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girlxunnoticd
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2006 4 January :: 12.10am
i never realized how hopeless this was until just this minute. of all the life goals one could have he said "to have a good job". that was it. no aspirations for marriage or family... just a good job. i knew right then i'd never have him. he was a lost cause, at least for me. and he'd been breaking my heart for the past two years with no signs of stopping. i needed to get out. but i couldn't. i was in love. totally completely in love with someone who probably didn't even believe in love. it was just my luck. every one of his friends had girlfriends... i was just his cheap fuck. i'd only met most of his friends once or twice. and he didn't invite me around them much. he didn't even make plans with me much. it was late night calls that kept us seeing each other. it was like a cheap affair except instead of a skanky hotel room it was the back seat of his car. i wanted so bad to tell him in this moment that this wasn't going to work. but i was too scared. i didn't want to lose him yet. i wasn't sure i could live without him at this point. so another night, another break in my heart.
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shannonw55
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2005 31 December :: 8.05pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: John Mayer - Daughters
It's gonna strike the new year, and we're all gonna die.
I don't wanna die.
New year's resolution: Stop being afraid of EVERYTHING!
I wish I was home. I miss you all. (In hotel...) Call me.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 30 December :: 11.47pm
i wish i was pretty. i wish i was smart. i wish i was good enough for andrew and his friends. not only as a cheap fuck, but as a girlfriend... something that i'll never be to him. everyone is invited to the new years party... except me. i haven't been good enough for him for the past 2 years, why would i be now? i'm stupid and with every day i just get more so. was it the xmas gift? he won't wear it... why did i bother? i tried to be nice but it just ended up looking like too much. he has everything he wants and i have everything i don't want and nothing that i do. so i guess thats it. i'll just take back the shirt and the shoes and the jewelry i was going to wear to try to impress him. i don't need those things. he just put another crack in my already shattered heart. but i should have seen it coming.
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shannonw55
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2005 27 December :: 7.09pm
:: Mood: giddy
Yay
Today I got to go to the mall and hang out with Ben. It made me happy. We're both all the way in another state and I got to see him. Woo hu it was cool. I miss everybody in Michigan. Like you, Andrea. I want to come back and hang out more. Just burn down all algebra and I'll be excited for school. I actually brought my book to Florida. Bleh... But yeah have a good new years. Don't do anything stupid...
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shannonw55
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2005 27 December :: 10.47am
:: Mood: bouncy
YAY MY SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED!
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 25 December :: 11.16pm
theres a box in the corner with his name on it. the only ungiven christmas gift at 11:09 central standard time on christmas day. i have my doubts now. there were times when i thought we were in love. but that was all a lie. i don't really know what i was thinking when i bought it. i knew i didn't mean a thing to him. if i was brave i'd pack a bag right now and never look back. i have nothing, i live for nothing. i loved him, i honestly did. more than anything i've ever loved before. i let myself care and he couldn't even call or send a simple e-mail to say merry christmas. and now i know he's not the one because someone who loved me would never make me cry myself to sleep on christmas. so merry christmas baby.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 22 December :: 12.09am
what did it mean, if anything? i need to know. maybe i am overanalyzing it. but there were so many things. i could spend all night with him and not even notice the time pass. i don't know what he wants or what he's thinking and i sort of wish i did. what did it mean when he held my hand? was it something sweet or just a way to move his hand to my leg. i'm confused. everything that had seemed simple is so complicated to me. i want to leave but i'm never going to be able to leave him. i'm in love with him and as much as i wish i could change that, i can't.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 20 December :: 9.55pm
i feel alone. moreso than i ever have before. and this is the hardest time of year.
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shannonw55
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2005 19 December :: 1.40pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: The Fray - How To Save a Life
Blocked
It makes me feel weak.
Walking away vs. running away
I still feel like I'm running.
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shannonw55
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2005 17 December :: 7.58pm
:: Mood: crazy
"I like to talk to her... Ya know... On the phone.. or on the face..."
tehe
Are You a Hater?
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shannonw55
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2005 15 December :: 4.49pm
You're pathetic.
I'm glad it raises your confidence to try to insult me on your journal.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 15 December :: 12.28am
:: Music: howie day
so i was going alone all content with the way things were... then it hit me like a ton of bricks. it sent chills through my body. i knew right at that moment that everything i thought was fine is completely and utterly fucked. i don't know why i thought i could get him an xmas gift and it would be just fine and happy. he told me not to and thats the response i'm going to get when i show up with it. i don't know what else i expected. i guess that he would give me something spectacular and confess that he really wanted to be with me. what kind of dream world have i been living in? i guess i needed to take this reality trip. so now i guess i should decide, should i take his gift back now and save myself the humiliation and yet another heart break when i discover that he really doesn't want it and he didn't get me anything just like he said he wouldn't... or should i give it to him and take my chances on his reaction. problem being i know his reaction already... i can play it in my head. i know its going to be bad. so why put myself through it you may ask. because i'm just that fucked up. i just need him to crush me down again for the millionth time. maybe some day i'll have had enough. but until then i'll just set myself up for another huge let down. why can't i just understand that he doesn't want to be with me? its not that difficult of a concept to grasp. i don't know why i can't just get a handle on it and get over it already.
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shannonw55
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2005 14 December :: 4.40pm
:: Music: John Mayer - Neon
And also!
Am I the only one who just learned today about the superstition with snowdays? I have heard from like 10 different people that they wear their pajamas backwards for a snowday, and I didn't even bring it up. Or did Ben start a BS rumor around the school just to play a joke on us? Oh, you silly kid.
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shannonw55
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2005 14 December :: 4.32pm
:: Mood: blah
The advanced drama skits were really frooting good today during seminar.
Just wanted to tell you guys that. yay
And again, tomorrow we figure out the theme for swirl, so if you have suggestions of any sort, GO FOR IT!
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