♪::.Live.::♫

♪::.Live.::♫

:: 2007 12 September :: 10.06pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: When It Comes - Incubus

MSN is currently being a douche and making me download the latest version before I can sign in. I hate that it does that. I'm perfectly fine with the version I have, kthxbai.

My speech went over well, everyone seemed to like it. I was still told to talk slower though. Also they said that I sounded as though I were about to burst into tears at any given moment. Sweet.
So, I have to work in controlling my voice and relaxing. Lawl, yeah right, I'm in front of a room full of people.
Next week we have to give the speech for a grade though. Blah.

I am so boring. It makes me upset. I was never boring. In high school, I was the one of the "Class Clowns". You cannot be a Class Clown and boring at the same time. It does not work.
I need fixed. I need something more interesting to talk about than MSN being an ass face and my speech giving abilities.
Fuck.

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butterfly

:: 2007 11 September :: 11.45pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

I have survived my first college test.
Passed? Very doubtful.
It was in Political Science. I'm just going to have to read the entire book I think. He gives us power point lectures over stuff that he informs us isn't going to be on the test -- and none of it was on this test, so the statement is bound to hold true.
I don't get it, it's just a stupid class.
Tomorrow night I have Speech. I was really stressed out about it, I didn't want to get up in front of everyone and deliver mine, but right now I'm not anxious at all, even though I've only just now finished it. I feel like I could give it to anyone at the moment.
I'm a little short on the time, so I'm going to have to read a lot slower than I normally would, but other than that I think it will be alright.
Last Saturday was my final Orientation class, so now I've got that day back to do homework and talk to Kelly. Exciting? I thought so.
I have to do one last assignment for the class though, and turn it in sometime this week.
It looks easy enough.

I want to paint my room, but any color I pick out mom is like "oh, you can't use that color, it's too dark, your room will look like a dungeon."
or "that's way too bright rachel, you'll always have a headache."
It's really annoying. She's never in my room, what does she care?At the moment my room is a tannish color because we just never painted it after Trevor was in there, and he had everything navy with tan walls. It looked good then, but not so much with my pink, purple, and orange stuff.... Yikes.
I can't figure out what color I want it anyways, I change my mind about every day.

Anyway, that's all. Nothing really interesting. Nothing ever is in my life.

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butterfly

:: 2007 6 September :: 11.41am
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

I eventually went to bed a little after four this morning, and then at 7:30 my dad woke me up because we were under a tornado watch and he had to go to the fire station and "spot" and whatever. So I've had 3.5 hours of sleep and a lot of coffee. I kind of feel like shit but I've still got homework to finish for tonight.
The worst of the storm passed, though it still looks pretty bad out, and it's supposed to hit again later on today.
We live by this little creek and it's well over the bridge. It's higher than it's been in years and it's a little crazy.
We definitly needed the rain, we've been in a drought and we had to put a burn ban on and blah. Still, it's a lot of rain in a very short time, and it's not supposed to let up until Saturday.

Anyway, this is a great song. She has a really great voice. And red hair. Gah.

Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

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butterfly

:: 2007 6 September :: 1.50am
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: Made of Steel - Our Lady Peace

http://www.demonbaby.com/pics/americanworld.gif

Pure Gold.

Life sucks
Kelly's hot
Test on Tuesday
Speech on Wednesday
I've had 8 cups of coffee in the past two hours
Peed about that many times within the last hour
Doing homework
Talking to Jacob
He sleeps through his classes a lot like a noob
My Speech teacher is in love with Hitler and Harry Potter
The End

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butterfly

:: 2007 4 September :: 5.39pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: S&M - Metallica

It's slightly humorous watching someone type who doesn't know how to. My dad just freaked out because he put an apostrophe instead of a comma and didn't know how to fix the "problem".
I wanted to hug the poor guy and laugh my ass off at the same time.
I'm so his hero though, when it comes to computers. Go me.

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butterfly

:: 2007 3 September :: 8.55pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: All Within My Hands - Metallica

I was kind of scared to go to Michigan to go to school because I knew how expensive it was going to be. I was havening to take out loans, even though I got almost $17,000 in grants and scholarships. Now I'm going to school and, although hating it, I don't have to pay anything. One grant covered everything, and I'll be getting money back. I feel like people are going to make it difficult for me to leave, finally, and go to school up there which costs about $20,000 a year as opposed to the estimated $3,000 I'll pay for one year at Crowder.
I'm positive that I don't want to finish school here. I don't want to be here now. I'm not enjoying myself at all. No matter that it would be more intelligent financially. If I have to, I'll wait a little while before continuing on with school. I'm in no hurry. I would need to find a decent paying job and get an apartment and a coffee pot and just wait it out. I'm praying that I'll be able to get a car within the next few months. I'm hating this more than ever.
I'll probably talk to my grandparents and see if they'll give me a loan for a car. They might, Lord knows they give enough money out to other people, why not their own granddaughter? At least that's what I'm telling myself.

I need to find a job like right now... but then there comes in the No Car situation. How would I manage to get there? How am I going to be able to afford an apartment in Michigan if I can't get a job and save money now, all because I don't have a car?
Since when did my life become such a huge and completely fucked up mess? I was always the one people went to because I had everything under control and thought out and I was a completely anal perfectionist. Now I'm like "oh... yeah, I don't know what's happening. Cool huh?" and try to play it off, but really I'm on the edge of a fucking break down.

Life officially blows.

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butterfly

:: 2007 3 September :: 12.07pm
:: Music: Paralyzer - Finger Eleven

I'm so bored right now. I hate Political Science and I have a ton of homework to do for that class but it's so boring that I keep creating excuses to not do it. I have a test on the 11th. I don't understand anything that the professor says and it's probably because 1. I've never found politics to be of any interest, and 2. The school I went to fails at life and once you graduate, you realize that you didn't learn shit.
Luckily the teacher posts his lecture outlines online and the powerpoints he uses, so I can get that and attempt to teach this shit to myself... which is what I'm trying to do, and it's not working too well.
I don't even know why the heck I'm in this class. I think my little person who was putting me in classes forced me at gunpoint. It's a little hazy. She probably clubbed me in the side of the head and that's why I can't remember too well.

I've decided I'm in love with the song Teenagers by My Chemical Romance. It's amusing.

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butterfly

:: 2007 30 August :: 6.26pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Die Die My Darling - Metallica

Kelly's always telling me how awful Cyanide and Happiness is... and he's completely right. I love how twisted it is though, and this one here.... well it's just as corrupt as they all are. And I still love it.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Anyway, class is supposed to start in like two minutes and our professor is no where to be found, and half of the class isn't here.
Interesting...

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butterfly

:: 2007 29 August :: 6.30pm

There's a REALLY big "no food or drinks in the lab" sign above my computer, but I wonder what they would do if I drank my water anyway?? Cause like I'm thirsty and stuff, and I don't want to leave all my shit, step outside the lab, drink, then walk back. Nor do I want to pack all my shit up, step outside the lab, drink, and come back.
Asshats.
Oh, I watched a classic last night -- The War of the Roses -- and it brought back another classic, which just so happens to be calling people "fuck face"
How great is that?

There's no scroll thing on my mouse... mui upset. yeah.

Uh I'm talking to Kelly, Jacob, and PJ and they're all doing really good jobs at making me want to laugh histarically, and i'm in a crowded computer lab, so when i do laugh, everyone like freaks out and looks at me... It's funny. I'm enjoying it. I'm going to be known as the weird girl that people avoid. It'll be fucking awesome

-Edit- I did end up drinking my water in the lab, and you know what happened? Nothing happened. Silly heads... so I decided to take it a step further, see if the hammer would fall, and I ate a bag of Gardetto's... Nothing. They fail. I'm doing whatever I want from now on. They don't scare me at ALL.

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butterfly

:: 2007 28 August :: 3.59pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Homework kicks my ass.
I've never been a procrastinator, but I'm quickly finding myself becoming one. Not good. I need to step up and get it done so that I have more time to be on here and talking to my gorgeous red-head as opposed to taking numerous hours to do an assignment.

I'm also rather sad about the fact that I would have started school up there yesterday.... yeah. Not cool.
I'm tired of whinning about not being up there, but it's all I want to do.

I haven't really heard anything about gramma as of late. Last I knew they were bringing in a specialist to run some more tests... I don't know. It seems like if it were anything serious it wouldn't be drug out this long. I'm becoming rather skeptic of everything they say, which is nothing unless asked.
Whatever, I don't even want to think about it.

Something has become incredibly fucked up with our computer, so we're taking it to the shop tonight. Hopefully it won't be gone too long.
/pets
<3 it.
...is it sad that I don't want to disconnect the tower and hand it over to some madman yielding a ... tool used by madmen?
He'll know what he's doing... he's gotta.
<.<
>.>

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butterfly

:: 2007 27 August :: 11.28am

The stupidity of some people utterly amazes me. This, I swear, is a must watch.

http://helptheiraq.ytmnd.com/

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butterfly

:: 2007 25 August :: 10.19am
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: Come Back To Me - Plain White T's

I'm ready to leave.
My mom and I just don't get along, and I feel like I'm the lead role in one of those cheap tv drama's where the daughter's all "woe is me, my mom hates me..." and then cries on whomever's shoulder is nearest.
That's far from where I am, I don't care if mom doesn't like me. I just want her to get off my fucking back. Her goal in life, I swear, is to rip every ounce of happiness out of every living thing surrounding her.
She was so happy that I was staying here for a while longer, and I was naive enough to think it would make her, if not nicer, at least a little more bareable. I was off big time. It seems to have registered in her head "oh, hey, she's still here. I can get in some extra jabs and insult her as much as I want now."
It probably wouldn't be so bad if she showed the same hostility she has towards me to everyone else in my family. Not that they escape it all together, or that I wish they had to put up with the same shit that I have to, but I don't know what I did to deserve it all.

Anyway, enough crying from me. It's too hard to understand her and there's no point in trying to. 18 years hasn't changed a thing, I don't expect it to change in the future.

Yesterday morning I was home alone, and the phone rang and the caller ID said it was from Phoenix, Arizona. I don't know anyone from Arizona. I answer and no one said anything, and then you could hear them breathing heavily. Creeped me out, so I hung up.
Then that afternoon same number called again. Same results, as well, only this time the heavy breathing started right up, no pause.
We all went out to eat and went grocery shopping last night and didn't get back until late, so I don't know if they called again, there wasn't any messages from them, so I figured it was just some weirdo and it was done with.
They freaking called again this morning. Now I'd told dad about it, and when they called this morning he answered, and they hung up right away. He's like "Rachel you answer it if they call again and then give me the phone."
I looked up the number online and it's a cell number from Verizon Wireless but it didn't give the name of who it belongs to.
It's actually kind of cool. I feel like I'm in one of those cheesey mystery books or something.

I finally bought the Plain White T's cd. I liked it. A lot of lovey stuff, which is what I need right now in my life.

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butterfly

:: 2007 20 August :: 2.13pm

From my Federal Pell Grant I got $4,310 to help pay for one year of college. So I had $2,155 for this semester, and I only had to use $1,600 of it, so I get $555 back. How fantastic is that?
I know.
I don't know when I get it back though. I think in like eight weeks.
Tis going towards my "Rachel needs a freaking car" fund.
My dream would be a 2008 Ford Focus.
<3333!!

And now to go get ready for skool. Yayzorz.
/die

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butterfly

:: 2007 19 August :: 2.02pm

Soooo.... Ashley just called me and was like "what do you think of Anthony??" (this weird guy that hangs out with Dustin and her) which she does all the time. She'll call me up and ask me what I think of people I'm never around.
So I killed her.
Anyway, I was like "omg I don't hang out with him ever stop asking me stupid shit" and she was like "no no I have a lagitamit (sp??) reason this time!!" and I was like "...oh?" and she was like "yeah, Dustin said they were talking and Anthony thinks that you're a cold hard bitch and wants to screw you"
I was just like omfg wth.
Ashley told me that I come off as a haughty bitch, not that I act that way, it's just my facial features.
WTF?!
So I don't smile 24/7 like those scary people. Kiss my ass.
Anyway, Anthony can fuck himself, I'm not a bitch :(

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butterfly

:: 2007 18 August :: 8.56pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Rest In Pieces - Saliva

Schoolzorz
I had my first class today. It was pretty crappy.
It's a five hour orientation class in which you learn all these things that are really stupid and boring. Except for the computer part. That's interesting, learning how to use all the programs and messing around with them. That I enjoy.
As for the "Well you see now, class, if you get a 1.5 GPA ... that's not going to suffice. You need to get it higher.Ok?" "*mumbles*" "ok... now... do this 80 question quiz on GPA's and why you should strive to maintain a high one. Ready? Go."
I'd much prefer to cut out my own liver than to return to the next class. Luckily there's only two remaining. Granted, that is 10 more hours of my fucking life that I'll spend wishing to swallow anti-freeze.
Plus the smelly kid in the class sat by me.
You'd think that by the age of 18+ you'd learn that deoderant is useful and infact needed. I mean, I get if you can't afford it, but good grief, this kid had on a fucking Hollister shirt. I'm sure he can go to the dollar store and get some deoderant.
Anyway we got a new desk and I got it all set up. Tis sweet. It was too long to have it against the wall that we had the old desk on, so it's on the wall adjacent to it, and it's weird. Plus now I can't turn to the left and watch tv, I have to turn all the way around.
Suckage.

Anyway, since I've not yet posted it, Kelly and I talked and we're now doing fine. Still together. 11 months and 4 days. Pretty exciting stuff.
<3 him.

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butterfly

:: 2007 14 August :: 10.06pm
:: Mood: blah

Class Schedule #2
Saturday - Orientation Class - 1:00-6:00
Monday - English 101 - 5:00-6:15
Tuesday - Political Science 103 - 6:30-9:15
Wednesday - Speech 101 - 3:30-6:15
Thursday - Computer Applications 125 - 6:30-9:15

I took all evening classes so that I could get a job. I doubt I'll be able to get all the scholarships that I had originally with Ferris the second time around, so I'm going to have to pay more from my own pocket, so a job is a necessity now.
Hopefully I only have to stay here until January. I hope grandma has like some miraculous healing so that I can leave next semester. That would be freakin sweet. I really don't want to have to stick around for an entire year or longer. I needz mah Kelly!!

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butterfly

:: 2007 14 August :: 2.02pm

I found out yesterday that my grandma has breast cancer. She called me and asked me to stay here to be with her, rather than going to Michigan to be with Kelly and go to school. I didn't know what to do. I want to stay here and be with her and my family, but then I don't want to. I need to be with Kelly. I love him. I don't want to lose him and I'm afraid that my staying here, which I promised my grandma I would do, is going to cause that.
I'm tired of us being apart. I was so excited and ready to be up there and just be with him. He's by far the best thing that has ever happened to me and now I'm being denied him. I want to just scream. I don't know what to do. I am completely at a loss.
I can't even go to my parents about it, because grandma made me promise not to tell them. She has to "find the right time" she said, so I had to lie to them and tell them that I just decided to stay here for the first semester, or year, whichever.
I pray to God I'm not here for another year. I don't know if Kelly's going to want to wait for me until January, let alone until next August.
I don't even know what exactly I'm feeling right now.
I'm scared to talk to Kell, which is ridiculous, but I just don't want to give him the chance to say something that I don't want him to say, and that's selfish of me, I'm completely aware of that, but if my grandma ... well I don't know if I can even get through this without him. As corny and cliche as it is, he gives me so much strength and I'm afraid of not having him there for me.
I honestly can't picture myself without him, and that scares me too.
I want to hate my grandma for this. I know that's irrational, but her becoming sick made me put my life on hold, and I don't want to do that. I just want to be in Kelly's arms. I want to be able to kiss him and goof off and just be myself.
This is well beyond unfair.
Plus, on top of everything, since I couldn't tell my parents the truth, they're giving me "I told you so" lectures because they think Kelly and I are having problems and that's what prevented me from going up there.
I feel like holing up in my room and waiting for this to solve itself, but I'm not naive enough to think that's going to work.

I have to go to Crowder in just a little bit and talk to the Admissions Office and see if I can go there for the Fall semester so that I'm not behind, and if so I have to call Ferris and see if they'll transfer all my grants and cancel the loan I took out.
This is just way too much to deal with. I was supposed to be leaving in two days. I was packing and as stressed as I was about school, I was still alright with it because I was going to be with Kell and everything would be alright.
Now I don't even know where we stand. It's not fair of me to ask him to wait for me. But it's not fair of him to not wait on me. I'm the one that was taking the innitiative and moving. He wasn't going to. I was fine with that, too. I wanted to get away, he didn't. I have more problems with my family than even he's aware of, and so I was alright with being the one to move. But now things aren't going to work out in that favor right now, and yeah it throws us off big time, but I tried. Damnit, I had succeeded too. It's not my fault, and I don't want him to be mad at me. Yet if he was, I would understand it and that's what kills me. Where he has no right, he has every right.
Things are just so fucked up right now.

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butterfly

:: 2007 9 August :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: sleepy

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Words fail me here.

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butterfly

:: 2007 7 August :: 10.28pm

"Life is getting harder day by day and I don't know what to do, what to think"
That's a clip from a song, a very good song, mind you, that perfectly fits my life atm.
Everything looks fine from anothers point of view apparently, Ashley and I were talking and she seemed shocked that I was close to having a break down, swearing she thought I had everything under control.
That's a problem I've become aware that I have. I don't like help, I like to keep things to myself. My whole life I've pretended to be stronger than I was because that's what my life required. My parents were too demanding and I didn't have friends to talk to, so I just kept everything inside and delt with it accordingly in ways I'm not too proud of.
But anyway, the main point here, is that everything seems to be unraveling before my eyes and it's scary. Mom and I's new relationship, one in which she isn't terrorizing my every moment of life, has already started to fail. She's become condescending and shrewd yet again, and that's put more strain on me than anything else, but I don't want to show her that she's getting to me because that's exactly what she wants to do, so it's kind of an endless loop of disaster waiting to explode.

Anyway, I lost my thought process on that one, so the main point of this is that holy fuck, I need to start packing. I was preparred to do it about 2 months ago, but now that the time actually requires it, I'm way too preoccupied with other things. No good. It's got to be done and soon so that I don't forget things that I need because mom will nag at me forever if I need them to mail me something.
Blah.
I got the name of my roommate, which reminds me that if I refer to my Residence Hall as anything but a Residence Hall, (ie dorm) I shall apparently get my fingers twisted off as in the movie Sniper starring Tom Berenger. They had this huge article on how it was NOT a dorm, for those were things of the past, and not what a Residence Hall is today. It was a "<.< >.>" moment while reading it, I assure you.
Anyway, I didn't get my roommate's phone number, and I'll assume she didn't get mine either, nor did we get each other's email addresses, so it looks like I'm writing a letter to her. Gotta figure out if I'm going to be killed in my sleep. Her name's Emily, which makes her seem normal, but you can never tell with these things.

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butterfly

:: 2007 1 August :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Promise - Eve 6

I'm finally home after a stressful week of house sitting.
I got paid $320 for it though, so no complaining.

I've got a $2,151.00 payment to make by August 15. Ball suckage.

Leaving here the 16th with my parents to drive up to Michigan. Mom want's to rent a vehicle. Her logic is that if it breaks down, they get us a new one asap, as opposed to us driving one of our vehicles up there and it breaking down and being stranded until it gets fixed which could take who knows how long.
Makes sense.

Kelly and I are good, nothing really new there. We should have a huge fight that way I can cry over it in here. That would be fun. I don't know what we would fight over though. I'll give it some thought. I can't wait to be up there and see him again though, I miss him. It was so unfair to be with him and then have to come back home for two months.
This September it will have been one year that we're together (knock on wood). It doesn't really seem like it, mainly because he was there and I was here I suppose, but still, that's big. Not quite "huge" yet, but exciting nonetheless.

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