j e s s i c a

:: 2011 31 October :: 9.25 pm

i only have one person who truly truly understands. i appreciate her and respect her so much for that. especially because she never went through it herself so to understand how i feel is a huge deal. of course shes familiar with the feeling of trying and waiting etc but to actually be told its going to be hard for it happen. that theres a possibility it wont ever happen. thats tough to understand. to that person, you know who you are i hope and just know how much i appreciate it.

i hate so much the feeling where you have something that upsets you so much but you feel like its wrong for you to get sad or be mopey because someone of course has it worse than you do. but then on the other hand i dont want to walk around being miss positive when things aren't positive. i hate going to work every day and pretending like i'm caring about the papers i'm filling out, the patients i talk to, the work i'm doing. i dont care. my mind has been focused on one thing and one thing alone for so many months. i feel so selfish and so self asorbed on one hand and then on the other hand i feel like i have a total right to feel this way.

i have always felt i have one sole purpose on this earth. for that to have become something that might never happen for me is just unthinkable. so upsetting. i hate feeling this way but i can't help it. I can't help thinking that if it doesn't happen for me, i wont ever be complete. i dont even have the option of that "out" that most people have. because the person i'm goign tobe with every day for the rest of my life doesn't see that as an option. and thats not what i wanted anyway but at least i could keep that in the back of my mind as an option if no other way is possible. if it doesn't happen i wont be able to just keep going to work i wont be able to keep participating in life like i might get what i want one day. i wont. this isn't how it was supposed to happen.

i know what i was made for.

God, you know what I was made for too. Why wont you allow it? It scares me so bad. I'm so bitter towards everyone I meet or hear about who has what I don't have. It hurts every time I see how great we would be. It hurts when we act so silly together and then look at each other and say "can you imagine what it will be like when....." to think that there may never be that "when" it hurts so much. I hate the feeling that I can hardly cry about it anymore. Its like its not real. Its like I'm seriously just on a moving sidewalk not actually living my life but just rolling on along... watching everything. Of course I have moments that I enjoy with friends and my loved ones. obviously. but i can never escape the feeling of sadness I have about the thing that clouds my mind 100% of the time. Medicated so i'll feel better on a day to day basis but it just makes things feel unreal. Because I can't feel sadness like I did. Its good but bad all in one.

I dont want to be jealous anymore. I dont want to be bitter anymore. but most of all i dont want to be missing this important thing in my life anymore.

i'm so scared to inject crazy chemicals into my body. all the changes or side effects it can cause. weight gain, nausea , insomnia, loss or damage of an organ. potential death. pain. the stress its going to put on my marriage and friendships. and the insane cost. the cost we can't afford whatsoever. but i can't even say i care because its nothing compared to what i want. it will make the pain so much harder to ignore. i'm so sick of taking medications . i'm so sick of appointments. insurance company calls. a surgery. prayers. what more can i put into this. i really truly don't know. i've tried praying to God every day several times a day, i've tried saying fuck it and screw you God you don't want to give me the thing I've wanted most in my life since I was literally 2 years old. anyone who knows me would know what I want more than anything. You know that when I was 4, when I was 11, when I was 14...what did i love? what did i want? did i want a fancy career? a big degree? money? fuck no. you know what i want.

but to reiterate- thank you again to my friend who understands,listens, is so supportive and always says the right thing.
also thank you to the other people in my life who care as well. please know i appreciate more than i could ever tell you.

:: 2011 31 October :: 7.35 pm

who would have thought i would have to do what i'm about to do? its so not fair. if it doesn't work i wont be able to keep this stupid positive attitude anymore.............. but yet i wont be able to stop trying........................super.

:: 2011 2 June :: 10.09 pm
:: Mood: hateful
:: Music: fuck you

fuck you
i need to find some people who have more in common with me

you know..........

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck and fuck.
asldfkjads;flkajsgflaskjg;alkjgas;lkgjaslk;gjas;lgkasng;laskdnga;lgkja;kgjads
gadjg
adkgjas;lgkjag
kbjfs
bkfdlkdnfbs
dlknbs
dfbklnsd
bklnsdfbl
ksdnb
lskdbns
ldkbns
dlfkbns
ldkbns
dlfkbns
dlbkns
blknbfk fuck everything/

and also i hate you you're a bitch and fuck you. selfish bitch.

:: 2011 23 May :: 10.59 pm

having surgery on wednesday. hoping it is for good reason.

:: 2011 4 February :: 11.30 pm

I feel lost like theres no real fit for me completely. My whole plan I've had my entire life may never pan out and so I'm just living day by day wondering if my life plan will ever come true.

I was so sure my whole life that I never once questioned it. Now who knows.

I also feel taken advantage of and under appreciated.

And maybe related, maybe not, I've been so paranoid lately it's unbearable. Especially when driving,i feel like I'm going to get in an accident at least once a minute. If someones following too close or hits the brakes too suddenly my whole body tenses up. Car wrecks play in my head the whole drive and I pull on my seat belt to tighten it throughout the drive. At night i feel like someone is in my back seat, which I've always checked for but usually just once, at the beginning of the drive, not 4 times throughout, turning on the light to check and even feeling like I feel someone breathing on my neck from the back seat.
I'm having a harder and harder time getting up during the night to pee or let the dogs out without being power petrified that my nightmare about the man behind my shower curtain trying to kill me isn't real. I can't open the curtain to check bc I'm so sure hes there.
These new developments on top of the always present anxiety and stomach upset every morning before work thats been going on for 8 months makes my life a lotta fun right now.

:: 2010 2 September :: 12.12 pm

I really can't do this.

:: 2010 21 July :: 11.20 pm

How long do u live your life "playing by the rules" and "doing things the right way" even if u hate it more than anyything before u actually go out and do what u really want to do and get the things out of life that are actually importnat to you? I don't want to play it safe anymore.I can't live like this-i need help but there is no where to get help- admitting failure .... I wish I could start over again and focus on what I was made for. I wish I could understand why I am like thuis and I wish I could know the right things to do. I just feel like there really are no solutions and I hate it

:: 2010 11 May :: 10.05 pm

i need glasses. gr. i just cant afford them. its bugging me.

:: 2010 15 April :: 9.56 pm

I wish I could vent and write about all my problems
like I used on woohu-but I've changed a lot since like age 15 when I first started using this and the difference is I actually care about keeping my personal life private. Sucks when you need an outlet though.

Su

:: 2010 13 April :: 8.19 pm

does anyone know if i am on my computer and it just starts randomly doing stuff like my mouse moves on its own and/or my internet page i'm on goes "back" to another page or windows move around ..random stuff like that..

is it because i have a virus or something and if so what can i do?

3 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 28 March :: 10.12 pm

I'm jusr fettunng drunk wirg mt husband it isbt no crime hehehhhhhhheeeehheehehehe

:: 2010 2 March :: 4.00 pm

If you say "fair-i,ix" or "pacifically" onnnnne mooore timmme. Ugh

3 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 2 March :: 3.54 pm

Oh my goodness I wish my teacher could fricken pronounce words like 'pharynx' and 'specifically' and that this school didn't suck so much.

:: 2009 7 October :: 6.20 pm

couple things bugging me...

i feel like people lie to me

i feel like people are fake

apparently there are 3 cases of swine flu at my school but they dont tell anyone????

annoyed.

:: 2009 10 September :: 10.39 pm

does anyone know why when i connect to my home network on my blackberry- it says i'm connected and everything but my browser wont let me open any pages?

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2009 10 September :: 5.08 pm

#763239

#753642

#754909
#760995

765987

764963

:: 2009 27 August :: 5.11 pm

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

:: 2010 19 August :: 5.08 pm

i hate when people talk about their BLACK friends or their BLACK boyfriend loudly and often like... trying to prove that they have friends of another race or something... there's this girl that is constantly talking about her BLACk boyfriend and showing his picture and saying how she doesn't care what color people are ... "you could be purple. as long as you're cool"

that's nice and everything but i dont know it bothers me when people talk about it like they are trying to prove a point or something.

annoying.

:: 2009 13 August :: 11.58 pm

i wish i had longer legs and perfect skin and

money.

shitty shit. theres so much more to say but it doesn't even matter.

:: 2009 8 August :: 12.36 am

oh and i'm considering buying a spray tanning machine for like 200-300 bucks and like offering spray tanning services ...somehow... someway... i'm not really sure how it would work but it just seems like a good idea.................

i dont know.

because think about it, if i have a tanning package- that is bed tanning.. it costs me at least 40 bucks a month which works out to....woo! $480... yeah. thats a shit load.

now if i had a spray tanning package it would be even more.. let's say 60 bucks a month... $720..

now the machine is a one time fee. and as soon as i figure out how much the solution costs i can do some more math. but i know it would at least SAVE me money in the long run because i am never going to be okay with being naturally pale. i can't do it. i just feel icky.

and then i could like somehow do spray tan parties or schedule appointments i dunoooooooo maybe i could work something out with people that do purse parties or whats it called... pure romance. thats it. i could like do spray tans there

i dont fricken know i'm just thinking theres a good idea somewhere in there with all this bed tanning scares about arsenic and shit.

roman thinks i should start my own business i just dont know.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

what do you think about a business that gives you a paycheck and when you go to cash it there are no funds in their account??? do you think that's shitty? i do.

thats why i fricken call them out on it and then they act like its no big deal so i get pissed. whatev........

:: 2009 8 August :: 12.32 am

i nevvvvvvvvverrrrrrrrr used to have a problem falling asleep. now it seems like i never can. i hope this is just a short phase because i love my sleep.

i just think it's really weird how different everyone is from each other. like i think it's weird i have friends that like, live with their parents whereas i am married and cooked a new mexican/noodle casserole thing for my HUSBAND tonight and like.... that was exciting.

it's strange how different everyone's lives are.

now if my job situation, money situation, and house situation could catch up maturity wise to the rest of my life... that'd be great.

someday.....

ps. jessie kae i love you and i hope everything is getting better. call me when you are able.

:: 2009 7 August :: 1.17 pm

does anyone know of anywhere hiring?

:: 2009 3 August :: 4.21 pm

oh my gosh so you know how i said i felt guilty for not buying that thing from the lady from khazacstan?

now i am looking at local news and i read this:

28th St. hit-run victim
from Kazakhstan
Suspect lodged in jail
Updated: Monday, 03 Aug 2009, 4:17 PM EDT
Published : Sunday, 02 Aug 2009, 11:35 AM EDT

WYOMING, Mich. (WOOD) - A pedestrian who was killed just after midnight Sunday morning was a Kazakhstan native.

The accident happened on 28th Street, just west of Byron Center Avenue.

The woman who died was a 23-year-old from Kazakhstan . She was in the United States with other foreign nationals, and, according to the Wyoming Police Department, was selling items to area gas stations and convenience stores to raise money for a religious group.

A suspect in the hit-and-run was identified and arrested. That suspect is now in the Kent County jail, and the prosecutor is reviewing the case to determine any potential charges.

Police officials are working with the Kazakhstan Consulate to notify the woman's family.
______________________________________________

super. that is awful. i'm 99.9% sure that is the same lady. if not then i know she is from the same group. thats so awful.

:: 2009 1 August :: 3.16 pm

i posted this quote from a book a long time ago but i love it so i'm doing it again:
My mind is blank now. Every part of my body is sinking and empty. I don't have to think about anything, hear anything, say anything, feel anything, worry about anything.
...there are no job interviews, no hypocrites. I do not have to... socialize. I do not have to smile. I do not have to justify my beliefs. I don't have to wear dress shoes. I don't have to pledge allegiance to the flag. I don't have to use a number two pencil. I don't have to read the fine print.
...it is true that it is nonproductive. But when ninety-five percent of out-of-bed activities hold the possibility of pain, to be pain-free is simply the most delicious feeling in the world.

-not mine

________________________________________

i'm reading through old entries. it makes me sad...

JESS this comment from you made me laugh hard.

"10-30-07 7:52am
jess i'm wearing my glasses today to cover my face lol

ttyl
"

do you remember that?

and this is funny to me
"now if only i could get myself to start fricken working out . seriously. i need to get serious about that. i really really do. i just feel like a moron in front of all those muscley guys. eww and i don't want to run on the tredmills and fall on my face like on a tv show. i'd be so embarassed. and it would hurt. i can't run on those treadmills. i'm not coordinated enough to do that and listen to my earphones and sing MY hUMPS in my head and watch the tvs with no sound and worry about what people are thinking of me and check my heart rate all at the same time.

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT. HOW DO YOU RUN ON TREADMILLS.

and that m y friend is the question of the day. how DO you people run on treadmills.
"

:: 2009 1 August :: 2.35 pm

why do i feel so bad when a person who says they are a missionary from khazakstan that tries to help people from drug abuse and absitence before marriage etc. comes into my work and tries to sell me a pretty windchime and i refuse?

why do i feel so guilty?!!?

i only had 10 bucks on me and they were 15 and up.

the saddest part is i probably would have bought one if i had the extra 5.

i cannnnnt saaaaaay noooooooooooooo.

...isn't khazacstan the country borat was from? well... she didn't look like borat.

:: 2009 1 August :: 2.05 pm

i've had this since 2002....

weirrrrrd.

:: 2009 16 July :: 12.59 am

Random thoughts: -i am hungry- I get to buy groceries tomorrow yeehaw- I want to see stefs puppy- I want a new vacuum cleaner soooo bad- I have to get my new passport and license tomorrow- I can never sleep at night anymore- I am excited to start school and wear scrubs- I put up (past tense) with SO much for you, you idiot.- I wonder if you know deep down that you really did a lot of bad things, you were/are such a jerk and so fake, it really sucks because when you're not like that you are pretty fun - where did they all go? - I wonder if that really is why and the doctors are wrong and it will be a problem. I can only pray that it won't.- why does my kidney area always hurt like a sharp pain ... Not good.- I'm married, isn't that weird!?!? Hahahaha- and that concludes the random list of thoughts going on in my head.

I

:: 2009 15 July :: 11.05 pm

All about yourself...the survey. Created by adawg and taken 427924 times on Bzoink
All about yourself...
First name?::	jessica
Middle name?::	michele
Like your name?::	yes
Named after anyone?::	no
Any nicknames?::	jamal, j, jessa
Age?::	21
Birthdate?::	3.8
Birthplace?::	grand rapids
Time you were born?::	8.31 am
Current location?::	my home
Height?::	5.0
Like your height?::	no, i wish i was a little taller
Eye color?::	blue
Contacts/glasses?::	neither
Hair color?::	brown
Natural hair color?::	brown
Dye your hair often?::	about 3 times a year because i get bored
Righty or lefty?::	lefty
Your favorite...
Type of music?::	depends on my mood. When I am awake and ready to go out then it would be hip hop/rap etc, when i'm ready for bed it's classical, when i'm sad it's r&b/pop
Band or singer?::	ummmm i dont know
TV show?::	greys anatomy
Movie?::	i guess step brothers
TV channel?::	?
Radio station?::	none
Place to be?::	out with friends/ family
Thing to do?::	be iwth friends/family
Food?::	pizza/chocolate
Non alcoholic drink?::	diet pepsi
Alcoholic drink?::	bahama mama, vodka and sprite
Animal?::	dogs, cats, swans
Holiday?::	my bday or christmas i guess i duno
Season?::	spring summer or fall
Sport?::	sport? hmmm
Place to shop?::	vanity, forever 21, charlotte russe, marshalls, old navy, target... theres many
Clothing brand?::	none
Scent?::	as far as perfume- enchanted orchid from BBW or baby phat umm i can't remember what its called but i love it
Restaurant?::	olive garden or frankie v's
Fruit?::	apples or bananas
Vegetable?::	potatos, corn
Fast food restaurant?::	arby's i suppose
Pizza topping?::	none, just cheese really
Ice cream flavor?::	mint chocolate chip
Magazine?::	i duno
City?::	haven't visited enough to know
Color?::	blue
Number?::	2
This or that...
Chocolate or vanilla?::	chocolate except for cake or ice cream
Pepsi or coke?::	diet pepsi
Hot or cold?::	?
Black or white?::	black
Dog or cat?::	dog
French toast or pancakes?::	french toast
French fries or onion rings?::	french fries
Hamburger or hot dog?::	hamburger
Pepperoni or sausage?::	pep
Britney or Christina?::	britney
McDonalds or Burger King?::	burger king
50 Cent or Eminem?::
Canada or Mexico?::	canada i think
Hug or kiss?::	hug
Movies or TV?::
Truth or dare?::
Do you...
Shower daily?::	yes
Sing in the shower?::	no
Like to sing?::	in my car
Like to dance?::	yeah
Smoke?::	no
Drink?::	on occasion
Cuss?::	sometimes
Talk to yourself?::	not really
Believe in yourself?::	?
Play an instrument?::	yes
Go to school?::	starting on the 27th
Go to college?::	" "
Have a job?::	yeah
Like your job?::	most of the time
Want to get married?::	am
Want to have kids?::	yes
Get along with your parents?::	yeah
Get along with your siblings?::	yeah
Drive?::	yeah
Random...
Do you think you're trustworthy?::	yes
Think your funny?::	sometimes
Ever toilet papered someones house?::	yes
Gone garbage can tipping?::	no
What are your parents names?::	stacey and michael
Siblings names?::	brandon shannon stefanie
Do you wash your hands frequently?::	yes
How many time a day do you brush your teeth?::	2
Collect anything?::	no
Ever been in love?::	yeah
In love right now?::	yeah
What color pants are you wearing right now?::	grey
How does your hair look?::	up in pony tail
Ever had your heartbroken?::	yeah
Ever broken the law?::	yeah
Been arrested?::	no
Been out of the country?::	yea
Can you stick your fist in your mouth?::	no
When was the last time you got drunk?::	umm i cannot remember
Do you do drugs?::	no
When was the last time you were high on anything?::	n/a
Do you prefer the lights on or off?::	off-save energy
Would you ever get plastic surgery?::	yes
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?::	boxers
Do you like to laugh?::	yes
Ever had a bloody nose?::	no
Have you ever caught a fish?::	yes
What was the last thing you ate?::	hamburger helper
What time do you go to bed?::	depends
What's your favorite color?::	blue
Do you like to give or recieve?::
Are you obsessed with anything/anyone?::	my dogs probably
Do you live alone?::	no
Do you own a blender?::	yes
Do you like the snow?::	i like how it looks but nothign else
Ever been up a mountain?::	no
Ever been rootin'?::	?
Do you like surprises?::	yes
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