:: Music: . sarah mclachlan . adia .

. i'm so lame .

i hope marcus comes out sunday night.

i think about him every day.

10 FAVORITES
Favorite Color: pink
Favorite Food: tofu, in various forms
Favorite month: october - birthday, leaves change, halloween, not (usually) too burnt out in school... what more could a girl ask for?
Favorite Song: "this side you've never seen" by the december drive. and many others.
Favorite Movie: romeo + juliet, mean girls, mona lisa smile
Favorite Sport: i hate sports
Favorite Season: all of 'em - yay for michigan's 4 seasons!
Favorite Day Of the Week: class-free tuesdays
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: mint choc chip or moose tracks
Favorite Time of Day: mid-morning

9 CURRENTS
Current Mood: overall depressed
Current Taste: post-gum
Current Clothes: white state tshirt (from supporting my vball girls), black gauchos
Current Desktop Picture: one of my originals
Current Toenail Color: silvery light pink
Current Time: hey let's rub it in that i'm not going out on a friday night
Current Surroundings: standard location: lying in bed w/ mood lighting and a candle burning
Current Thoughts: classified information

8 FIRSTS
First Best Friend: barbara, in dewitt.
First Kiss: chris c, i think. in like 2nd grade.
First Screen Name: disco6chica
First Pet: gizmo, a mutt cat who thought he was a dog
First Piercing: ears, second grade
First Crush: cole. in dk.
First CD: no doubt - tragic kingdom 10th birthday from aunt barb
First Car: badass green taurus

7 LASTS
Last Cigarette: last saturday, but before then it'd been a while
Last Drink: beaner's fair trade rwanda coffee
Last Car Ride: drive to campus this morning
Last Kiss: EDIT: i forgot to change this from the person before... and now (11/29) i don't remember...
Last Movie Seen: romeo + juliet - my fave for falling asleep to
Last Phone Call: ry, my big
Last CD Played: relient k - mmhmm

6 HAVE YOU EVERS
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: yes. and it hurts twice as hard when it ends.
Have You Ever Broken the Law: and been caught? only driving stuff
Have You Ever Been Arrested: no sir
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: no
Have You Ever Been on TV: yea- bozo a couple times, local news, etc
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: yes sir

5 THINGS
Thing You're Wearing: ribbon necklace
Thing You've Done Today: walked campus
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: the girls down the hall watching saw
Thing You Can't Live Without: ipod
Thing You Do When You're Bored: sleep

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY
1. union
2. jenison fieldhouse (volleyball game)
3. urban outfitters
4. lafayette square for dinna

3 WISHES
1. to be loved/appreciated
2. to be happy with myself
3. more time

2 CHOICES
1. Black or White: black
2. Hot or Cold: cold

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: find the love of my life

:: 2005 3 November :: 12.01am

why is it always a disappointment? i need to get out of here. i need to get over him.

:: 2005 30 October :: 9.04pm

i feel like my life is an episode of sex and the city. its full of drama constantly. but i just don't see it ending quite as happily. i'm struggling with school trying to figure out what to do with my life. struggling with a boy who probably doesn't have any feelings for me at all. we act like teenagers, talking one minute and not the next. i don't know what i feel at this point, and i wish i did. it would make things a lot easier. all i know for sure is i want him as a friend at least. he's difficult and i can't decide if i'm turned on by the challenge or turned off by the effort i have to put forth. he won't let me in but he won't push me away. i've never been so confused. i just can't wait around, but i just can't help thinking in the back of my mind that he is the one. but one of these days i'm going to get the strength to tell him its now or never, and if its never, to actually say goodbye.

2 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 29 October :: 9.33pm
:: Mood: giggly

*dances on tippy-toes*

4 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 24 October :: 9.27pm
:: Music: Third Eye Blind - Blinded

So, I'm Dorothy.

Woo

9 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 13 October :: 7.30pm
:: Music: Led Zeppelin - Going to California

Awww...

Read more..

1 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 12 October :: 10.48am
:: Music: . dashboard confessional . saints and sailors .

. long time no whine .

well, on here at least.
i pretty much had a complete meltdown on sunday night... and again most of the day on monday. i had several conversations about it with several people, but just about all of them were family or reslife ppl. so they're pretty much required to help me.

i want to quit school.
and i know people would be pissed at me. because, giving myself at least a little credit, i'm smart enough to be in college. it would be a waste for me not to be. but... i'm not smart enough for it. seriously - i'm a failure at life. ken yells at me for saying that, but it's true. and i cannot say it enough.

but right now... instead of venting on here.. because ken just called and interrupted me.. i'm going to go scour the caf for vegan edibles. wish me luck.

3 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 9 October :: 10.30pm
:: Mood: Apathetic... (ahahah)
:: Music: Postal Service

How did you like Homecoming?

:: 2005 6 October :: 12.41am

a week ago i might have said this was going to be a pretty good birthday. my classes were going alright. i was going home and i was going to get to see andrew. well now everything has gone wrong. my classes are going terribly. i don't even want to go anymore. and andrew is too busy for me. this turned out to be a great birthday... i just want to cry.