:: 2005 2 October :: 12.34 am

she tells me she's gone.

but, fuck her, and fuck me.

i'm still here. i'll always be

for her.

my pathetic arms and hands clawing at the wall and trying desperately to climb and to follow thanking the metal barbs shearing through flesh, mine, following and shadowing

myrmidony

and remembering

last fall

last winter

and so many times that went before

all the feelings the cuts the sacrifices the shared hurts and pains the cold the walls and lookingup singingdown the forty ounces i walked to get to her to follow her because i loved her because i




am still here.



you say you're gone. but you're not. you're here in my head and my heart, your beauty etched in my skin. you'll never leave, you can't. not really. and i can't, either.


so here i am, still here, always here, waiting.

---

:: 2005 26 September :: 9.39 am

but for a bloody knife, lying on the sink's edge, lying in blood



words can look strange and unfamiliar, terribly awkard when you stare at, consider them for too long.

addiction

---

:: 2005 18 September :: 9.57 am

and call myself jezebel, wanting to leave
entering and begging and taking in a grey room, with thousands of words

---

:: 2005 13 September :: 9.37 am

you failed, you failed, jeannette, you've slipped and let all of them fall, too, oh, how you have failed

2 suppositions | ---

:: 2005 11 September :: 9.32 am

000213a, more dreams of you, but i can barely hold onto them, hardly hold the feeling in my hands

dammit. i can feel it slipping away, when i want, need to remember

---

:: 2005 11 September :: 9.16 am

but if the silence takes me, i hope it takes you too
alone on a train aimless in wander
an outdated map crumpled in my pocket
but i didn't care where i was going
'cause they're all different names for the same place

the coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun
and i knew no words to share it with anyone
the boundaries of language i silently cursed
and all the different names for the same thing

---

:: 2005 9 September :: 11.13 am

halfthemeasure of your blindintent
she challenged everyone to a fight
but the people all backed down
and they ran her out of town

2 suppositions | ---

:: 2005 6 September :: 10.02 pm

every town has a corner where i'll meet you

---

:: 2005 1 September :: 9.12 am

i'm lucky i can open the door and walk
down the street--unlucky
i've got no place to go so--
i'll follow my feet
--the choice is facing you, a healthy dose of pain
the choice is facing you, as you stare through the rain

---

:: 2005 28 August :: 9.00 pm

such dreams, the past two nights. such nightmares, i'd say, nearly.

twonightsago
jenna, i followed you. you and i, our two families, were gathered in a room, eating dinner, i think. you left at one point, and i waited for you to come back.. and you didn't. so i went to search for you. when i found you, you were outside, sitting alone along the top railing of a fence. i stood on the ground, looking up, tried to talk. i'd done something wrong, horribly wrong, though, terribly regrettable, because you would hardly speak to me, but quietly, notquitecoldlybut emotionlesslycondemning. criticisms for faults and slights completely unseen and unintended, but committed nonetheless. you left one more, and i followed once more. i followed you to a pylon tower, and walked up, steps behind you, several stories high, until

you turned and i was at the edge suddenlysomehow and you

pushed me backwards

i don't remember hitting or the landing or the crunchingcompression of flesh and blood

but i do remember that it was all an intensesicknearlybutnotquite chartreuse yellow, black chains abound and swinging in the stairwell of the pylon tower






...the second dream will come tomorrow, then

1 supposition | ---

:: 2005 27 August :: 3.48 pm

000213a, dreamt again of you, last night

i've got to tell you

---

:: 2005 27 August :: 3.16 pm

heldtransfixed by feardreadmemories today as i heard a siren wailingscreaming down the roadnearthehouse and comingcoming closerandcloserandcloserand

then it faded and i let my pentupbreath out slowly wracked by the remembrance of

thatsaturday a year ago

in two days it will have been an exact year

and

1 supposition | ---

:: 2005 26 August :: 10.49 am

The Sun Goes Up and the Sun Goes Down..
memories of travelling fast over four wheels over pavement you at my side you at my back the tinged golden amber brightdead sunlight direct in my eyes washing over bodies over faces framing the trees the feelings of that song grinding away in the cogs the gears of my mind lodging somewhere between my shoulder blades such a feeling like a twitiching a flicking of the strings holding me here jerking me into a convulsive wonderful dance so uncoordinated and raw staring into the sun

---

:: 2005 26 August :: 9.50 am
:: Music: Oh No No Not Another One

---

:: 2005 17 August :: 8.39 am

did you think that you would be saved
by burning flags to cleanse yourselves of shame?
or are you afraid, are you afraid
as you stare back at your face?

2 suppositions | ---