In this world, one never knows what to expect. So don't. Don't expect anything from this awful place. Take what comes to you, make it beautiful. We might have a plan: follow the rules, take the clean, straight path. But forget the plan! The plan means nothing. Must we imagine what could go wrong? Does a plan often change? It's better to chase a dream. The world fears this word, this wretched, ugly word, the concept that leads to heartbreak. Humans are blind, selfish creatures and will continue to be until the end; until the day we finish off our own kind. We're leaders and followers, all trying to build our monument so when we're soil in the earth we'll be acknowledged by a slate, a marble slab labeled with a name and date, a verse that sums up our existence; our last days; moments in a time that will effortlessly be forgotten by the future in which we will create, yet inevitably assist in destroying. Our fate was decided long ago by our cave-dwelling ancestors the most intelligent of our species claim we've derived. Life on this earth has always been self-centered: survival of the fittest--kill or be killed--a trait carried on since the beginning of time, when our first primal relatives evolved out of the strongest accidental mutation of green muck. Our thoughts are not our own, but an illusion of individuality taught to us by a parent, a grandparent, a great-grandparent. A traditional brainwash questioned by no one. Everyone in the world is a hypocrite. People have continued to grow more and more greedy, gloating over themselves and their self-proclaimed royalty, a hunger satisfied only by money and power. In our blindness, we praise worthless pretension, a vagrant who worships his fool's gold. We've been spreading false hope on ourselves, our youth, our future: follow the plan, you will all die happy. You will all create a legacy, make history. But the question is not Is history real... is it Important? We read about important men, recite dates, facts, we become parrots. Pets who imitate their masters in order to carry a piece of them to form their own identity. A forgery. But a name in a book won't make us smarter. Memorizing our past won't make our future. And Greatness is not measured by success. We want the credit we deserve, so we build ourselves up, make others fear us. All because we were taught to follow. Not to create, but Recreate. Unoriginality has become our world's biggest solidarity, and its been used to kill. They've showed us to hate what is not like us. They've showed us to blame others, to fight without cause. And no one has ever questioned the morals of a soldier--they just do what they're told. They've reasoned that its right to kill the killer. "An eye for an eye." Its whats written in the books; a set plan for the next generations. It'll never change. We've accepted the biggest fallacy. But what if we all broke free the plan? What if we were able to stall the impending doom of our human race a few million years? Would the world change? We have yet to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and when we do will we be ready? Or will we still be as selfish as we were created?
What started off as a story about my shortcomings ended up about ideals the world may never live up to. How this happened I'm not quite sure myself, but after reading through it I saw the irony. I may never live up to my parents' ideals, but I'm not about to follow anyone's plan. I'm not holding myself responsible for anyone else's actions, and I'm not blaming anyone for my own mistakes. Instead of being punished the way I am, I should be congratulated for learning from the mistakes I've made. Wars have been going on since Bible times. There were wars before the earth was created, and there will always be wars. Nation against nation, family member against family member, cat against dog. There will always be a struggle for power. It's the same mistakes made over and over. Even a rat learns to avoid traps. Maybe humans aren't so superior after all.

ultra violence
"Being under King Louis XIV's rule isn't bad at all. First of all, he threw this huge party last week. They gave out free jewelry. It was pretty rad. He's always doing stuff to help us French people and make things better around here."

I'd say my world history essay is going pretty well.

we're not losers all of the time
i want my mom back.

i want my friends back.

i want my mia.

my mia.

mine.

oh!oh!
hm, last night i met:
-jim heath
-patricia day
-naomi

i am happy.

and i think nick like broke my chest.

im36cent: well today was my first day of not quartet
FlydLiceNSupplys: that doesnt even make sense
im36cent: yeah so
im36cent: yeah if you think my love tap like nearly killed you then how much better can 4 sissies be

i have never skanked so much in my entire life.

i stood about a foot away from kim nekroman and kamilla vanilla. i got a picture too.

there were also several occasions i almost died of excitement.

i know what you need
i havent posted in here in a looong time. im sorry.
i just got back from chicago. it was very fun. the weather was beautiful. actually, we just drove around the whole time cuz we rented a car. i like the last time we went better cuz we stayed right down town and walked or took the subway. and we didnt have to pay 39 bucs a night for parking.
oh yeah, and by being there, i missed michal graves being in ocala. -_-; not cool at all. especially when all my friends are like "man wasnt that show amazing??!" and im like "i wasnt even there" and theyre like "oh.... where were you?" becuase they didnt even realize i was gone. what great "friends".

youre not like the other people here at the trailor park...
why is everyone so homophobic?

went to annabel lee's reunion show last night. it was spooktacular. i loved it. i missed phillips head death driver and augusta, gone though. im on restricions, so my dad had to come and stay with me. but he didnt bother me. he said he got hit in the face with a honey bun hahaha. it was really fun, i sang to some of the songs i know. and holy shyt joe danced around on stage with only a purple fishnet and man-thongs on! i took some pics. tried to get pictures of everyone, but the batteries ran out when i got to ashley and calder. i sort of got carty, but i was too far away from him. i probably shouldve taken them with the flash off, except if i shut off the flash, its really motion sensitive. but yeah i didnt get any of joe cuz the batteries run out somwhere within the first song(you can tell because ashley was still wearing a shirt).

p.s. death is not the end - but only a transition.

tim on bass, carty on guitar




ashley on vokills


tim & part of emjay's face


emjay and joe "the mofo" in his green shirt and purple fishnets

fuck the world.
get me the hell out of here.

p.s. run as fast as you fucking can and dont stop not even when we get there.



There isn't such one friend that you could find here
Standing next to me
He's only my enemy
I'll crush him with everything I own
Say what you want to say
Hang for your hollow ways
Moving your mouth to pull out all your miracles aimed for me

I've managed to kill yet another friendship.

p.s. you always end up killing the one you love.

graduation today. pics later, when i get them uploaded.
i saw Ashley. he went for Emjay. so did i. but it was wonderful seeing him and finally talking to him after such a long time. i took a bunch of pics of Emjay getting his diploma, and none of brett because some dumb lady got in front of the camera. im not sure if i'll get the pics though, because i took them on Ryan's camera.
i feel bad that i couldnt find Ashley nor Emjay afterwards. Brett is stupid.
today, laurie asked my dad if we were going to rent a movie and get pizza tonight. he asked if thats what our memories of him will be: watching movies and eating pizza on saturday nights. my memories will be of him never letting me go anywhere. like today, when i wanted to go to Emmy's party.

p.s. We are oft to blame in this. 'Tis too much proved that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar o'er the devil himself.

School year 2006-2007, second semester: East Visayan Academy
Graduating class of 2007

p.s. Oh, this is too much

When I die, I hope I come back as a cat.

p.s. Why is it you feel like a dope if you laugh alone, but that's usually how you end up crying?

47 weeks and only a few more to go
can't wait.

p.s. for you only i havent changed

listen sucker!
Haus cut my hair. and i have to say, i love it! the first time she cut my hair, it was pretty bad. but i guess she's got the hang of it now. i love how it is so imperfect. ive got this group of long hair amidst the short hair, and it is so cute i had to give her a kiss on the cheek. i bleach and dye my hair quite often now. this morning, i was re-bleaching it, and i spilled some formula, and now theres stupid yellow dots all over the black pants Jesse gave me. Grr...
Yesterday was a funny day. Not like funny "haha" but funny as in odd. Start around 220. i was at the library. i called girl ashley cuz i had to pick something up at her house. so i started walking to her house, but i forgot what street she lives on. >.< i walked down a street that looked right at first. but after a little while i realized it wasnt right at all. i kept walking until somehow i ended up at the back of beals outlet. so i walked to the front, and i decided "hey since im here i might as well visit matt at hollywood video". i kept walking down the sidewalk to the shopping center where hollywood video is. as i got there, a red bmw stops and who gets out? Tom! he asked if he could give me a ride and i said yeah. so he drove me all the way to ashley's house. after i was finished at her house, i still wanted to go see matt. so i ended up walking all the way back to hollywood video. then i went to pet safari. then dunkin donuts. then back to the library to get picked up. drove all around town. got home around 9. did a ton of homework. that's pretty much it.

our brains in our heads
i ran away last night. have you ever been with someone and felt you could do anything in the whole world, just because you were with that person? i feel like that every time i'm with ashley.
he came over yesterday. i tried to teach him violin, and he did quite well. then my dad came home and wouldnt let him borrow my violin. so we went outside. then i decided i wanted to go somewhere. so we did. we ran. and ran. and ran. all the way to live oaks. we sat on the bridge for a while and talked. and it was wonderful. really wonderful. by that time it was 1030 at night. a car came and we hid. it passed, then came back, then again and again. once it left, we jumped the fence and hid in someone's shrubbery at the col de sac. car headlights came around. then i decided it was time to head home. we walked and talked a little. when i could see my house, i saw people running back and forth and shouting and stuff. then my dad's car left the driveway. mario's mom was there. skip all the stuff i want to forget and everything i had put ashley through. im sorry about what happened, but im not sorry that it happened.

hey children. i was supposed to have a recital tomorrow, but the director of the school of music got in some sort of argument or misunderstanding with my teacher, and wanted to give her a hard time, so she cut me out of the program. it meant a lot to me, too, because my teacher, who taught me everything i know about violin, is moving to kentucky in june.

hello friends. today i went to the flea market. i got a 700 dollar record player for 20 bucs and it works really well. i have 13 records. i listened to my Against Me! record all day today. its really good. i never listened to it before today(because i never had a record player). i also have julian lennon. im ordering ahot water music/alkaline trio, elvis costello, dead kennedys, and probably another against me! record as soon as i get some money. i also got a really cool manual typewriter for 20 bucs. that also works really well as well lol. i wrote a letter to my penpal, and im writing a story. i have a money-spending problem. as soon as i get money i buy something dumb. or i say im gonna save it, but then i just go and spend it like the next day. i ordered 3 shirts on thursday using the money i made that day. that costed 48 bucs. wise, eh? and i still need to order 2 more shirts, i just dont like spending a whole lot of money at the same time.
ive been listening to ringleader of the tormenters all this and last week. i like it a lot.

fun fun fun

?.?
im driving down to venice tonight for st. patrick's days(tomorrow) with my dad so we can eat at James Place. we're taking his Maserati and putting the top down :). it only has a cassette player, so i spent today gathering my favorite cassettes and copying some cds onto tapes. its gonna be a good trip. sjkfl;
today was dumb. my mom had a doctors appointment, and i went with her for some dumb reason. then she had to go to her friend's house. then brett called and said he needed the papers to be notarised and stuff. so we drove across town, met him and his friends, picked up the papers from my dad, and drove across town again to get them signed.
im glad we're going to sarasota. im hungry for the columbia restaraunt, and that's where we're meeting "uncle roger"(my dad's financial consultant) tomorrow for lunch.
gotta finish this tape and pack and stuff. BYE!