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shannonw55
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2005 29 September :: 6.02pm
:: Mood: happy
Yaaaaaaaaay 2nd audition!
I feel better. Even if I didn't get a big part, or any part for that matter, I'll know I gave it pretty close to my best.
Hooray! That was fun.
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shannonw55
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2005 26 September :: 8.39pm
:: Music: Fleetwood Mac - Storms
As I promised, the Red Flannel Pageant Photos:
Read more..
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shannonw55
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2005 26 September :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Fleetwood Mac - Beautiful Child
Mm... Play tryouts soon...
My stomach is churning with excitement.
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shannonw55
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2005 24 September :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: horrified
:: Music: Fleetwood Mac - Dreams
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
I'll post the pictures later.
2 People Hate Dashboard |
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shannonw55
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2005 24 September :: 2.02pm
Arrg... She took my camera.
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mle
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2005 18 September :: 12.26am
i give up.
i'm so sick of trying to fill this void in my life with other people's attention and affection. and i'm just not getting enough. i can only handle so many negative balances before the whole system just implodes.
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shannonw55
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2005 17 September :: 9.07pm
:: Mood: relieved
My goodness... What a week.
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mle
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2005 15 September :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: . currently pretty good .
:: Music: . freshly-downloaded relient k .
last night, i was on mentor duty - so we do rounds a couple times a night. during one walk-through the building, i caught a really, disturbingly accurate quote on a doortag:
"the question is, do i force a confrontation or just continue being whiny and passive agressive until she realizes what a good catch i am?"
- seth cohan, the oc
bullseye. i couldn't have said the me-ken situation better than that. except, we've kinda had 2 confrontations, i guess. the first time this summer when i told him.. and he didn't really answer me. and the second time, when i spent the night last wknd.. and i know at some point i asked him wtf is going on w/ me and him. but i was drunk. and i don't really remember his response, other than i know it wasn't a straight answer.
*sigh*
i was going to say more. but screw it. my eyes hurt from the screen. more later, kiddies
Are You a Hater?
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shannonw55
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2005 13 September :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Postal Service
I...
Nevermind.
Where's my friend?
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mle
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2005 11 September :: 8.02pm
:: Mood: . content .
:: Music: . coldplay (thanks james for getting me addicted!) .
. i want to bottle this feeling up for later .
wow. cheese-fest, i know. i'm so ridiculous. i can't help it.
and idk what it was. the parents were driving through town, so we went to woody's (best god-damned middle eastern food in the world, btw) with lisa and eric. de-fricken-licious. i could eat spicy falafel every day for the rest of my life.
anyways.. when they dropped me back at the dorm, i just felt great. and i still do, like an hour later.
i just keep reliving those little snippets of friday night and saturday morning that make me smile.
forehead kisses from ken... tickling... pouting and scooching away when he "lies" to me, and him pulling me back in closer... "what are you thinking right now?"... his attempts at arabic... that creepy wolf poster on his wall... him sneaking his feet next to mine... impromptu back scratches... the magnetic nametag... "i like your hair like that"... moving just a tiny bit to interrupt his snoring... his freaking out that he snores... knowing that a night watching him sleep is far better than a night spent sleeping... tucking just a tiny bit of hair behind my ear... those honey-brown eyes so close-up that i can't see anything else.
our whole relationship is a thousand times more intimate than anything i've had since the early days of marcus/me, and about a hundred times more innocent.
i can't get enough of it.
and i know putting these in here seems silly and wasteful... but if they, even once, spur up these same feelings at another time when i'm feeling like poo... that's all i need for justification. i want to remember how it feels to be this way.
look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and everything you do
. coldplay . yellow .
it's kind of like how i very seriously considered getting back with marcus late this summer. i just kept thinking of all the great times we had together. the hilarious chemistry we have. the drives we've been on. naps w/ my face nuzzled into that sweet spot. dying our hair in calvin's community bathrooms from the same box. learning to drive a stick in holy spirit's parking lot. wiping out in front of a car while rollerblading. playing chef for him. after-school visits.
it's the best way to put it: the little snippets flow through my mind like a slideshow. a slideshow of happiness.
sorry. cut the cheese, i know.
but i can't help it.
it's invigorating.
i think about you all the time
but i don't need the same
. goo goo dolls . name .
i'm such a hopeless romantic. :)
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mle
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2005 11 September :: 3.44pm
:: Mood: . lazy .
:: Music: . 19 wheels . i want you here .
. hate the game AND the players .
i would just like to state that i am effing sick of reading about memorials and their impact on society and blah blah blah. stupid madison class.
anyways..
it's been an interesting weekend, to say the least.
thursday night, that one guy came over. the stalker. oh geez- what is his name?! jacob. and no, i'm not kidding - it took a full 3 minutes and a scan of my recent calls list to remember it. regardless, i don't plan to see him again. his gecko was about 10 times cooler than him. and, according to emily w's advice, it's better to have nothing at all then something mediocore.
friday night i went to a party over at ken and jesse's.. let's just say that before i even got there, i had already had some popov, merlot, champaigne, and coors light. upon arrival, i was given a complimentary house-glass and the keg beer started flowing. i was a mess.
ended up spending some time in nader's room (one of the roomies).
ken came home at some point in the night. i don't think i even said hi or really talked to him until some ungodly-early hour, when jesse and james finished off their grilled cheese and decided it was bedtime.
to be honest, i didn't think he was going to let me sleep in his room bc of the nader thing.
but he did. and we did the whole stay-up-late-talking thing. i don't remember a whole lot of it, which is about enough to make me swear off booze-then-ken for the rest of my life. i want to remember those moments. or, rather, hours.
and we cuddled.
and the only word i can manage is *smile*
and none of this half-assed cuddling that happened last weekend. this was like hard-core cuddling. like... we were both totally awake by like 9, and we just laid around till noon, knowing full well that neither of us was going to fall asleep again. no tv, no music (aside from the roomies playing the fight song pre-tailgate). just silence. or us talking. or his heartbeat.
and i wish i could stay in that moment for forever.
the ride back to the dorms sucked.
and on top of it, marcus is being ridiculous. idk what happened, but i thought we were totally cool. he seemed super-excited to hang out w/ me when i went home last weekend, but before the game, he was calling nonstop and yelling and hanging up and being demanding and outrageous. drama like what. all i wanted was to prolong my happiness...
so then i showered, ate a little brunch, and wandered over to the tennis courts to find jesse drunk all over again at tailgate. so we go to the game an hour early. i feel like i'm going to die, either from exhaustion/dehydration/overheating or from jesse's nonstop hitting-on-me, and leave right after kickoff for a nice little nap and rehydration. but when i left, he was like "hey, give me a kiss" so i gave him a kiss on the cheek. and he was like "no no, a real kiss" and i just laughed and left. but the way he said it... it made me think of when mark used to make little demands like that... and it really scared me.
he came back at halftime and crashed on my futon for a few hours, until we left to go out again. (i will discuss how much i hate days like this at a later time)
but he said some things to me that i haven't been able to shake. silly drunk jesse telling sober me the disgusting things that guys do/say/think. apparently, early friday night, him and nader made a little game plan - nader had dibs on me. WTF? i could not believe that the conversation had actually occurred, but jesse wouldn't lie about stuff like that.
and you gotta love his comments about how i've "already slept with half the apartment - james and i are just waiting for you to get around to us." wow. that's another slap-then-jaw-drops. although i've always had a crush on james...
oh, yea - and we discussed ken and me. a little. jesse basically told me that ken doesn't want a relationship right now (i know), and he's just being a guy. in jesse's words, "he's just like every other guy - sometimes you just gotta get your dick wet." WTF? x10. not only does that not seem like ken in the least, but ken's never gotten anything out of me. nothing. and i won't unless there's really something happening.
last night, apparently i didnt get the memo that you'd have to be wearing at least $500 worth of attire in order to get into this party, unlimited tanning-pass, blonde hair, and bloomfield-born highly recommended. except for the guys, of course. so i had ken pick me up after work so i could get my car. and i was still so pissed about what jesse said (ken doesn't know), that i just drove home and went to bed. after i'd had a few drinks. which is not like me. at all.
now i'm trying to figure out the best way to work this whole situation. ken and i have 2 separate relationships - professional (sfl) and other (friends, me wanting more). i will never do anything to mess with the former, but the latter... i'm considering taking out some effing games at this point.
por ejemplo: he rarely, if ever, calls me. not like i call him all the time, but i'm considering adapting the whole "i'm not calling him till he calls me" philosophy.
also on the possible-strategies list: ending these sleep-overs. if jesse's right, and ken's just being a guy (even if his goal is cuddling, not getting laid) then idk if i want to give in to his selfishness. it's the whole "if you're giving away ice cream, no one's going to want to buy the truck" philosophy. in a pg-rated context.
but then it's like.. who am i to speak? and who can turn down a good cuddle or a sleeping buddy? are these games really going to get me where i want to be, or just make matters worse? therein lies the true dilemma.
i wish i knew what to do.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 11 September :: 11.27am
i should have listened to everyone. i'm not the sorrority type. and now it hurts that i'm not good enough to be picked for any of them. i wish i never would have rushed.
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shannonw55
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2005 10 September :: 11.46am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Bright Eyes - Perfect Sonnet
Rawr. This is a waste of weekend.
Anybody wanna hang out?
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mle
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2005 9 September :: 3.54pm
:: Mood: . green with envy .
:: Music: (office space in spanish)
. it's about that time .
the time of day where i hate everything.
oh wait... that's more like 12+ hours of the day.
i'm sick of feeling this way. i effing hate wishing i were someone else, living someone else's life. but it's true. and it seems like the harder i push myself to just keep a positive attitude and keep my head up, the more fake i feel, which leads me to feel even worse about the whole situation.
every day.
i still think about it.
but the disgusting thing is... i don't want to end my life. i just don't want to be myself. if that makes any sense in the least.. it's like... life would be great - if i were someone else. at this point, almost anyone else..
i guess i could share a cute little story with you. bring a little warm-fuzzies your way.
the only night i was out here at state last weekend, i couldn't find anything to do. my friend jesse kept trying to get me to go to some house party, but i hate going places like that where i basically know no one. so i kept turning him down. well, he just happened to mention that ken (who just happens to be his roomie) was staying in and cleaning. so i call ken and invite myself over. it's funny, because ken thought that jesse was making everyone call him out of pity, but in this case, it was more of it "ken, will you hang out w/ me bc i'm a loser?". either way, it worked out well. especially when he turned off his phone and aim bc he didn't want to talk to anyone else.
and bc it was labor day weekend, i could stay out overnight w/o it counting against me, so i just crashed out there. we stayed up super-late, as expected with ken-emily nights. i adore talking w/ that kid. i mean, we flipped through some of his baby pictures and family pictures, and talked politics and futures and the group dynamics of sfl and megan and blah blah blah... i can't put it into words, but there's just something about having a real conversation with a real person who really cares.
i guess that's a good word for him - genuine.
and we semi-cuddled when we slept.. even though i barely slept, it was totally worth it. it felt so right. even if this goes nowhere (which is probably, unfortunately the case), just having him in my life in this manner is amazing.
fall in love all over again
i'm a lot like you, so please
hello - i'm here, i'm waiting
i think i'd be good for you
and you would be good for me
. weezer . el scorcho .
it was hilarious when jesse and the other roomies came home from that party, too. they all stripped down to their boxers, and jesse like pounced on me. just imagine a very-drunk, big burly yooper jumping on top of you in his boxers. hilarious, yet exceedingly scary.
oh, and ps - i got to be in a group w/ cute-boy from spanish today. made eye-contact and laughed when we realized we were totally off. stupid crazy-changing verbs. but yea - he's dreamy
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 8 September :: 4.47pm
its been a year, a whole year of no one to sit by in class, no one to eat dinner with, no one to study with. so i try to make some friends and everyone just puts me down. maybe they're right though. if they all see the same thing, i guess they have a point...
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