an update, finally.
So I live in lansing with 3 girls I don't know. I live really close to 3 of my fiends though. Still working at kohls, but am looking to get out, so I am applying to MSU for the fall. I am looking at going into thier speech pathology program. on the boy front, still in love with my BFF's brother. he is one of the people whose house is close enough for me to walk to, so incidentally I am there all the time cooking dinner for him (and his roomies who are also my friends) at least a couple times a week.

I saw you new years eve and I realized how horrible i have been about keeping in touch. I really live in this small little world most of the time and I forget the person I could be if I let myself. I am so wrapped up in this one person who DOES NOT seem to feel the same way that I just let myself fall apart a little. we walked to a party when we got cold and I saw the guy I hung out with at my friends wedding last summer, and we hit it off again. I got a kiss at midnight and I hung out with him again the next day. he is a nice distraction from the ongoing drama of brad.

I will try to update again soon.

a lovely visit to the city
Well, I think it may be a lost cause to try to come before august...although it all depends on what I plan to do this summer. I could be the camp health officer again and make moolah so that i can have money for when I come visit in...August...or sept...OR I could keep working at kohls where my hours are super flexible, but I make jack in regards to cash...it is a conundrum, but one I have to decide by the 1st of may...i will keep you posted.

working, working, working

going to Chicago for valentine's day...invited Brad...we'll see wat happens.

not fair
"But that's the part that's so unfair. I have nothing else on
my mind. How come I have to be the one sitting around
analyzing him in like microscopic detail, and he gets to be
the one with other things on his mind."

So tis is exacl how I feel, oh and also pathetic...i feel pathetic too.

Anne predictd nothing would happen til i am 30...nice round number and also completly possible considering what a chicken I am and that he seems to be completly indifferent. The problem is really that I have NO IDEA if he even thinks about this at all. The really unfortunate part is that I feel like it is all in my mind. When we lock eyes I don't kow what he is thinking, don't know if he sees me the way he always has or if things are finally shifting. And he does, he looks into my eyes, semi-often. We hang out without other people now too. But HE never calls ME, eiher i call im unasked or asked, never the other way around. And he never touches me, not really even accidentally. He keeps a distance that makes me hesitate. It is weird because I know him in this way tha not many people do, but that is the exact thing that makes me uneasy. I like how things are and I also hate this torture I am inflicting on myself.

It really sucks that i am carrying around this Rob baggage still. i mean it has been over a year since that shit wnet down, but I still second guess myself all the time. pangs of memory will hit me and I will just spiral. I tied so much up into him that really I cant think of Prague, Kalamazoo, writing and a muliue of other things withough cringing, sometimes physically. There are 2 things wrong with this, well ther are more than that, but there are 2 i will address here and now. The first being that some of the things he tainted(haha) were things that i reall enjoyed before, the second is that i am not completely sure I didnt make up tat whole relationship too. Was it even real or did i imbue it with meaking it had never earned? Was there ever anything really there or did I just want it to exist so much I deluded myself? i am really afraid all the time that no one will ever look at me like he did again, but what if I completely misread that look to begin with? He hurt me really badly, but I don't think he even realized it, so does that make him a dumbass, or does it make me one?

(that is a retorical question, you don't have to say him)

I know i shouldnt still be thinking about him even, but in that stupid drama i lost 2 people who were helping me shape a different me and then I sort of lost that person too. i feel like i gave so much of myself hat when i lost him i lost me. I have been searching for something to fill the void ever since and I dont want to need someone else in order to do that, I want to make myself whole again on my own so that if I find someone, I can love myself enough for them to love me.

the bottom line is that i can analyze all i wan but nothing has happened and nothing is likely to happen in the near future, so i have time.

wellwellwell
Ok, so I haven't been online much this week...or at all. it seems that whne ther is crap on my desk or it my computer chair is covered, i dont get on my computer....parts of me are still super lazy i guess.

last night i went to taste of thai w/ brad and we had 2 delish dishes, and even though i was afraid beforehand that it would be weird or awkward, it wasnt, it was fun. I shouldnt have been apprehensive i guess since bowling was good last sunday. everything could just change in a second and that is scary. i want it to change i think, but i also like what i have and dont want to lose it...waah i know, you have a great friend who you like spending time with alicia, big problems there. he is coming to the superbowl party we are having at rum runners tomarrow too...yay

now i am off to GR to help choreograph the dance for anne's wedding...i am not too great, but maybe i will help lower the difficulty.

a poem
Remember when you were transfixed by the burning orange cigarette
while you sat on the outdoor couch with the boy who meant everything
at the time, but turned out to be nothing in the end.
You didn’t even smoke you just wanted to watch it burn.
It was like so many other things in life that are only beautiful while disintegrating,
could only be appreciated as it died.
As he inhaled the toxins, your heart grew a little,
while you watched the bright orange flare up and burn down a little more.

PS
oh and I am slightly obsessed with the video from SNL by the lonely island "Jiizz in my Pants". it is one of those popular videos that has gone compltely viral now, but it remids me of you a little cuz we used to use the word jizz like it was going out of style, and now it is more en vogue than ever before. jizzjizzjizz

this week
this was a pretty good week, i worked everyday, not as muc as i need to but enough to get by for now. last niht i made the most delish dinner of stuffed mushrooms, smashed potatoes, and flank steak pinwheels. brad came over for friday night dinner too and then we thee watched forbidden kingdom...not a great movie, but entertaining.

i watched tin man this week too, I forgot how good it was. it is a miniseries reimagination of the wizard of oz that the scifi channel did last year, and they replayed it on the slueth channel this week.

i feel very restless today, i am gonna go work out to see if that will help. i am trying really hard not to call brad because i know that i shouldn't. i played 3 games of settlers, read a whole book, and am doing laundry to keep from doning it. I just think it is best if i dont get to dependent on him to keep me occupied. or get too cling or needy or annoying. also we are going to my kohls holiday party tomarrow, so 2 out of 3 days this weekend aren't bad. maybe i will paint...

MLK Day
Today was good day. not as good as a certain MLK day, but good nonetheless. i woke up, went to work, did a great job, came home, worked out WHILE watching One Tree Hill ( i know, GASP i have been working out lately) then (after showering) i painted a little. brad picked me up around 5 and we wandered around in the mall and kohl's and he just left. good day. now i think mark lindsay and I are gonna play board games (shocker!) and then i might paint some more.

The best mlk day ever was when we lived 8302 amd we watched that horrible chick flick nd then when everyone retreated to their rooms (probably to call their boyfriends) ALICIA started bustin' a move to the end credits. when MICHE::E saw how ridiculous she was, a video was made, and we all realized we didn't have class the next day (actual MLK Day) so we all imbibed alchol and dressed up and danced into the wee hours.

I believe that is one of the best memories I have of that whole year.
Some others:
Using the sticky hands on...everything...especially empty milk jugs at late hours
Brian's bunny getting chased by Layla
Watching gilmore Girls w/ Steve and Kate all night then goign to video hits at 6am to get another season
the night we saw Sin City (sorry I know that might now be a fave of yours but lookin back...hilarious!)

I love that it looks like we jizzed all over the apartment because of the sticky hands, and that the guys across the hall would just come hang out, and because of them we didn't lock the door, which led to drunk guy getting tasered in Kate's room. I love the airsoft pellets everywhere, even the washing machine, and our 4 kinds of milk. Even though the majority of the days were spent thinking it sucked in one way or another, some great stuff definetly happened.

i love you miche;;e and he best thing that happened in that apt. was my friendship with you i think...and the muff diving.