YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT

:: 2005 6 May :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: confused

if i do this i'm a whore.
if i don't i'm a tease.

:: 2005 6 May :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Dave Matthews Band - Crash

Today was such a good day.
I brought my guitar to school.
I got $1.99 from crazy ppl who threw money in my case while I was playing. lol I'd say that's pretty good.
It was so exciting. People actually asked me to play... :) eeee fun.
I wanna do that more often. That was great. Maybe like the last day of school.
So today was election day. I don't know if we won. We'll find out Monday.
I dunno. Today was just... randomly really good. yay

:: 2005 6 May :: 1.20am

i have never felt this awful in my life.

and it's not even like "oh, boo hoo. my life sucks tonight."

this is like... long term

like the end of me long term kind of deal.

like the realization that my plans (not even dreams) are here

and i'm down here

and nothing i do can ever change it

let's just face the god-awful truth: i am the scum of the earth. my fat/lazy cat has more going for her than i do.

i can't win
i cannot win

i cant even come in second-to-last

i'm the crippled horse that was in the lead, then suddenly realized it was running against non-cripped horses, and kept going, thinking it had a chance.
slowly, the others began to gain on it, and just as it was losing ground with the last one.. its legs collapsed underneath it and it died within 5 feet of the finish line.

:: 2005 5 May :: 7.17pm
:: Mood: . frustrated .
:: Music: . no doubt . dark blue .

. dipas, this is the second time you have let me down this week
i don't think we can be friends anymore .

the humor in that, by the way, is that dipas is my prof. well, a nickname for him at least. i hate profs who say they'll have a paper back on a certain day... then don't... and say 2 days later for sure... and then no email about it. GRRRR
so now i'm stuck because i need to be studying for my last (and, by far, hardest exam tomorrow) but i can't because he didn't tell me about my paper (which directly affects how/what i study), and my most reliable helper in that class is out to eat with our friends... for the past 2 hours. *screams while pulling out hair*

but at 9 i'm getting dinna with my love, richelle. then it's watching the oc that i taped. :) i love her. i cannot wait. but my studying will definitely not be done until the wee hours of the morning... grr again!

i seriously hate myself on days like these... gorgeous, free days like these. ones that make me want to cruise grand haven with friends. and then i remember i'm fat, ugly, and never do anything w/ anyone during the day. because i'm one of those ppl that you love to get calls from and party with, but never think of to call to just hang out or go shopping with.
blah. i hope gorgeous girls feel this bad about themselves at least occasionally. that would mean that there is at least *some* justice in the world.

regardless, there is no justice in the world.

and i'm so sick of marcus... and it's only my second day back in good ole GR. what am i going to do with that kid in italy for 12-fricken-days?!
*breathe*
i guess it just goes to show that we really aren't meant to be together.
which makes me feel a lot better about pursuing a certain someone...

ps my hair is red.
and by red i mean 90% of it is an awesome shade of chocolate-cherry... and my roots are neon pinkish-purplish-red. because i forget that my natural hair color is significantly lighter than my typical hair color. italy pictures will be some to remember - hahaha (departure in T minus 54 hours)
i need to stop my addiction to home-dying.

:: 2005 5 May :: 12.57am

journal entries are like so fucking incredible.
fuck fuck fuck
does that mean something?
like what am i going to do
hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha
and ok
i'm ok
8 more days
fuck fuck fuck
hahahahahahahaha
yep.

8 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 4 May :: 4.34pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Bright Eyes - It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends

Conor Oberst is exactly 10 years older than me.
How awesome is that?

:: 2005 4 May :: 3.15pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: "we looked like giants" death cab

"God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime..."
today was one of those days where you can walk around and you know its good to be alive. that smell was there. fresh air and the faintest scent of cigarette smoke. something about it makes me smile. maybe its just that its the last day of classes for the semester. maybe its that its almost summer and in a week i'll be heading home. maybe its that it finally feels right to be here. funny how things work like that. now that i feel at home here, its time to move on...

:: 2005 2 May :: 11.29pm
:: Mood: ehhh
:: Music: "out of reach" the get up kids

i forgot how good this was
so i decided while showering tonight that i'm just going to go for it. summer flings are just that. so why not? maybe it will be fun while it lasts.

:: 2005 1 May :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: . angry .
:: Music: . incubus . sick, sad world .

. well maybe if you'd fucking taken apart your computer so we could take down the loft, you wouldn't be missing your fucking power cord now .

i cannot wait to be home.
just the fact of not having to live with moronic teenage girls makes me itch for gr. and my parents' house secluded on the end of a deadend road without street lights or city water.. within city limits. across the street from an orchard.
just being away from here sounds ridiculously tempting. i'm hoping marcus's visit tonight will help.
i had a great weekend... well, there were definite good parts. like having a chat over econ w/ kelly.
i think nicole ruins it all. as soon as she came back from her weekend excursion this afternoon, i've been unable to do anything... and kelly's been using my bed to study in.

grr.

when sound asleep they'll find you at your most vulnerable...
scream loud, scream sayonara...
don't let them scare you
when you're down on the floor, bleeding bastard
you'll be getting home real soon
and i'll pray for you high health
don't let them scare you
. coheed and cambria . devil in jersey city .

as if i'm not feeling terrible enough.
school is driving me nuts. and it's not even jmc this time.. just the fact that i have put in twice the time and effort this semester.. for worse grades. i haven't even gone out w/ the girls in like a month... i've turned into a total hermit, spending my life between the library and the study lounge. i mean, what the hell? what am i doing wrong??

i feel like i've been asking that question a lot lately...
and no one ever answers me.

i don't even know what to do with myself.
i'm so upset with nowhere to go...

Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 30 April :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: the dull roar of baseball on tv

what?
so i'm down to 2 weeks. then i don't know what will happen. i hope its more than a summer fling, but i might be content with just that.

:: 2005 28 April :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: . frustrated .
:: Music: . the december drive . this side you've never seen .

. keep biting that tongue .

wow i love this song.
so much so, that it's been played a full 100 times more than any other song on my computer...
i know, i have an addictive personality

"just scream out loud - i gave more"

lately i've been learning the artform of keeping quiet.
sometimes it works.
but mostly, it just drives me nuts.

"in time i'll know enough to know better"

i am a big fool for ever thinking there was ever any chance with you. and now, i have to endure an entire year of working closely, getting to know all those little intimate details about you. drooling over every perfect part of you... yet knowing there will never be a chance.
and it kills me.

"just breathe"

in so many ways, i want to keep hoping...

"make your choice now, but don't let this fade"

slap in the face. i just spent the past 40 minutes assuring you that you're doing a good job with the group, and she's just playing mind tricks with you. the entire time i was wondering "why doesn't he suggest we get together to talk?" because you were talking to her. and she confessed she's got the biggest crush on you.. just like everyone else in the group and on the face of the earth, apparently...

"but i'll keep holding on. i'll keep breathing. it shows that i can"

and i just got done making a big present for her... because i'm that nice. and comforting you... because i'm that nice.

"don't have the words to say to you"

*heart breaks*

Are You a Hater?

2 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 28 April :: 5.03pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: Third Eye Blind - Thanks a Lot

Oh my Lord, what a jackass.
Now what I don't understand is why he would make up a lie I wasn't the one to break up with him. He really wants to be a macho man. You can completely ditch the idea of me wanting to be friends with him again. What an ass. He better be shelling out the apologies tomorrow, and I don't mean just to me. I can't believe he made me believe that girl was like that. I really don't think he has a resonable explaination at all. He just a big liar.
And I trust that you guys aren't gonna believe the crap that he's saying, right? That is seriously the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Why the hell is he still trying to hurt me?

:: 2005 27 April :: 9.39pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Third Eye Blind - God of Wine

Heh.. and I wrote:
"I hope we can still be friends and this isn't gonna be some "oh-crap-i-see-you-in-the-hallway-must-avert-eyes" kinda deal."

So much for that. Whatever.

Are You a Hater?

2 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2005 27 April :: 8.18pm
:: Mood: . in the middle .
:: Music: . 19 wheels . i want you here .

. everything's winding down... kind of .

tomorrow is the last day of classes for this semester. bout fricken time! but at the same time, i'm so not ready for my finals in 2 of my classes. it least i only have one a day, and it goes easy-hard-easy-(day off)-hard. i'm actually moving home next wednesday, and just driving back out to state for my friday exam. then saturday night i managed to sneak some floor tickets for the green day/my chemical romance show. kickass. i've been to very few big concerts, and green day was actually my first big one back when they came w/ blink. i've never been on the floor for a big one (well, goo goo dolls- but that was totally different). stoked as hell. marcus and i are going to camp-out all afternoon downtown, so please come visit us in line haha. then the next morning we leave for amsterdam/italy. go ahead, be jealous. :)

i just got out of my passdown dinner with the wonders hall staff. yup, not only am i officially the vp of students for life, but i'm also going to be a mentor (RA at other colleges). next year is going to be even crazier than this one, let me tell you...

i'm just wasting time until i have to dd for my sister and all of her student teacher friends, so i'm going to blabber some more :)

i'm going to focus on other silly, positive things. because i don't need to be thinking about all the bad crap right now.

like coming home
god damn, i can't wait.
i'm going to call up like every person in my phone book as soon as i get back from italy (only the best of the best will get my time next week). well, i mean as soon as i recover from the wisdom teeth.. so not until the end of may. but i'm stoked. i never thought i'd miss high school or the people in it. i couldn't have been more wrong. christmas break was a total blast, and i have good feelings about this summer too. work is making it complicated (if i have a job, that is...) but i don't even care. grand rapids, i fucking love you. i can't wait for coffee downtown, local bands, the beach, rollerblading on the ghetto trails, making my own food, planning my room for next year and all the fun stuff i'm going to do w/ my residents...
i don't think i shared with you all my goal for the summer:
become cultured
:) well, moreso than i am now. i'd say i'm pretty worldly, but i mean, i'm going high class. how, you ask?

become european

haha. just kidding. here's the game plan:
- continue addiction to cnn
- perfect my espresso-drink-making capabilities
- read newspaper/do the crossword daily
- regularly work on my photo skillz
- plant (and maintain!) my own garden
- go to a real yoga class (*not* my dvd!)
- visit museums and admire art
- search for some classical music to use for the background when studying
- tackle my mondo reading list (suggestions always welcome!)
- find some artsy wall dec's for my room
- check out middle-school books about other countries and read up
- make more of my own clothes/accesories (not w/ mommy's help!)
- design/make/paint a bedframe and/or coffee table for next year
- experiment w/ "around the world" vegan cookbooks (thai/indian food yay!)
- attempt to do some drawing/writing...
- brush up on the espanol and work in a little italian, french, thai- whatever
- see a ballet and/or opera (?)
- learn some classy ballroom dancing (swing, salsa, whatever)

also on the to-do list:
- get on a regular schedule of swim laps/run/rollerblade/dance
- clean out all my old clothes/random shit
- work my way to full-time vegan (so hard to give up cheese/chocolate!)
- ace my stats class
- regularly volunteer in preg resource center/head start/soup kitchen (at least until i start workin 40 hrs/wk)
- road trip to state i've never been to (marcus and i are discussing - but that means we'd have to get to kansas (closest state i haven't been to) and back in a weekend bc of class)

so yea. basically turn current emily into kickass emily. good plan, huh?
but we all know i always take on entirely too much shit, and i never have enough time to do any of it, even when i schedule my life down to the second (typically done during lectures :) haha). so we'll see..
in all honesty, if i get some reading, volunteering, photography, and cooking done... i should be all set. those are most important to me.

oh, and i really want a summer fling (no more of this long-term relationship or one night stand bs).. bc i've never really had one. i guess whenever i get into an acceptable shape, i should be hitting up the beach for hotties, right? hahaha

i am the biggest nerd on the face of the earth :)

:: 2005 25 April :: 10.08pm

I never put these things in my journal, but I will today.

01. who are you, what's our relationship:
02. how and where did we meet:
03. what's my middle name:
04. how long have you known me:
05. tell me one good thing about myself:
06. when you first saw me what was your impression:
07. my age:
08. birthday:
09. my favorite band at the moment:
10. color of eyes:
11. do i have any siblings:
12. have you ever had a crush on me:
13. what's one of my favorite things to do:
14. do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you:
15. describe me in 3 words:
16. name 5 things i love:
17. do you think i'm good looking:
18. how would you describe me to someone:
19. would you ever date me:
20. tell me one thing you've always wanted to say to me but never did:
21: what do you like most about me:
22: if we could spend a day together what would we do:
23: have we ever gotten in a fight:
24: do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years:
25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
26. What do you think my weakness is?
27. Do you think I'll get married?
28. What makes me happy?
29. What makes me sad?
30. What reminds you of me?
31. If you could give me anything what would it be?
32. When's the last time you saw me?
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
35. Are you going to put this on your xanga and see what I say about you?
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
39. Would you make a move on me?
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day?