:: 2011 6 July :: 2.53 pm

In a month it will have been three years. Three years since a friendship died. Three years since my heart was broken more thoroughly than it ever has before.

That first year I blamed anyone but her. I blamed her roommate for not telling her I had called. I blamed her significant other for deleting me off of her friends lists. I blamed God Himself for the hardening of her heart. I attempted to be stoic. I would say, I'm better off without her. I never meant it.

Near the anniversary of the first year, I discovered her blog. And read her words. Those awful, awful words. Saying it was all my fault. And then, for the next year, I blamed her. I blamed her cruelty. I blamed how she had become after she had studied abroad. I used to say, She got lost in Europe and a doppelganger came back. I meant it then. I was angry. I was hurt.

Now, as time creeps forever forward, I reflect inwards. It was my fault. I was a bad friend. I am a bad friend. I didn't talk to her for months, because I was hurt by her actions. And I disapproved of her moving in with her significant other. I didn't tell her things. True, these things I really didn't have to tell anyone, but I guess she felt entitled to knowing them. I didn't tell anyone when I was coming back. And then suddenly I was back. No flash, fanfare, parties, nothing. I wanted to punish her for what she had done when she got back from her time abroad; hang out with her significant other all the time, leaving me out of the picture. I thought myself higher than her, because I had been separated from my significant other over a period of 13 months, more than 3 times as long as it had been for her.

I am a horrible friend. Just ask anyone who has been “friends” with me. I am opinionated, stuck up, selfish, vindictive, whiny, cranky, bitchy, stubborn to a fault, judgmental on everyone except myself. And I continue to love, despite being hurt. Loving to a fault.

The worst part? The creme de la creme? I was in love with her. For years. It explains everything. My hatred of all of her significant others. My unwavering loyalty to her. As I went back through this journal, she was in my thoughts in almost every entry. Her this, her that. Love love love. I loved her more fiercely than almost anyone I have ever loved before, save my husband.

I am not a perfect person. I am far from it. I have plenty of faults. Hardly anything good worth mentioning. I'm still super shy and have trouble making friends in new places. The friendships I made in college are, for the most part, there but not going anywhere. It's my fault. I moved and can't afford to visit. Sometimes I get super down in the dumps, so down even my husband can't dig me out. He just holds me as I cry, because I am so lonely. He loves me despite the fact that the shadow of this dead friendship will hang over me for a long, long time.

In a month, it will be three years.

In these past three years I have: gone to school, made friends, had some really awesome roommates, made a few (by few I mean ten thousand) social gaffes, laughed, cried, hurt people, been hurt, dealt with my brother attempting suicide, gotten engaged, graduated from college, scooped ice cream for the cranky masses, gotten married, moved across the state, adopted (and given away due to allergies) an adorable kitten, been a betta fish mom, become pen friends with a cool chica back in Kzoo, stood with pride as matron of honor in a friend's wedding, danced with joy after finding out about my friends' engagement, argued, gone on a honeymoon, held my niece (my friend's daughter) and felt that fierce love for her, dealt with my cousin's almost suicide, felt anger at my in-laws, dealt with finding out about an aneurysm on my splenic artery, and dealt with the ever-present financial situation Troy and I will always be in.

It's time now for this journal to come to an end. Time to close this book and open a new, fresh page. This isn't a sad goodbye. This is a farewell to old friendships. An apology, long in coming, to the girl I loved so very fiercely. And always will.

~Katie (Kittie, Kitten, Kittie Katie, KT, Necko-chan, mon petit chou) Hagerty

RIP Tears Of Blood

October 2003 - July 6, 2011