girlxunnoticd
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2003 23 October :: 10.21pm
everything is falling to shit. saturday coulda been awesome, but if i keep to my reasoning then it worked out right... but still. all i want is one dance... at least. and i could die happy.
but 4 days... i can't take it. and now leslie is fucked up. jayme is on my side but there is only so much she can do.
all i want is him. all i need is him. why can't i just have him?...
keep rockin & <3 always.
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shannonw55
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2003 23 October :: 3.37pm
:: Mood: better
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional-Carve Your Heart Out
Hmmmmmmmmmmm
Lately I've been making pretty much of my entries private. Which, when you think about it, is pretty stupid since no one looks at my journal but hey....
I think I've finally found a couple good qualities about this teacher thats been making me really mad lately. I know I sound like a real goodie goodie saying this but Ive been trying to find ways that I should just like that teacher instead because it makes things easier for the both of us.... and I dunno. Everybody has some quality that others dislike. Ive just have to accept my teacher's quality or maybe see that its me and not my teacher that is making things difficult... But I'm still too stubborn to say that. So I won't because I still think that he could try to listen. But whatever...
Tomorrow is Friday and its the weeeeeekeeeennnndd............. Everybody was talking about what they're doing this weekend and I join in and excitedly say, "I"M GONNA SLEEP! YAAY!" Which literally is exciting when i usually get up at 5. But hey. Id be pretty excited if I could just go somewhere this weekend. Maybe I'll..... Study..... PFFFTTT. Aww man boring weekend.
I actully got out of my bed at 5 this morning. I was so impressed with myself because I usually am unable to get myself out of bed untill I yell at myself 20 mins later. Ok maybe not 20 but still. And i still was a little late getting to the bus--since the driveway is incredibly long I walked down later.
That would be cool if I got an IM or something right now. Ive been on for a while and just now got on Woohu.
Some new guy had better move to our school soon because seriously I need some cute guy around or something. Guys here we know waaay too well.
do re mi re mi fa mi fa sol fa sol la sol la ti do ti do re do
do re mi re mi fa mi fa sol fa sol la sol la ti do ti do re do
do ti la ti la sol
arrggg I can't get the stupid thing right. I don't get it so n/m....
Quiz..
What time do you get up?: | 5 | How do you get to school?: | bus | If you knew you were dying tomorrow, who would you say your goodbyes to 1st: | hmmmm my Mommy | Easiest class?: | Language Arts | What month is your birthday?: | February | How old were you when you got your first kiss?: | it depends what you mean | How old were you when you started high school?: | haven't | Are you hooked on the internet?: | yes | Do you like going to school?: | nooooo | Are you a morning person?: | noooooooooo | When's the last time you had a b/f or g/f?: | begining of this year | Do you play any instruments?: | im gonna learn how to play the guitar and drums hopefully | If so, what?: | ^ | What's your favorite season?: | Summer | What's the name of your best friend?: | BreAnn | Rather be too hot or too cold?: | too cold | Cats or dogs?: | cats | How many blankets do you sleep with?: | 3 | What are your parents' names?: | Michael and Stacey | Do you have a crush?: | mmmm.. not really.... but kinda... i dunno | How long have you had a crush on this person?: | ummm if there is a person it would be the guy from beggining of this year | Do you practice a religion?: | yes | If you saw Brittney Spears somewhere, what would you do?: | I probably wouldn't believe it was her. Lookalike or something | If you saw Pres. Bush somewhere, what would you do?: | i.. don't... know.... | Do you have a secret you've never told anyone?: | many | Do you have a secret you've only told one or two people?: | yes | Who do you trust to keep your most important secrets?: | ummm not really anyone | Do you tell your parents everything?: | umm.. I tell my mom more than most kids would | Do you think your parents are nice people at heart?: | yeah | Do you have a relative that you really do not get along with?: | um nope |
[here] brought to you by BZOINK!
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 21 October :: 11.03pm
too much drama. 6 days... well actually 5. i don't know what to do and i still don't know what to say... i'm praying there is fate because if not i'm lost.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 18 October :: 8.31pm
so no one ended up going to the party. i'm relieved to say the least.
last night leslie and i drove around aimlessly for a while then met up with Jordan. Then he told us to go over to mike's so we did. drake, jake, jordan, and curt were the only people there. they were playing playstation and taking hits. even thought they were doing that it was still fun. i actually had a good time. hopefully tonight will be as good if not better.
<3 always and rock it.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 16 October :: 10.47pm
so about tomorrow night. its friday. my best friend is coming home from school. but my friend jayme asked me to go to a party w/ her in stl. one problem. leslie (my best friend) isn't invited. so i know the right thing to do is to just forget the party and go out w/ leslie... but... .... .... ugh, he is gonna be there... i know i'm just going to be hurting myself by going to this... i need to find a new boy... someone who is actually interested. damn me. i am so stupid. but i can't help it. with one mention of his name i am so there... and i think jaym knows this. i think she does. so i don't know what to do. i just don't know.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 15 October :: 10.53pm
so i lied. i can't stop thinking about him. this is so going to ruin my life. he's everything i need but exactly opposite of everything i think i want.
:: ways he's perfect :: - nice, sweet, tall, innocent, sexy, sincere, polite, cool...
:: ways he's not :: - he lives in the country and probly doesn't plan to move, he's an electric engineer w/o a job, he doesn't appreciate brand new, he's nearly 3 years older than me...
so the good obviously overrides the bad, but my aspirations of being a city girl, an architect, a bohemian, are all thrusted aside when i see him or even just his car and all i can think of is how i yearn to make him mine. hell, even his msn name makes me swoon. i'm crazy for him in every single way... i don't know what to do. i know i should tell him, but we're such friends now... i don't want to ruin one of the best friendships ever... before next year tho, and before i leave... i'll make sure he knows. and if its not meant to be, it won't be. but i hope it is.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 14 October :: 8.29pm
so i suppose i've decided to make a resolution and i suppose i will probably break it by this weekend, but i shall try it. from this point forward, i will not try to act like them, i'm not turning 21 in two weeks... i should enjoy my youth, not rush it forward. and even though the only thing that i could ever want is probably out of my grasp, maybe its not so bad. i just need to think that there is someone out there for me somewhere. someone who can appreciate brand new, and me! someone smart, and funny, and who i love just as much as he loves me, and more than i think i love someone right now. so thats it, i'm through trying to impress. from now on its me. nothing but the real me. and if they don't like it, they can fuck off. its all about the fun and the love and everything i believe in. and if that means losing the only thing i care about right now, then so be it... because i believe that everything happens for a reason, and if this isn't meant to be then theres no use hanging on it and wasting away my days worrying about what everyone thinks. so fuck everyone... if they don't like who i really am. and every time i see his car or him, i'll smile and wave because we're friends, nothing more... and if something happens to where we are, that would be the best thing ever... but if not, i'll move on. grow stronger. i'm through worrying and waiting... this is the new me... the way i should be.
alright, enough with the rambling, i'll probly be back later. <3 always, and rock it.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 13 October :: 11.18pm
i am more depressed right now than i have ever been. im not even going to sugar coat it with stupid words... i could die this moment.
i can't say why... well, actually... i can. i fucked up. lots of things this past weekend.
i failed in so many ways. i could have had the last dance... but i was too shy... i could have had the night of my life... but i was too drunk.
i'm tempted to tell him everything... it will probly ruin everything, but i can't stand being jealous and hopeful... and holding on...
"my only fear, my only hope.. is letting go...
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mle
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2003 11 October :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: angry crying
:: Music: drowning pool - tear away
. i . hate . you . all .
... with the fury of a thousand buring hells ...
yes i am so infuriated. fuck them. seriously. i hate every fucking person on this planet.
i hope you enjoy an eternity frying in fuckin hell. asap.
this is driving me insane. marcus's inability to argue just makes me crave an arguement 10x more. i cant get out my anger because he doesnt say anything to bring out what im feeling. he just shuts up. well fuck you.
and the stupid girls who dont invite me places. you shall die as well. what makes you even the slightest bit better than me? oh, thats right. youre "cool." whatever. i hate everything that you are. i have not even the slightest tolerance for any of you.
and the stupid boys who make me feel completely nonexistant, worthless. youre just as bad. go suck off some makeup off those girls and enjoy the fumes of their hairspray. stop being so fucking immature and self-serving.
i have never felt such anger toward every person i know. you have all failed me and therefore i shun you. get out of my life. i never wanted you here in the first place.
mle
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mle
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2003 11 October :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: throwing another little pouting fit at marcus
:: Music: broken sunday - lost in you
Three things that scare me: | 1: | failure | 2: | reality | 3: | stupid people | Three people who make me laugh: | 1: | m.lo | 2: | stuss | 3: | laura joyce | Three Things I love: | 1: | sleep | 2: | dreams | 3: | laugh-workouts | Three Things I hate: | 1: | myself | 2: | people i am jealous of | 3: | upper math/physical science | Three things I don't understand: | 1: | myself | 2: | pro choice people | 3: | other stupid people | Three things on my desk: | 1: | diet coke | 2: | cell | 3: | film canisters | Three things I'm doing right now: | 1: | being emo | 2: | ignoring marcus | 3: | enjoying diet coke | Three things I want to do before I die: | 1: | weigh less than 100lbs | 2: | develop my own film | 3: | get arrested for protesting war/abortion/other worthy cause | Three things I can do: | 1: | computer-y art stuff (html, photo editing, etc) | 2: | take charge | 3: | dance away my anger | Three ways to describe my personality: | 1: | perfectionist/passionate in everything i do | 2: | emo | 3: | humanitarian | Three things I can't do: | 1: | be satisfied | 2: | forgive my parents | 3: | most sports |
Three Things brought to you by BZOINK!
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mle
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2003 6 October :: 11.34pm
:: Mood: sick, exhausted, intimidated
:: Music: adema - giving in
. i . give . up .
. i . give . in .
i dont want to put up with this anymore. its only monday night and im exhausted out of my mind. im literally behind by months. im sick out of my mind but i cant call in to work bc i dont even have that option. i cant miss school because im so far behind. i cant sleep because im sick. i cant function because im sick.
i cant breathe because im sick.
i cant live because im me.
i dont know why i struggle with this so much... it seems i can never overcome this. im so ashamed.
why do i breathe?
even his arms tonight, for the brief time they held me, were not enough. i need peace.
and i cannot even begin to find even the smallest hint of it within reach.
"the stress has got me. im giving in ..."
mle
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plainmornings
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2003 6 October :: 2.12am
helllllllo!
guess whos sitting right behind me right now (done guessing?) :0)
heh he loves me :0)
thats all.... will be cross posting from LJ when my lazy ass gets up and does something.
oh yeah. i'm in Gainesville woooo!
<3<3<3
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 6 October :: 12.54am
"they say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm, but this aint the dakota, and the water's cold, won't have to fight for long..."
i love that song. i don't know why, but i do. i don't really have much to say. i can't remember if i posted last night... but it was officially the worst most boring night of my life. i feel really bad about not answering darren's page. even tho i called him back later. oh well, i like to think that everything happens for a reason, so if something like that ends our friendship then i suppose so be it. i don't want to talk about that right now. i am 18... 21 days until the end of my life.. i think. or maybe it could be the best thing ever... doubt it.
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mle
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2003 5 October :: 7.45pm
:: Mood: sick. tired. lonely.
:: Music: matchbox20 - busted (acoustic)
. how . id . love . to . see . that . face .
. how . id . love . to . feel . those . arms .
well. another weekend gone.
after weeks of no sleeping, i fell asleep at 5pm friday when i got home and definitely did not wake up until 2 11pm calls, then went back to bed by 1am and got up at 8 for work.
oh yea - thats 13 hours. rock on.
but after 2 napless days, im cashed again ...
i cant win the sleep struggle.
spent saturday evening with marcus and the fam. brian just came home from alaska, so lisa and her boyfriend came home for dinner and such. lisa and i dragged our respective boytoys to a few craft stores after dinner. too cute :) then wandered back to marcus's dorm and had a long convo about lots of different things.
that was very cool.
i love that child. and i respect him more than i can put into words.
it amazes me that he puts up w/ the little things.. like the 20-min ride back to his place - oh yea, i spent the entire drive in a single-sided convo about what pro-life means to me and the disturbing reality of abortion. i get so into it.
and then today i dragged him to my family bday party and then to life chain - a citywide pro-life event. we stood on various parts of 44th street (and near the alpine/3mi clinic) with signs. get honks and waves and thumbs up. pretty cool deal. its always hard for me to read him though. i know hes pro-life and such... but his shyness (that i didnt even know existed until he confessed a few months ago) makes it harder for him to get into things that i think he should/he wants to. like hes got a very respectable voice. and i know he loves music. no band because even though he was in st cecilia's choir for years, hes scared shitless of public. its so cute. or his wussness about getting his eyebrow pierced. makes me laugh. when i turn 18 next october, you can find me in the tattoo places over in east lansing shoving metal into my nostril cartilage, at the very least.
but thats how we compensate for each other. we balance out. except the jealousy. were both pretty bad at that.
and its only been 2.5 hrs since i dropped him off...
and the mere thought of not seeing him until tuesday at the earliest, friday at the most-likely...
and i miss him :(
i dont beleive that anybody feels the way i do about you now...
there are many things that i would like to say to you
but i dont know how
cause maybe youre gonna be the one that saves me
(oasis - wonderwall)
no ... i know youre going to be the one to save me ...
mle
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shannonw55
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2003 5 October :: 3.11pm
:: Music: Monica- So Gone
Feng Shui
That was kinda weird.... The sound on my computer was all screwed up. I went to homestarrunner and Strong Bad sounded like a girl. hehehe. So then I went and clicked on the song by Monica and she sounded like a chipmunk... Grr.. it made me mad. yeah. So I restarted my comp and now its better.... so im gonna run that computer de bugger thing that andy showed everyone. I'm trying to look up Feng Shui online right now. I want to re arrange my room but i don't know how. I always rearrange stuff in my room every month almost but I found a way i liked it so i haven't changed it in a while so I'm looking for something to make my room *peaceful*
hmmmm this is weird.. I found a site about it and its like all about a religion. ppffft. I thought it was just about rearranging my stupid funiture. You can go to a feng shui school........ thats messed up..
k found it. I think. and it includes cool colors to use for your room. ok *UPDATE*
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