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mle
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2004 5 August :: 12.48am
:: Mood: introverted
:: Music: seether and amy lee . broken
. a joyous post to refresh my lone reader .
this is making me crazy
these black clouds follow me...
i'll return to my shelter
and i'll crawl in a puddle
i'm losing my will for this
so over-emotional
papa roach . black clouds
except i can't just curl up in a ball in bed permanently, as much as i want to. i have to work. 40+ hours a week. stupid bitches. i have to put on a happy face and deal with the shit and 11-hour-sun-and-children-filled days.
i feel like shit.
in a nutshell, that is.
i try to go out and attempt to be social, do normal things.... makes me feel even worse about myself. i hate people. i wonder if they ever realize how much they make me hate myself. i want to pull out my hair.
those girls make me feel unworthy, intimidated. but wait, this is emily-fricken-casari we're talking about, here. this can't be. emily is so outgoing and giggly and open.
but there's a catch- i feel like two different people in one body. i'm not faking my outgoing-ness, nor my silent awkwardness. how does it work that i can feel uber-important and confident in select situations, and in others, i feel tiny as a gnat? if only my wings would work to fly me away from these thoughts, instead of only allowing me to hover annoyingly around rotten situations...
this party is old and uninviting
participants all in black and white...
if only the lights would dim a little
i'm weary of eyes upon my scars
incubus . here in my room
college should be interesting. 3 weeks exactly to move-in.
i am such a worthless failure wasting space and oxygen on this earth.
Are You a Hater?
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 2 August :: 4.16pm
love is not easy for me... and now i fear i have lost it. is there any way for me to get it back?
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 24 July :: 2.47am
'hey, how are you? i haven't talked to you in a while. what have you been up to? this may be a cheap way of doing things... i think it is.. but i just wanted to say that i like you and i liked when we used to hang out sometimes. so if you ever want to hang out, just as friends or however you want to take it, then let me know. because i think that would be cool. if you don't want to do that, that is alright. i guess i'll talk to you later.'
so what do you think? do i have the guts?
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 22 July :: 11.34pm
i'm sitting here alone on a thursday night. i only have 30 days until i leave for school. i want to go so badly and at the same time i know its going to kill me to go. i'm just listening to these songs and this one... it reminds me of him. well, they all sort of do. but this one especially. this was my song for him... "oh look now, there you go with hope again, but i'll be sure your secret's safe with me... oh you're so sure that i'll be leaving in the end, you're treating me like i'm already gone... but i'm not i will stay where you are always... I WILL STAY I WILL STAY I WILL STAY." but i don't know if i can stay... i don't know if you want me to. i need you to tell me something. because apparently my friends and yours too think we should be. so what do you think? why can't we talk? all i want is to see you. maybe tomorrow night. maybe someday i will have the courage to say something. something like i need you. don't give up on me. just because we will be apart doesn't mean we can't be together. again i guess i make no sense. i just need something other than mixed signals.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 22 July :: 1.37am
it sucks to be alone. it sucks to want something so bad but to know that you're so far away from it.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 21 July :: 1.21am
i hate how they get my hopes up.
i wish you liked me.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 19 July :: 12.55am
i am so lonely without you...
please stop talking about him... i don't want to hear it. and i don't want to hear how we should be together. i know i'm not a perfect person... i've made so many mistakes i don't even know where to begin... but please God, help me to stop making these mistakes and please help me to be happy.
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mle
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2004 18 July :: 10.12pm
just wanted to say hi. and i'm still alive.
this update brought to you by my oh-so-pretty brand-spanking-new mac powerbook g4. :)
Are You a Hater?
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 17 July :: 3.51am
i <3 you.... but if without me you are happy... then thats the way it has to be.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 15 July :: 2.41am
i don't think i have a chance with him... he is just too good for me...
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 12 July :: 12.00am
all i want to do is be your friend. i wish you would let me in. and i wish i had the strength to be who you want me to be. but i don't know how to do that. i wish we would speak... but it seems that we are from different worlds even though we are actually not that far away. i just want to see you. i just want to talk to you. i just want it to be us again. just us. just doing nothing all night long until we can barely keep our eyes open. i don't know what i did wrong. but i'm sorry. i'm sorry i messed up... and i'll never do it again... if you'll just let me be with you again. please... just let me be your friend. just let me be what you need me to be... just so long as i'm a part of you. i'll be happy if you are... but are you happy now?
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 9 July :: 1.41am
i thought tonight was going to be good... but i guess i was wrong. i just can't get him out of my head. and a night without him now is like torture. this needs to stop... i need him here... now.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 8 July :: 1.12am
i am stupid, that is why i am alone. why do i pass up chances. i just get so scared. what if he doesn't feel the same? then why should i even bother. i just want things to be easy. i just want to be with him.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 7 July :: 12.01am
everything everywhere reminds me of him... i feel as though i will never escape him. i don't know whether i am better off forgetting about him or trying to spend this little time i have left here with him... although i deem forgetting impossible. i love him. i don't know why and i don't really know how this came about, but i can't change it. all i want is him and he is the only one who can make things right. but... i have a wrong feeling about tonight. maybe something happened... or maybe i'm just insane... but i feel alone. no one called. no one cares. they probably went without me. my fear is that they saw someone and decided not to make me hurt. i hope that is not true. but then again... i do hope he is happy... and if it is not with me, then i suppose after some sad songs i will just have to deal with that. i just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. i've just never felt like this before. i just want to talk to him... to see him... to be with him always. but i don't know what to do. please help me... please.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 6 July :: 12.59am
i have fun.... but i wish i had something more like what they have. always together. always having fun.
i miss him... i wish he could be a part of this... but i just don't see it possible. i love him, but i don't know what to do about it. i don't know... i need help.
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