:: 2018 20 January :: 8.17 am

My favorite thing I've learned since finding my birth mother. My addiction to gummy bears started as my mums pregnancy cravings and apparently my adopted dad went to get her more in the wee hours of the morning the day I was born because apparently I was demanding them even then according to mum.


*Really this is just posted so I will remember this story*

:: 2016 11 December :: 10.44 am

Some exciting new things going on.

Published the prologue and first 5 chapters of my novel Tearmann on Wattpad.

Sold a couple of my stir sticks to some of my stoner buddies, and have requests for a couple more.

Working in learning Spencerian handwriting, French, Latin, Sign Language and Braille.

:: 2016 22 September :: 6.03 pm

If you want something broke you better give it to me
Got a way of disappointing that you wouldn’t believe
I can take a good intention and turn it on its head
I can make you pray to God and wish we’d never met

Nobody knows where this razor has been
If you want something broke you better give it to me

Because I can make you hurt
I can take you down so low I’ll make you want to cry
I can make you say goodbye
I can make you hurt
I can take you down so low and then you’ll know that maybe
You’d be better off when I’m not around

You’d be better off with somebody else
So put me back on the shelf

See I’m the kind of person who can barely be loved
I solve every equation with a push and a shove
Now that I love you I’m afraid it’s too late
If you get too close I’ll only push you away

I can make you hurt
I can take you down so low I’ll make you want to cry
I can make you say goodbye
I can make you hurt
I can take you down so low and then you’ll know that maybe
You’d be better off when I’m not around

I was better lost before I was found
I’ve got a history of misery so baby listen to me
Put me back on the shelf and give this pain to somebody else

Cause I can make you hurt
I can take you down so low I’ll make you want to cry
I can make you say goodbye
I can make you hurt
I can take you down so low and then you’ll know that maybe
You’d be better off when I’m not around

I can make you cry
I can make you say goodbye
I can make you hurt
I can take you down so low and then you’ll know that maybe
You’d be better off when I’m not around

:: 2016 13 July :: 7.51 am

Ever close your eyes
Ever stop and listen
Ever feel alive
And you've nothing missing
You don't need a reason
Let the day go on and on

Let the rain fall down
Everywhere around you
Give into it now
Let the day surround you
You don't need a reason
Let the rain go on and on

What a day
What a day to take to
What a way
What a way
To make it through
What a day
What a day to take to
A wild child

Only take the time
From the helter skelter
Every day you find
Everything's in kilter
You don't need a reason
Let the day go on and on

Every summer sun
Every winter evening
Every spring to come
Every autumn leaving
You don't need a reason
Let it all go on and on

What a day
What a day to take to
What a way
What a way
To make it through
What a day
What a day to take to
A wild child

What a day
what a day to take to
What a way
What a way
To make it through
What a day
What a day to take to
A wild child
What a day
What a day to take to
What a way
What a way
To make it through
What a day
What a day to take to
Da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da
What a way
What a way
To make it through
Da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da
What a way
What a way
To make it through
What a day
What a day to take to
A wild child
What a day
What a day to take to
A wild child

:: 2016 3 May :: 8.53 pm

1 pill, 2 pill, 3 pill, floor.
4 pill, 5 pill, 6 pill, dead.

:: 2016 25 April :: 11.51 pm

So according to my folks my birth moms name was Vicki Yarrish. Decided to search and see if I could find anything on the webs related to the name. No social media accounts found but multiple people searching sites that you have to shell out Money for the official information indicate that she may be living in the next state over married to a guy named Kevin Tyler and that my grandma goes by the name Loretta and is either also in the next state over or possibly even in the same city as me.

Now of course these could be the completely wrong people but I'm guessing it's probably not. Now if only I knew which of those search sites is the most reputable since they all charge money to get the official information.

I wouldn't approach these people but I just want to find out if they have any social media accounts to see what kind of people they are.

:: 2016 23 April :: 8.40 pm

Short Story Competitions. I'm going to possibly enter some. One had a premise generator that I have to base the story upon. Got two that could be interesting.

A schoolteacher is forced to confront a terrible truth, haunted by the spectre of their grandfather's mistakes.

Or

Three undergraduates from diverse backgrounds try acid at a concert to find themselves.

First entry is $20 second is $5 and the story has to be 500 words or less.

I think maybe I should just do both.

:: 2016 21 February :: 3.18 pm

I am reaching the end of my rope, I'm hanging a thousand feet off the edge, and there's little to no hope. If I don't find a hand reaching down soon, I'll be singing my last song to the stars and the moon.

:: 2016 21 February :: 10.39 am

Truth is.... I'm lonely.

:: 2016 14 February :: 10.34 am

I wish there really was an easy way to learn to love yourself. Everyone just says "Love yourself." As if it is that easy.

:: 2016 31 January :: 5.09 pm

Twitter account.... created.

Attempt to Network to Literary Agents, Publishers and Authors = semi successful. Including an unsolicited offer from a professional editor/publisher to take a look at my manuscript.

Now I just need to finish the damn thing which means getting past the 3 chapters already done. Also, debating trying to write a few short stories and submit them to some writing competitions. Except I don't think I'm actually that good of writer, which has given me a case of the yips in regards to my writing. No wonder I can't get past chapter 3. Alright, putting the fantasy novel on hold for a bit. Maybe I will write a novel about a call center rep murdering people; think I have enough incentive to write that.

:: 2016 24 January :: 8.10 pm

A good day with PB has me feeling a bit more like I can do this. I'm still at a loss for how to proceed from where I'm at but I'm no longer ready to throw in the towel.

:: 2016 21 January :: 10.31 am

I think I've given up on writing my novel. It was a pipe dream. I had so many people that wanted me to write it but I have no direction for it. No matter how much I aspire to be a published author I just don't think I have it in me. Nor do I think anyone outside of my friend and family set would waste their time on anything I write.

:: 2016 18 January :: 11.25 am

I find I still let the past have way to much control over the present and therefore it defines my future.

I envy my friends who even in the depth of depression still find ways to live their lives. They go out, meet new people make new friends. Whereas, I hide behind a computer screen, rarely talking to anyone either online or out in the world.

I let the words and actions of my closest childhood friends define me. I convinced myself their words were true and that no one could possibly actually like me. That it's just a matter of time before those I know stab me in the back. I convinced myself that as an unloveable entity it was best to withdraw into myself.

I want so desperately to let it all go and to live up to all the potential I had as a child, but I fear it is to late. That I have lost any skills I once had that were of value.

:: 2016 13 January :: 11.47 am

So far the start of the new year has been nothing but pain. Hoping to change that around a bit. Joined a "Book Club" group on GoodReads. Need to start working on writing more, started out gung ho and have fallen off the face of the planet when it comes to my writing. Now to just get me migraines under control and consistently go to work would be nice.