haha woo it's 2010
I went to a New Volunteer Orientation at the Sacramento SPCA this morning. I'm really excited about doing this and can't wait to get started with the canine workshops -- after I finish training I'll be playing with and grooming dogs. During the middle of the orientation they turned us loose to explore the facility, and I made friends with a sweet brown and white dog with an enormous head. She was quiet and gentle and came to the cage door to offer me her ear for scratching.
Right before my car accident I had gotten this burst of inspiration to accomplish my goals and get back into doing the things I love, and the accident was a big blow to me in more ways than one. I'm recovered now from my minor injuries and the awful cold I came down with, but losing my freedom to move about the city and having to add the truck's not insubstantial repair to my list of financial obligations has me stymied and discouraged -- to say nothing of the emotional issues involved, since the truck holds a lot of sentimental value for me and I came so close to losing it.
I'm extremely grateful that I had already gotten the ball rolling on this volunteer work at the SPCA, and that it's picking up so soon after the new year. Having the work to look forward to is an auspicious beginning and, I hope, will help pull me out of this mild depression. Already I feel that if I can get out sans truck and work with the animals, there's nothing to stop me from going ahead with the other things I had planned before the accident, either.
So my fingers are crossed. 2009 saw me through a lot of changes and though it ended poorly, I have high hopes for the coming year.
car accident
There was a four-car pile-up on the freeway today. I was the fourth car. I still don't really know what happened; it was all so fast. I remember slamming on the breaks and then suddenly there was a crash and the airbag punched me in the face. After it was over it took a few seconds for me to process what had happened -- I sat there in the quiet cab in disbelief, just gaping at the crumpled hood and the powder seeping like smoke into the cab from the dashboard.
After a few "oh shit"s and some other colorful language I made to move and discovered that the door was wedged shut. I managed to get it open just enough to slither out.
My injuries are minor -- my face hurts and there are some cuts on my neck from either the seatbelt or pieces of the steering wheel which blew off when the airbags deployed -- but the truck is fairly destroyed. Everyone except for a sweet hobo who stopped to talk to me as I was waiting for the tow truck has said that it'd be best to have it totaled.
Since it was my father's truck this is devastating news to me. At this point I just feel numb and I'm clinging desperately to any hope that it can be repaired.
::
2009 30 November :: 7.35pm
:: Mood: missing it already
Farewell
This Journal is the one constant that I have had for almost 10 years. I love everything in it, and I honestly wish I wanted to share it with every person in existance.
However I don't. I love you, all of you who followed my life. Please, don't forget the idiot lessons I learned.
There is nothing left here. If I followed you, I will be friending you one way or another. Thankyou.
::
2009 29 November :: 10.21pm
:: Mood: disappointed
My sister had a party last night and someone stole my Nintendo DS. Apparently some of her friends had their phones stolen, too. Random people showed up; she didn't know who they were or who had invited them.
I'm really angry and really sad. I bought the DS when I was in Germany, and it was the prettiest turquoise. I liked it a lot. Sadie got me a replacement, which is white, and that was really sweet of her...but I just wish I had my old one back.
::
2009 20 November :: 10.51pm
:: Mood: optimistic
Things are changing
As the title suggests, a lot has happened during my long silence. I'll try to keep the exposition short so this doesn't get TL;DR. The main idea I wish to convey is that I'm making some changes in my life for the better, and I feel optimistic about the way things are going.
::
2009 17 November :: 10.37pm
:: Mood: discontent
Who's the one that made you happy
Who's the one that always makes you laugh
Who's the reason you're smiling
And dragged you through these times so rough
I was the one that made you happy
I was the one that eased the pain
But I'm the reason that you're crying now
My own tears scattered by the rain
You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be
Deeper than deep you took me on a trip baby
You shared your wildest dreams and more
You dare me to express my feelings to you
I never felt that need before
But suddenly you needed freedom
You felt the need to break free
You started drowning in your sorrow
You didn't wanna know I had the key
You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be
You can sacrifice me, sacrifice me
You can be who you wanna
You can be who you wanna be
Discarded thoughts.
For some stupid reason, I find myself in love with nothing other than sadness. Trust me, I'm not proud.
It is so cold today, has been all week. Usually October still holds the heat of the setting sun of summer. It's usually a disappointment from when i was a kid and seasons were definite. But this one is right. It feels much later in the year. and the smells...
I open the windows and I'm fifteen again.
not ashamed of who I am
but maybe a little sorry for
who I was before I stopped the
facade, hiding in who you wanted
me to be, that porcelain image in
your bed, in your head, in your beautiful eyes...
I was something else before
I realized that I'm not waiting
for someone to rescue me,
I'm just waiting for me to
stop needing
rescued.
sometimes, I feel claustrophobic inside my own body.
sometimes, I wish I could open the door to find myself standing there,
give counsel,
have a drink,
whatever.
hear what I'm thinking from my point of view.
open the door, "hey, been trying to meet you.
there must be
a devil between us."
it's funny how
being broken
into a thousand tiny pieces
can feel so good.
a chapter finished,
the typewriter
slammed back
to start a new line.
I've just had the best day. This morning, my Scottish friend and former roommate from Berlin told me that his parents had offered him a paid trip anywhere in the world he wanted to go, and he wanted to come to California to see me. I'm so excited to see him again! We've already started planning lots of exciting American things to do when he gets here (and lots of not-particularly-American but still quite fun things to do as well). He'll be here for about two weeks in the beginning of November.
We used to joke about Americans being so patriotic that they go around in American flag suits all the time, and at some point he started saying that if he ever came to visit the US, he wanted me to pick him up from the airport in an American flag suit.
I'm totally going to do it. When I told Sadie, she said she wanted to come too and to dress up as the Statue of Liberty. It will be awesome.
Then I spent the evening with one of my best friends from elementary school. We were practically inseperable back then but we drifted apart during high school and I hadn't seen her in quite a while. It was lovely to discover that we still get along really well, and we've decided that we have to see each other much more often now.
Tomorrow I'm driving to Santa Cruz for a close college friend's birthday, and the day after that Nathan and Juliette and I are going to dress up in costume and go see Serenity, which is the midnight movie at the local Santa Cruzian theater.
I'd been getting to feel pretty lonely and stressed during the past couple of weeks, but things are taking a definite turn for the better.
Today I ordered some cool stuff from the internet.
We also had a memorial picnic in the park near my dad's bench. Lots of really great Mexican food. Tomorrow makes it five years since he died. I'm surprisingly okay. Mostly I dread any of my family members wanting to talk about it.
I watched a Buster Keaton movie when I got home in tribute; he loved Buster Keaton. Tomorrow I plan to spend a good chunk of time reading my book of Arthur C. Clarke essays.
::
2009 3 August :: 5.05pm
:: Music: Beg - Evans Blue
My love of Twilight probably puts me into the percentile range of obsession/13-year-old-overweight-girls-with-tiny-tees-and-black-and-blond-hair.
/sigh.
Nathan and I went out the other night with Felicity and Trevor, friends of ours from college who recently moved to Sacramento. They took us to Monkey Bar, which is (very originally) covered in abstract monkey art. We went back to what was called the "Play Room" and, since we couldn't find any darts to throw at the dartboard, just sat on the couches and talked.
Felicity went to the bar at one point to get another drink and as she was waiting, a girl who was already well in her cups showed up and said, "I'M GONNA NEED TEN PATRICK SWAYZES!" The bartender made her drinks, and Felicity came back to relate the exchange to us.
We decided later that we had to find out what the hell a Patrick Swayze was, so we trooped up to the bar en masse. When we asked for one, the bartender laughed and said, "You heard us talking about that, huh?" We said yeah, and we really wanted to find out what it was. He admitted that he'd had no idea what she was talking about so he just made something up, and he brought us one on the house. Vodka, pineapple juice, cranberry, and Red Bull, for those interested; it was actually quite good.
Nathan now thinks that we should go to every bar in town, ask for a Patrick Swayze, and see what we get.
I have a lot to be happy about these days. I have friends in Sacramento whom I see (or can see, if I'd get off my duffle) regularly. I'm indulging in some of my favorite hobbies and keeping myself busy. I don't have to pay rent or buy groceries or take my clothing to a laundromat on laundry day. Nathan and I are doing better than ever, even though we're living in separate cities. There are cats.
And yet being here, unemployed, despite everything else, is getting me down a little. I'm having trouble sleeping at night because I feel rather devoid of purpose. I don't know what to expect from the next few months, and so I feel both that I should be making long-term plans, and that I can't make any long-term plans. Money is no longer flowing my way, which isn't a problem because I'm not supporting myself, but it would be nice to get the ball rolling on that front. Originally Nathan and I had planned to move to Oregon together at the end of the summer. Now it's looking like it can't happen until next year.
::
2009 22 July :: 12.27am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: I Alone - Anouk
Update lulz.
work and work. And, soon enough, school as well.
I'm excited to start my psych degree. Not so much on finishing my business one.
Coke is a hard addiction to kick.
Cherry that is... My drug.
....Anyways.
Yeah. I have too much time on my hands usually. Yet I can still never find the time to hang up my clothes.
Funny how those things work.
Totally moved out of the house with Ashley and Lacey. Lacey met a guy from North Dakota and he moved down a few weeks ago. At that time I moved into a house with Renkoski. It's pretty boss, not gonna lie.
I got a raise at work... a wopping $0.40, but still. I also put in for a management postion. I don't know if I'll get it, of course I have my hopes up, but not too high. That would be another pay raise, but idk. At least they'll know I'm interested in a management position for future knowledge, should I not get this one.
Um... yeah. I'm doing super, old-injury wise. No more surgeries, I think. Well, I might have to get an anthroscopy on my knee, but like... that's further off in the future, I think.
It sucks balls when the weather changes, and it's hard to sleep, but I just knock myself out with benadryl on those nights.
Hmm. Yeah. I'm single, of course. Don't think that's going to change any time soon. Like, seriously, I limp and I have scars. Big, obvious ones. Guys my age are too caught up on shit like that to look past it and get to know me.
So I'll get over the loneliness and not worry about it for the next like friggin five years, I guess.
/shrug.
I'm thinking of tattoos, still. It's so hard. I know where I want it, I just need to know what "it" is. I'm torn between a penguin and some script.
I know not what I want.
Lots has happened since I last wrote here. Nathan and I have both graduated and are now living with our respective parents, about 70 miles apart (which is still pretty convenient). Nathan's dad joked to a friend the other day that our new apartment is half in Richmond, in Nathan's room, and half in Sacramento, in mine.
I've been looking for work but so far haven't heard back from anyone. In the meantime, I'm keeping myself busy by doing chores around the house, watching anime, preparing for a substitute organist job in August, and taking care of a quarter horse called Ruby that lives at the same barn where Sadie keeps her pony. Tomorrow I'm going to start taking yoga and pilates classes at the new West Sac rec center, which was conveniently built right near our house.
I don't really know where I'm headed at present. Nathan and I are intent upon living together again, but it's going to have to wait until we have more money, and who knows how long that could take. In any event, I've committed to staying in Sacramento until at least November.
