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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Alright" by: Pilot Speed.
And tonight I lack the strength to even move.
The information given to me last night about Adam and Aubri hurt then, but now it's starting to sink in more. I do have the friends that are telling me not to worry, because he doesn't even like her. No, he has no obligation to me what-so-ever. It's not necessarily him I'm mad at. It's Aubri. We've been "BFF's" since about 6 years ago, and she goes behind my back and fools around with the guy she knows I like. That's a shitty move right there. I would never do something like that to a person I was friends with. I think last night Adam could tell I knew. When I walked past him, he opened is mouth as if to say something to me, and almost reached out and grabbed my arm. I would scoot passed him like he wasn't even there. I would scan the crowded room and pretend I didn't see his face looking at me. I would talk amongst friends like he couldn't hear me. Not talking about him of course. But, just made it seem like "I'm busy, so, don't talk to me". I was relieved when he left finally. I felt like I could finally breathe, and maybe...feel how I really felt. I put on my happy face in front of him and everyone else, but really, it was a lie. I was not happy. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, furious, and strangely I was also numb. It was an act. Oh yes, those laughs, smiles, and shy looks were for you. Tried to be like nothing ever happened. Like I said, I'm not really mad at Adam, he has no strings to me. In fact, I don't think he even knew I liked him when it happened. But he does now. I'm upset with Aubri. And she's trying to say that if I want her to stop talking to him, she will. HaHa. What am I?... His girlfriend? No. Yeah, because that's not creepy and something a psycho jealous girl would do. I told her she could talk to him if she wants, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to try to control her actions. I don't want to control her actions. I just wish she wasn't so easy. Chase says I should talk to Adam, but, I have no idea what I would say. "Hey, what's up? Yeah, I like you, do you like me back?". HA! No. A part of me feels like I shouldn't even feel this way about the situation. Oh well. Can't help it.
The rest of the night at Chase's house was pretty good though. It was just me and Kayliegh in the house, until she went to bed. I got online and talked to my good friend Eric. Talked for a couple hours and then I hear a knock on the door. I went out and answered it and it was Brendon. YAY! My male friend that I can vent to, and he actually listens. So we just talked to his friends online, watched funny youtube stuff, watched SuperBad, ate, smoked, and talked the rest of the night. Until my tired ass passed the hell out.
So right now, there's beautiful snow on the roofs of homes and cars. That was the highlight of that night. The snow. It made me feel like something new and better could be starting. And right now, I will put on my mask of contentment, because let's face it, I have family to take care of. And I don't need them wondering what's wrong.
I'm done rambling now. Thanks for reading to those that did.
-Samm d'Massacre.
5 Stole It |
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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 3.40pm
:: Music: "I will love you" by: Fisher
music heals
Til my body is dust
til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you
But I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
And I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you
I will love you, love you....
I will love you, love you, love you...
Rip it Away
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acidtears
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2008 14 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Ah yes. Teenage Girls Dilemmas.
You haven't called in 2 days. You haven't come over for your usual lunch break hang out. So, I'm only hoping she didn't get inside your head.
Hoping she didn't twist and contort your thoughts on me. She's the kind of girl that lives, breathes, and even ingests drama.
"I can't believe you ditched him! He was hurt and disappointed and upset".....Yes, well, that stung a little bit I have to say. But after I talked to you and you assured me she was blowing smoke out of her ass, I felt a bit better. The burn was gone. I hate it when she says "Well, he didn't say that. But you could tell he was thinking it".
That was last month, but her drama just brings stress and irritability into my world. I don't need anymore of that. My days lately have been waking up early, getting the kids off to school, showering Ava, dressing Ava, getting Ava onto her bus, waking my mom up, getting Ava back off of the bus, watching Ava, cleaning, chores, sometimes I talk to my friends, go to bed, and start the same thing all over again. One reason I loved the movie "Dream Catcher". It brought me a saying for my life. S.S.D.D. Same Shit, Different Day. Love it. Live it.
It seems the only thing that excites me anymore is "Alright" by: Pilot Speed. Yes, sad to say, a song is the thing that excites me most. HaHa.
But, Mom, Doug, and Ava will probably be home soon. I should start on more laundry. Yes, that's me.... House wife in training. HaHa.
-Samm d'Massacre
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acidtears
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2008 12 November :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: amused
I HAVE MOVED!
I am now located at my new journal so my bff Samm d'Massacre can blog it up, Cedar style.
Give her a warm welcome, everyone!
Yeah, I'm done. Over and out, my dear.
So drive yourself insane tonight.
It's not that far away, and I
just filled up your tank earlier today.
[edit :: 3:46am]
Yeah I'm back, and I'm stronger than ever.
I love who I love.
I spend my time doing things I enjoy.
I 'waste my gas' driving around the places I like.
I laugh at things I find funny, offensive to you or not.
I hurt your feelings because I'm honest and I don't believe in sugarcoating anything.
Yes, sometimes I antagonize and push. I have my moods. So do you.
But! UNLIKE YOU, I'm carrying out my life in the aftermath of the decisions I made, not anyone else. My morals were chiseled in me from tried-and-learned experiences in my actual life, not handed down to me from my grandparents' bible.
Fuck you for almost making me believe I was less of a person for it.
Does it really matter what kind of vodka I drink - or that I drink at all? No. And yeah, I smoke, so fucking what? At least I can sleep in the bed I've made for myself, wake up every morning and be content with the life that greets me.
My parents don't love me based on what I choose to show them and what I keep hidden away under my bed so's not to 'disappoint.' No, my dad knows about my (gasp!) premarital sex and pregnancies. My mom can come sit on the porch with me and talk about our days over a cigarette. My grandparents have seen every tattoo on my body, and my little sisters aren't surprised at anything I say.
I don't keep secrets and my honest thoughts are the first in my mouth and through my barely-parted lips.
My family and (true) friends love me not because I'm perfect, but because I'm real.
At first I was going to abstain from all social websites, but decided to keep my woohu and facebook. However, MySpace, Trig, ModelMayhem, etc - are all dead and ground into the dust.
So the bitches with the drama can get a new hobby, because I'm perfectly content to manage my life without he-said-she-said.
Thanks.
* ps, I apologize if this lacks my usual prowess with words and prose. I'm better but STILL (a bit) bitter and so am ranting with my fingertips. Who the hell am I kidding? You guys understand ;]
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cowsgomoo!!!
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2008 14 May :: 5.47pm
Well, almost a full year has come and gone since my last Woohu post, so I figure it's about time for a new one. Alot's changed in a year, which I suppose is just the natural course of things. Well, that's about all the detail I'm going to go in...
This has been another update brought to you by me
6 Stole It |
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Woohu.com | Random Journal
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