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shannonw55
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2005 13 December :: 6.34pm
Does anyone else have any other final suggestions for a Swirl theme for this year?
Are You a Hater?
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 10 December :: 3.08am
i don't know what to do. and i'm going to have to figure it out for myself because i don't deserve any help after the things i've said and done. i'm a cheap slut and i'm never going to find a meaningful relationship. if i died right now i woudl go straight to hell. there's no doubt in my mind about that. i wish i wasn't like this. i'm stupid and i'm going to pay for it dearly. i know that but i still keep doing it. i don't deserve him, that is why he is using me. i need to get out of here. i need something that i'm now never going to have...
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 9 December :: 1.05pm
well, the only positive thing i think i can say about this is that i know its over for sure now. i don't really want to see him ever again. i just wish i would have known this about 2 years ago. i really don't know what to do with myself. this is the worst possible time of the year to be alone.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 9 December :: 1.42am
things were really starting to look up for a day or two. why did i think he wanted more than a fling? he didn't want a g/f for as long as i've known him, why would that change suddenly now. it wouldn't. 1 day. i wish it would have lasted. but i know what he wants and its all he wants. its all my fault that things are so fucked up. he doesn't even want a damn xmas gift because he knows it doesn't mean a damn thing. he doesn't want to struggle to find something empty for me to cling to. i am so fucking stupid. how could i not see through this. well, this pretty much sums up how the year went. a lot of great expectations and a lot of huge let downs.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 7 December :: 1.15pm
wow, my relationship lasted only a day. i should have known better. i should have known that if he could break my heard without a relationship it would sure as hell be simple for him to break it in a relationship. so thats over. at least i was happy for a day.
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mle
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2005 6 December :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: . detached .
:: Music: . something corporate .
. calm after the storm .
i totally lost it today.
i'm talking full-fledged mental meltdown, kiddies.
and the funny thing is.. the only person who knew about it was my mom. sure, paul (my boss) noticed my red eyes and tried to get me to talk (but we left it at "personal things") when i went into the office to snag a file. but no one else. because i really don't have anyone.
i mean, sure i have people for like "oh no- i'm stressed about this paper - can we get coffee and chill for a few?" but no one for the "omg i can't live with myself anymore- it hurts to breathe." you know - the life or death, crucial moments.
it's really been hitting me that the central problem is that i'm just not happy. i can't do anything for me - nothing makes me happy-it's all just obligations. i mean, the frat is getting to be that way for me. sfl definitely is that way. hanging out w/ friends is mostly that way.. i'd rather just be napping and dancing and reading all curled up in a blanket in my favorite chair at home. those are the only things that really make me happy anymore. well, with the exception of butterflies.
but it's like... how do i make it so that i love living life, not just surviving it?
answer that, and i'll give you a cookie.
because you will have saved my life.
a lot's been going on... for being such a sloth (the past 4 days). i don't feel like getting into all of the details. sorry, kiddies. it's almost time for will and grace and fall asleep.
this is all too ironic:
-ken (mr i don't think i can have a gf anytime soon bc i'm going away all next year and i'm basically asexual at this point) has a girlfriend - a HORRIBLE, ugly version of me.. i'm talking identical to me except for her face and she likes country. and is a little less classy w/ her showing off drinkingness in facebook.
-mark (that's right - my bf from like 7-9th grade) is ENGAGED. to a girl that he, at one point, described as "had invested too much time in" to break it off when he stopped liking her and realized that she's a crazy bitch and no one likes her.
-lucass (mr "when you're done with school... come find me and we'll get married") is dating lizz... and they're bad influences on each other. and, approximately 2 minutes before i was filled in this info, she tried to get me to do a threesome with them.
-genesis (from home - always had a little crush... had a nice little cuddle party over thanksgiving break) is kind of seeing someone
-andrew (from home - always had a little crush... had a nice little chat over break) is kind of seeing someone
and worst of all (well, maybe except for ken)-
- the cute boy on my study abroad.. that i seemed to click with.. basically the only hope keeping me excited for the trip... oh yea- he's got a gf. and they went to the same high school - he grad in 03 and she did in 01, so they probably have been dating forever and are probably virtually married.
found out all of this within the course of a week. and i don't know how to process it all.
ugh.
i guess- i can't really complain. friday i'm going on a date with a guy who works in the dorm. i don't think i'm really into him in that way, but hey- it's my first real date and he's a nice guy. i'll fill you in on the details later.
but i'm still trying to work on rob and anthony. it kills me because i don't know how to get it across to them that i am into them, since we know each other on more work-related bases. plus- i like them for different reasons. and neither of them are nearly as hot as study-abroad-guy. rob and ken are pretty equal in looks... ken a little higher, and anthony a little lower. idk. i'm so ridiculous sometimes. it's like.. i scope out and think constantly about guys and trying to develop things for them and vice versa... but in reality, i don't think i could handle a real relationship right now. i'm just totally in the mood for flings.. like, a month or two or three. it's like my new thing - no titles, but lots of sleeping (cuddling) buddies, a little kissing, and lots of butterflies. when the butterflies are gone, so am i. it seems all i'm capable after loving someone so intensely, sincerely, and wholeheartedly like marcus (and then suffering through a year of crazy up-and-down afterward that made the love disappear).
who knows.
i'm taking it day by day, kiddos. i think that's the only way i'll have enough strength to breathe.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 4 December :: 1.02am
i had a blast tonight at semiformal with paul. i was worried that it would be awkward, and while it was at first, i'm really glad i went. he's a really sweet guy. its too bad he'd never be interested in me. oh well. maybe someday i will find someone who is.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 2 December :: 11.07pm
i guess i just feel like this is an affair, even though there are no significant others that could get hurt. we could still get hurt. at least i know i could. it needs to end. i know this and i need to make it happen. i just don't know how. i should have never started it in the first place. i've tried every way to get him to show some affection and he won't. its just never going to happen for us. we aren't meant to be together and this affair is just prolonging the seperation we are going to have to eventually endure. i can't force something out of nothing. i can't make him feel something he doesn't. its not me he wants, its just sex without committment. and its just killing me. it has to be over. i have to end it. i have to get over him regardless of how bad it hurts.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 1 December :: 10.16pm
i have options. they may be expensive options but they are options. i could spend a summer in chicago interning or spend a month in london. so why don't i? because i am stupid. straight up stupid. i don't know why i continue to be stupid. but i do. every single day. i wish things were easy. i wish we were together and then things wouldn't seem so bad. then i would know if he cared or not. but things are never easy for me.
well, when you're down just remember this phrase: "homo sexual indian"
i could have died. i <3 u E.
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mle
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2005 29 November :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: . rock bottom .
:: Music: . rufio . white lights .
. shouldn't i be writing a paper? .
yup.
oh, and add to the pile: ry can't come to the big-little dinner. because the firm that he's interning at next semester has a christmas party.
break
my
heart
i'm not kidding - i teared up a bit.
i think he failed me big time as a big...
idk. maybe this plays into the realization that i had about myself and commitments. aside from the fact that my heart is bigger than my free time, i think i just get sick of things. like i throw myself into anything/one new and exciting... then quickly it burns out and i'm stuck in a committment i really have no interest in or desire to put effort into.
like, seriously. story of my life.
what is my fucking deal?
the funny thing is... this falls victim to this trend more often than not- i start an entry, skip around a bit, then stop halfway though what i really wanted to say. this entry is a perfect example.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 27 November :: 11.32pm
i just found out for real that being in love makes you stupid and blind. his best friend said he could have me if he wanted me. i've made a fool of myself. i don't know what is wrong with me. i wish i never would have met him. he's made my last 2 years a living hell. he never cared about me. he used me because he knew he could. and i let it happen because i was so fucking stupid i didn't see through his bull shit. i made mistake after mistake hoping that he would want me. and he's not ever going to want me and i've just made myself into an idiot. i wish i could take back everything, but i can't. i'm just going to have to move on knowing that i gave him everything he wanted and he never gavea damn about me. it hurts. i won't lie about that, because i really did love him. but i have to move on. i can't live my life as his whore hoping someday he'll change the way he feels. its not going to happen, and now at least i can attemp to save whatever amount of dignity and respect i can for myself. which i know isn't much, but its all i have right now. its probably all i'm ever going to have. i'm just sorry i ever loved him.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 25 November :: 1.34am
a late night call and i wish i could help... but i'm afraid i'm just too fucked up to do anything to help anyone. all my good ideas just seem so stupid and worthless when i actually think about them. maybe that is my problem, maybe i think too much. or maybe i don't think at all. it will be 2 years the next time i come home. i've wasted 2 years hoping and praying that he would want me. but he doesn't, he just wants a cheap thrill. is it worth it? sometimes i think so. i just don't want to be alone. i'm happy when i'm with him and that is almost the only time. i wish he would understand. i can't live without him. its not even about the sex or a relationship, i just want to be near him. i wish i had the strength to tell him, but i am so terrified that he won't feel the same. i just don't know what to do. i thought maybe leaving could be the answer. but i don't want to go. i just want to stay entangled with him in that backseat forever where i feel nothing but his heart beat slowing down. i can't tell if he cares. i know he's scared, and i hope he feels something. i just don't know what he's thinking. but it feels like he cares when he wraps his arms around me. and i don't want that feeling to ever go away. i would give up everything i have in this entire world for time with him. he means everything to me and i don't know why. i love him. but i can't ever say that to him. i just have to pretend we are just friends.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 22 November :: 10.33pm
i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm never going to make it..
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 22 November :: 2.21am
i'm thinking california might be far enough to forget him.
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shannonw55
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2005 20 November :: 8.06pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: John Mayer - City Love
6
I found a new favorite song for the time being.
"I tell everyone
I smile just because
I've got a city love
I found it in Lydia
And I can't remember life before her name"
Anywho,
The play is over. I can't even express how much of a downer it is. I really hope I did my best. I hope I get the chance to do something like that again, cuz it was the coolest experience I've had in quite some time. It's just gonna be so strange to go to school tomorrow and not have play practice. I just feel like I wasted the experience and didn't make it as good as it could have been. I never had the time to make it perfect. But I guess it was as good as I could get it, eh?
I'm happy I got to be in it.
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