mle

i was a big girl today. spent a good 3 hours down at the health dept, all by myself. no one knows. that's the first time i've ever done any health/appt thing on my own, aside from driving myself to like 2 dentist appts and meeting my mom there.

it made me feel so dirty.

and it's all his fault.

this is the moment that you know
that you told him that you loved him
but you don't...
so when you ask "is something wrong?"
you're damned right there is
but we can't talk about it now
so one last touch and then we'll go
we'll pretend that it had something so much more
but it was vile
and it was cheap
and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
. death cab for cutie . tiny vessels .

i wish i could sum up that song into one word... just the sound of it, the feel of it... it's so regretful and final and detached and emotionless... driving around to all of my old get-away spots a few nights ago felt so good.. i can't put it into words. it just felt very calming, supporting. i wanted it to never end.

i went over to his house last weekend... for the first time since. all of the guys went to grab dinner. we were supposed to hang out in east town. instead, we sat on the scruffy loveseat on the porch, smoking.
he brought it up, not me.
he said he doesn't normally do that kind of thing (lie), and it happened because of the beer and me (lie)... but he didn't comment on the love professions and marriage proposals... he did catch on to my feelings of awkwardness.
the fact that i wanted to avoid him and the whole situation. he felt bad, thought i was mad at him all week.
so maybe i was. maybe i was mad at sex. the entire sexual section of the human being. the disgusting, revolting, dirty lust. caving in.
i tried to explain. he took the "well, i know.. but we can't take it back."
and i couldn't take it.
i left.

i could listen to that damned song for the rest of my life.

and it would still evoke that same overwhelming feeling of hopeless detachment.

the sensation of my heart sinking lower into my chest.



but what about ken?

i can't stop thinking about him... and how badly i just want to call him.. and curl up with him and watch some law and order. :)
but when we're together.. it's a little different.
i rethink every word, every action from when we're together. i scrutinize it. and rescrutinize it.
i don't think i say/act the way i really feel. i think up all these amazing things to say and do.. but it never happens when we're actually together.

god, i wish i could just come out and say it. and if he's interested, sweet. no more guessing. and i can go on my first real date.
if he's not, fine. my mind will be at ease. i'll fill my hours of lifeguarding considering other thoughts.

i just don't know what to do. i don't want to give up too early, i don't want to come on too strong, i don't want to make this year awkward....
mom and lisa fuel it by always bringing him up, too. but they keep reminding me that i should just let it take its natural course. the "he's not going anywhere" so "take your time" thought process. emily doesn't understand the concept of patience. i either want the assurance to continue or quit wasting my time pretending someone on this earth would want me.
we've already established that i'm not good enough for him... but beyond the ugly/fat/stupid things, i think i'm too bad for him. i mean, i know nothing of his sex life, but it seems like he's pretty chill, rarely drinks, has never smoked or anything like that. and then there's me. every time i point out that his sister and i are exceedingly similar (when i was a couple years younger and a lot more rebellious), he says "don't tell me that". well i can't help who i was.. but i can change who i am.
like i even know who that is anyways.

i just want peace of mind.
is that too much to ask?

for once in my life, i just want to be content. with myself, my past/present/future, my social life, my family....
is that too much to ask?

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